Jacquelyn's Space

So I’m going to write this here because I may as well. It’s not like it will make a difference if I speak it on Facebook or to the person who SHOULD hear it.

I’m going to be pissed if my parents get the coronavirus because assholes can’t sit still and stay home. My parents were safe living in Manistee county, up north in Michigan but people don’t want to listen to the governor and stay put. This includes my dumb ass brother.

One more and I’ll probably be done for the day. These are just my disjointed thoughts anyway. I really need to see my doctor about some ADD medicine though it has been a stressful 12 month (year+ really) and I know the stress and constant work plays into my frenetic-ness. *It’s not frantic, I’m too tired and low energy to ever be frantic. Until I get to writing in this stream of consciousness manner.

What the fuck was I going to write?

I worry that I may be a coronavirus carrier. I know, probably a lot of people think this. I’ve heard some people think they’ve had it too, prior to it becoming a pandemic. I can’t wait until antibody testing is developed. If I am a carrier I don’t want to give it to anyone. I’ve been afraid to have sex with my husband for that reason. It’s silly, I know, because he would get it just because we are in the same house.

There was something else I was going to write but I don’t remember and now I am getting tired. I need a nap already.

So yeah, I’m up. I got distracted. I got some new earbuds today so I can listen to my audio books in bed. I prefer headphones but I need something less bulky for bed. I started messing around with my earbuds and on the computer, listening to music, updating my instagram and this blog. I am about to go full media blitz with my craziness. Naw, not really but it’s fun to think so. Damn, I’m old. I can’t keep up with all this social media. Why do I even try? IDK, I guess it’s fun in a way…keeps me young in a way. Hopefully it keeps my brain nimble.

I need some time by myself, alone. Of course my husband is home. I love him. I want to spend time with him but I really need some alone time. I wish he would go out and mow the lawn at least, then I’d have the house to myself to belt out a few cheesy tunes and hit all the wrong notes I don’t want to. I was jamming out to Echosmith for a minute til my husband came back in the house, bitching about his tractor. Dead battery or something. UGH. I don’t want to care but I have to. He probably trying to push that damn tractor up to the house so he can work on it. I worry about him doing too much, putting too much strain on his heart. His doctor warned him about strenuous activity, like shoveling snow (told him not to) and I can only guess that pushing a tractor would be on par with that. I also worry about him getting the virus, COVID-19. That is the only reason, the real reason I wish we could quarantine. But we can’t, and he wouldn’t regardless.

But yeah, still need some time to myself. I got some things in the works and I’ve been stressing about it. Haven’t really had alone time for a long while, probably since before my mom had her stroke. I’ve been working too much.

And then there is this damn coronavirus. Just when I’m about to get my life moving, making some changes for the better, I have to shelter in place (that’s what they are calling it, no matter that we can still go out for necessities, and everybody’s definition of necessity is different). Gyms are closed so I can’t go and workout. My treadmill here sucks. Not that I’m trying to use it anyway. Ha. I’m not bored, just restless because I have too much to do at home and no idea where to start, except with dishes, and I don’t really want to do those so…

here I am in front of the computer writing this blog post that is not organized, a stream of consciousness post, if you will.

I probably will do the dishes and that is probably as far as I will get though I do have a sort-of desire to get the clothes that are lying around out away. And then there is plenty of mail and paperwork to sort and toss, though I have no desire to go through all that. I wish I could take a vacation now, really I could (I have time banked) and I need to, but for the fact that I feel compelled to pick up overtime when it is there. Absolutely compelled!! I wish I felt compelled to get started on cleaning but I don’t want to because I know I will run out of steam, I won’t get very far, and this is one of my few days off and I want to relax…and I want to play with all the cool stuff I have but I can’t because the house is a mess and I can’t peacefully play or guiltlessly play without the messiness pressing down upon me, or without thinking about bills…

But I am going to get it together. Maybe not today. Certainly not today…but it is going to come together eventually. What I want to say is “it always does” but I think, though I am not certain–I am skeptical, that is a lie. I am skeptical of it either way, whether it is the truth or a lie. It is a quandary. I intend to make it the truth but it is going to take time and energy both of which are in short supply in my life.

So up and not at ’em.

I gotta gets some tea and a muffin (or maybe some Doritos and lemon to treat my dry cough) and watch the stinkin news…

and take a damn shower at some point…

and have sex with my husband because it’s been a while.

I stink. I am smelling funky. Perhaps I should start the day off with a shower. Actually, I’ve been up for a few hours just fucking around, listening to music. I really didn’t want to get up early today–I think I was up close to 9–but something made me get out of bed. Oh yeah, I wanted some tea, which I have yet to make and it is almost 4 hours later. Yikes!

So, we are quarantined. I was made to quarantine. I love staying home. I have so many things in my house that I can do, and I am not talking about cleaning and organizing. I have all the things to keep me occupied but sadly, I cannot quarantine. It seems my jobs are essential–for now. It is a blessing and a curse. I am still making money, which is good. And I don’t have to fuck with trying to get unemployment. Awesome! But I would really like to stay home. I want to play with all my stuff. I have tarot cards and coloring books galore. I have a whole library to read. I have musical instruments. I have games I want to play, both old school and board. I have software I can play with–language software, writing (character development) software. I have paint by numbers painting to paint. I have pendulums and rune stones…I have all kinds of things!! But I have been working, working, working, and as much overtime as I can snatch away from my co-workers, haha. Coronavirus be damned!! I will endanger my life for a few measly dollars. All to pay for the shit I cannot play with. HA!

Yes, I am an idiot. Or, that is my shame. I am a spendthrift and an idiot…as I sit here denying it in my funk.

I stink.

I was parked in front of a hospital about to go in a pick up a patient. These days, the front of the hospital is pretty dead so I can park really close to the entrance. I am getting my van ready and I notice a man–maybe he called out. He looked relieved to see me and made a little wave. I just stared at him, trying to figure out if he was talking to me and why. It was weird for anybody to look at me with relief. He approached and asked if I had a mask. I was taken aback. Masks are in short supply these days and he obviously had mistaken me for EMS (I am a medical transporter, wheelchair transport). I was about to tell him no, but I ended up telling him, “Let me see” and then, “well, I only have a surgical mask.” I was about to tell him he couldn’t have it because it was my only one and I needed it but he breathlessly told me that he was a doctor and that his friend had tested positive for coronavirus (COVID-19) and that he had been exposed. He was trying to go get tested himself. I had sort of noticed the man was in dark scrubs and had a badge. I handed over my mask and he gratefully took it though he was trying to keep his distance from me. He thanked me as I turned to ready my van and hide my face because I didn’t want him to see if it showed any annoyance and confusion because now what was I supposed to do? I just wished him luck. He walked back the way he came. I got over my annoyance quickly, after I had a minute to process his relief in seeing me and after thinking that the only reason he wanted the mask was to protect other people from him if he indeed had the virus.

Still, what was I to do? I didn’t have another surgical mask for the day. Hopefully I wasn’t carrying COVID-19.

It makes me emotional to think about it now. It is sad that we have all been put in this position. Sad and angry.

Yay! I voted! The first step in getting dump out of office. Let’s hope all goes well in November and we get a new president. We need that POS out of office. He should have never been president.

I am not too excited about the Democratic candidates–too old–but I’ll take any (or either) of those over dump any day.

I voted Bernie in the last primary, and in this one too. I don’t think he has a chance in hell of winning the nomination but I like his ideas. I like Biden but he is too middle of the road for me. I really want our nation to be more progressive. I really liked Andrew Yang or Elizabeth Warren but they didn’t do well in earlier primaries. I don’t know. Even if Bernie gets the nomination and wins the presidency, I don’t think he will have a chance in hell of implementing many of his ideas. Our nation is just not ready to move forward. Too many people think progressiveness is bad and they fear socialism, not realizing that we utilize many forms of socialism already. E pluribus unum!