It’s My Birthday

Another year over, another year beginning. Wow. I am 54 years old. Hard to believe all that time has passed by. I have nothing earth-shattering to share, nothing enlightening to write about. Just wanted to mark the day. Why is it when I am driving along all day, taking my participants to their appointments, I can think so many great things to write about but now I got nothing. Maybe I feel put on the spot now which is weird. I kind of feel a push to make resolutions but I hate to do that because I don’t often keep them, or if I do, I move on them at a snails pace. It’s so weird, how can I be both happy with my life and dissatisfied? I’d be restless if I had the energy to be so.

I have so much to be thankful for and I have written about these things/people: my husband, my family, my relationship with my stepson and daughter-in-law, being a grandmother, my baby doll, my kitty, my friends, my home, my job. I am thankful for all of that. I suppose I am dissatisfied with myself; my health, my lack of energy and motivation. I have been working on it but it goes so slow…and it it so difficult. Working on your health and body is not easy, nor very fun. Not usually anyway. I have found some joy in physical therapy. I started physical therapy to make my legs stronger in order to help my knees and my whole physicality. I am getting stronger. I am even starting to feel a smidge better, an slight bit more energized. Another thing to be thankful. When I really drill down into my feelings of dissatisfaction it seems to be about the pace of improvement and the fact that it is so easy for me to lose sight of my goals, to lose focus. There is always so much going on, so much that seems to demand my attention and so little time and energy for me to do the things I need and want to do. These are the things I think about on my birthday. It’s never a joyful celebration for me, ha ha. Maybe next year.

***AI cracks me up. I like to generate images for my posts because it’s interesting but they kept giving my old ladies!!!

Published in: on December 7, 2025 at 1:42 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Health Issues

Thankfully I am off work for about a week. I took some extra days around the Labor Day holiday, thinking my husband and I would be up in the Straits of Mackinac area for the week. We are going, just not for as long as I anticipated. My husband has his EMT class graduation Thursday night so we can’t leave for Sault Ste Marie until Friday morning. I’m kinda bent out of shape over it but oh well, it gives me time to slowly pack, try to get this house in order (ha ha), and deal with the fact that someone charged $150 on my debit card at Target.com.

It’s always something, I tell ya!!

I am anxious about the packing as always. I’ve been trying to get my house in order too, but I have been moving at a slug’s pace, much to my husband’s dismay. I am driving him crazy for which I am heartily sorry, but I find it damn near impossible to push myself. I am really going through some things lately and I am not sure why it’s been so difficult. Maybe it’s because I am menopausal? Maybe my physical issues? My mental health issues? Why do I even care what is causing it because I know it’s a combination of all. I just keep hoping I would come upon a magic solution that will make me jump up and get motivated. The magic solution has not been forthcoming. It is beyond frustrating!! Can’t I just hire someone to clean and organize my house? My husband hates that idea. He always says, “I can clean. I can do it.” No, he cannot do all the things. It’s not fair, he doesn’t have the time, the energy, and his cleaning doesn’t meet my standards. Yes! I am that bitch. HA. I’m going to have to hire someone in the fall. That’s all there is too it. It’s gotta happen, it’s gonna happen. Lord knows I need help.

I’m watching the news coverage of the latest mass shooting. It’s heartbreaking but I have become desensitized to it. It’s a damn shame. These shootings will keep happening because people don’t want to give up their guns, people don’t want to prioritize nor pay for mental health, people don’t want to do anything beyond thoughts and prayers because it’s easier that way until someone they love or they themselves get shot. I wonder what the statistics are for the average individual’s chance of getting shot in a mass shooting now. (1 in 156 chance in 2023)

I just have to focus on myself until I get my shit in order or get gunned down, whichever happens first.

This world sucks.

I went to the cardiologist yesterday. My first visit. I had an echocardiogram in the spring, ordered by my pulmonologist. It came back bad and scary. I have “mild” pulmonary hypertension and an aortic aneurysm. The old pulmonologist read me the riot act: “You gotta use your CPAP machine. You gotta lose weight. Now I have to do a workup for pulmonary hypertension to see what is causing it….you may need a stent!” I got a history lesson that I didn’t need, about how women are not as active as they used to be back in the day. Dude! I know I’m a fat slug but I’m sitting here confused, scared, and angry wondering what PH is, what to do about the aneurysm, and the treatment to both is in addition to losing weight! He ordered a blood panel workup, then retired. Bloodwork showed an autoimmune disease but not anything specific. I know I have chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia, but I didn’t realize that could mess with my lungs. I went back to the lung doc and was seen by the new guy who knew nothing about me or what the retired doc was thinking. What he did say dashed any hope I had of losing weight on my own: “You’ll never lose weight on your own. I am writing you a prescription for Zepbound…come back in a month” and, you need to see a cardiologist, not me. Gee, thanks.

My insurance unfortunately does not cover weight loss medication, don’t ask me why. It doesn’t make sense to me.

It took me months to get into see the cardiologist. He was not concerned. He said there was nothing to worry about because people with sleep apnea may show higher blood pressures in their lungs. The aneurysm–they don’t do anything for it until it gets above 5cm–we just have to keep an eye on it. The cardiologist wants to put me on Zepbound. Ugh. That would be nice, wouldn’t it? Do I wanna be on that medication? If I could afford it and if it would really help me quit my ADDICTION to food, yeah sure. I’ll give it a try. The cardiologist says I am the perfect candidate for it. So, he has this person in his office that has had luck getting insurance to pay for the prescription. It’s a coding issue. So, they are going to try. The best part is they gave me a 1-month sample for the medication. That was more than the lung doctor did! I’ll try it and see what happens. The coding person says I may be eligible for another month free from the manufacture if my insurance doesn’t want to cover the medication. After that, if not covered, AND, if it works, I will look into the cost of purchasing a vial of the med and drawing up my own shots. Other than that, I am on my own… which I haven’t given up the idea that I CAN lose weight if I really try, if I really were to put my mind to it. I haven’t ever really TRIED. The times I lost weight, it came naturally. I still hope I can do that, even though I am menopausal. I just need to find a way to manage my food addiction, replace my cravings for carbs with cravings for veggies.

At this point, after my visit with the cardiologist, I am hopeful that I may be able to manage this pulmonary hypertension. Perhaps if I lose weight, all will be well. I’m trying to stay out of the hospital….

Unfortunately, I will probably have to go into the hospital at some point because I need to have both my knees replaced. The bones are grinding together in there. Again, I have to lose weight before that can happen because my BMI is way too high for surgery right now. It’s horrendous. I had steroid shots in both knees. It kinda helped but not that much. UGH.

I had my first MRI ever. It sucked. I hated that little coffin-like machine. I had the MRI on my spine for pain management. My back was fine until recent years and recent weight gain of 20 to 30 pounds. I suck, I know. I am destroying my body with eating. Why?? I don’t know. I have the back issues, narrowing and bulging whatever. It doesn’t bother me too much until I want to move or move and carry stuff. I’ve been trying not to move. LMFAO. I got a steroid shot in the spine too. Fun stuff. I’ll be putting that to the test this weekend by trying to walk the Mackinac Bridge. We’ll see how the back holds up. I know the knees will be hurting.

Aging ain’t for sissies…and it ain’t for fat people for sure. I guess, like many, I was under the mistaken impression I was invincible, but all my bad habits are catching up with me…well, not all but some. Gotta get me myself under control and on the right path.

I’ll be thinking about all this as I am painfully crossing the Mackinac Bridge, leaning on my walker (Ha!). And HEY! If my back holds out, feels good, and my breathing isn’t too laborious, I may attempt a double-cross. I know, BIG TALK for this old, decrepit fatty, but you gotta have goals!

Published in: on August 27, 2025 at 5:05 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Supporting Loved Ones: The Hardships and Hopes of Caregiving

Overwhelmed, Again, Always

We are all overwhelmed. Life gets ever more stressful and complicated. How do people make it through?

I don’t even know where I’m at in my post entitled “Shade” because much has gone down that it is hard to write about it succinctly. Not to mention that much of it has roots in the past. I find myself circling the same topics and events. I am trying to get all this out so I can work out how I want to present all this mess in my memoir, as well as draw lessons from the events. It is important for me to write about my journey as a stepmother so perhaps it will help someone else. It also helps me gain perspective on things. This week I have been going through old documents and journals, as well as some of the research I did on stepfamilies prior to 2012.

Thankfully things have calmed down a bit for now. I hope they stay calm and that my stepson and my daughter-in-law can heal from all this. I think my daughter-in-law is far on her way to being healed from the hurt her other mother-in-law caused, which is good. She has her hands full with more pressing issues anyway. I am so proud of her, that she has held it together through the death of her mother, and that she is pushing through her grief to get things done. I feel so bad for her though, that she has to go through all of this. It is so difficult. I wish she could get a few weeks to rest and pamper herself.

I know I need a few weeks just to get my life in order. It is crazy how long it takes to recover from the shit life throws at you. I am still dealing with the trauma of my husband’s health issues and my heartbreak over my nephews.

My oldest nephew from my family is going through a mental health crisis. I received a call from a state trooper. He wanted to reach out to family because my nephew Ken had called 911 and stated that people were after him, shooting him with some sort of radar or radiological weapon that is making him have dementia. The officer tried to convince Ken to go to the hospital but he wouldn’t, at least not that day. Ken lives with my dad up in Manistee county. Of course, right away I am freaked out because it sounds like schizophrenia to me. The paranoia, the weird ideas… drugs can cause this too and Ken did admit to doing shrooms. I also know he smokes marijuana. Yet, Ken has exhibited signs of schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. He really needs help. The officer recommended that family try to petition Ken to a psych facility. UGH! I can’t do it, I don’t even live up near him.

I called my dad. We formulated a plan. Complicating matters was the issue of guns. My nephew has a gun that he bought as soon as he started working. My dad has guns for hunting. He did not have a gun safe or adequate locked storage, nothing that Ken couldn’t break into. My dad did tell me that Ken had been acting weird lately, really paranoid. So I told my dad, “You need to get the guns locked up. Get Ken’s gun away from him and don’t let him have it right now.” I could see Ken’s paranoia escalating into something terrible. I was afraid for my dad. Not that schizophrenics are violent–typically they are not–but who knows what a paranoic (psychotic) mind will push a person to do? It was a scary situation.

Thankfully, daddy got Ken’s gun. Ken wanted it back right away. He claimed that people broke into my dad’s house and shot him with that radar gun. My dad told him, no, that didn’t happen and that he would protect Ken–so heartbreaking! I hate that my dad has to deal with this. Then my dad went and bought a gun safe a couple of days later. Thankfully, as dad was riding through town, he saw that Ken was at the Wellness Center. Eventually, dad got a call about Ken. Was the CIA after Ken? NO. Ken agreed to get help from a facility. He called it rehab to get him off drugs. OK, okay. Fine. He agreed to go. So he went to a facility in Saginaw. My dad took him. He was there a little over a week. The only thing Ken told my dad was the facility said Ken had psychosis. Yeah, but psychosis caused by…what, exactly? Drug use, mental illness, a combination? T

Ken was sent home with medication and after-care referrals for counseling and a psychiatrist. Dad says Ken isn’t really any better. He is still paranoid. I only hope the meds will help long term, as well as counseling. They have to have done a full psych exam in the facility…you’d think. I wish I could have access to those records. We, his family, kinda need to know so we know how best to help him. It is going to be rough road for sure. My heart is broken but I am trying to hold it together. I can’t help anybody if I am broken.

I have a friend I have been helping out. She has nobody. I got to know her when I worked at Swartz Ambulance. She was one of my transports. She also used to be with Pace program. She specifically requested me as her driver, lol, so we got close through the years.

Last year, my friend moved to Tennessee to try to live with her nephew. It did not work out. Unfortunately, she left Pace to do so, and she put all her money into the move. She moved back to Michigan about 6 weeks later– back into the facility that she was at before moving to Tennessee. It’s an expensive way to live, but she can’t really live on her own.

My husband and I went down to Tennesse to bring her stuff back out of storage…she has a storage unit up here in Michigan too, that is full to the brim. She is unsure if she will ever be able to live on her own again. It’s sad, because she is not that much older than me. I look on her as the older sister I never had.

For whatever reason, Pace would not take her back into the program…not at first, anyway. She lost her Medicaid, I think due to the move. She was not able to pay for her medications. The facility she is in wants her to have a guardian. UGH. Guardians for adults are, for the most part, useless. Plus, who is going to pay for this guardian? I do see the need for her to have someone because somehow, she switched her Medicare health plan from a free plan to one with a premium. She got influenced by all the TV commercials and ads on social media. I just found that out yesterday. Unfortunately, due to the premium she has to pay, she can no longer pay for her living arrangements. She can no longer pay on her storage unit either. She does not want to lose all her stuff. I was going to help get into a new storage unit, something cheaper, but that is a lot to handle, the move and all. My friend also asked me to be her guardian or representative. I want to help but I don’t feel I am up to that right now. It is much too much for me to handle. I did apply for Medicaid for her last night. As part of applying for help from the state, she gave her permission for the state to refer to an aging agency in our county. We also got onto her Social Security account. That was a whole process.

I am hoping with a few phone calls we can get some things straightened out. It is just, UGH!!! It is so hard to get older adults, or the disabled, help. Hell, it is so hard to get the mentally ill help as well. I am fed up. I am overwhelmed with it. We need to do better in this country.

I should have been a social worker! There’s still time, right?

Published in: on June 14, 2024 at 1:06 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Daughter

I just wanted to take a moment to say what an amazing woman my daughter-in-law is. Truly. My stepson is fortunate to have her, and I feel very fortunate to have been able to forge a relationship with her despite her other mother-in-law trying to prevent it.

My daughter-in-law has been through so much and yet she soldiers on. She is STRONG!! and only getting stronger. Life has thrown some real shit her way lately, but she is dealing with it, despite going through grieving the death of her mother. She has to deal with dividing her mother’s estate, which is added onto her other responsibilities of being a mother to 4 kids (3 of whom are special needs of varying degrees), a wife, and an EMT. This leaves her little time to herself, and very little time to grieve the death of her mom. I don’t even know what to say to my daughter-in-law because I know this is beyond difficult for her. Nothing I say can take away her difficulties or take away her pain. I just try to be supportive with what little energy I have. I wish I could do more.

In addition to all this, some rotten asshole keeps calling CPS on my daughter-in-law. We think it is my stepson’s mother. It is hard for me to fathom that she would stoop that low but there is no one else I can think of that would be that rotten to my stepson’s family. My daughter-in-law is not perfect, by no means, but she is an excellent mother. She makes mistakes, as we all do, but I know she loves her kids, she fights for them, she has gone through hell trying to do what is best for her kids. All on top of trying to deal with her own issues, and without taking it out on all those around her. I cannot state it enough how much of a great mom she is: she makes homemade meals, cleans, plays with the kids, tries to make sure they are doing alright in school, and gets them involved in healthy activities. 4 KIDS! It is a lot.

CPS has been called in the past, and they did have an open case a few months ago. CPS was a big help to the family, but overall found nothing that my daughter-in-law was doing wrong. It was mainly issues with getting the family mental health help that they needed, especially in regard to my autistic grandson. It was basically an issue of Community Mental Health dragging their feet and not wanting to take my grandson’s needs seriously. The case was closed.

But now someone, within the past month, has called CPS twice and made allegations. The first time, no case was opened. Not sure what these new allegations are, but I am assuming they are bullshit. It is just someone wanting to cause trouble for my daughter-in-law because they can’t control her, and/or because they are jealous. It may even be a stupid ploy to get to my stepson, to make him fall in line….or to push my daughter-in-law over the edge, so she has a mental breakdown, making trouble for the whole family. So this rotten someone can feel right, can feel vindicated in some way. What a nasty piece of shit.

It won’t work.

My daughter may be struggling right now, but she is strong. She is strong!

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Published in: on May 11, 2024 at 2:52 pm  Comments (1)  
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