Jacquelyn's Space

Things to do today:

Get my act together.

Which means get my ass out of bed and complete at least two assignments for school.

I’ll be back later to report on my progress.

**

Not going so well. So fucking irritated. First of all I am sick of the kids. Sick of the whining and the crying because they have to do homework, or clean their room, or something else they don’t want to do. I don’t want to stand over them and crack the whip. So fucking tired of it. I have my own damn homework I need to do…expend the energy on.

I am fucking sick of dealing with other people’s children. So sick of it. I didn’t raise any of these children from birth so why am I stuck correcting their bad behavior, essentially the mistakes of others…correcting parenting failures.

Not to mention the fact that, as a pseudo-mother (a mother stand-in, placeholder, or erstwhile usurper)– step or foster– I feel like nothing I do will ever be appreciated because…well just because I am not their birth mother. It is like I have to go above and beyond for any respect, love, recognition…fight a constant battle against a fucking IDEAL, a ghost really. It is a fight I have always known I’d be on the losing end of so I don’t even engage in it, yet the damn kids expect it! SICK OF IT!

And then there is visitation. Fucking visit when you say your going to visit. They are your kids and they are counting on you. Either you want to see them, under whatever circumstances, or you do not. And I am not talking about a little late– 5-10 minutes, or even 20-30 minutes isn’t a big deal. But a consistent hour or two late is completely unacceptable. I just wish the damn parent would show up within the hour he said he was going to, not over 2 fucking hours later. I am sick of apologies– they do nothing for me.

Still no homework done– don’t feel like doing it at all.

**

Well, I got a little done last night but not two assignments. I got a start on one and I did some posting for my online class.

Still have to scratch some stuff off my TO DO list.

When will I ever learn to go to bed early. I was up late– I don’t really know why. I didn’t have time to get my nap in today, I had to work. Ugh. Now I am regretting not going to bed early and getting sleep. Well, I regretted it as soon as I had to get the boys up for school, but now the boys are back home, crabby, pesky, and whiny. UGH! I can’t deal with it. I have so much homework to do, no energy, no concentration, and I have to deal with needy children. Double UGH! Plus make dinner. Should have brought home McDonald’s.

To top it all off, at some point this evening, I am going to have to force these kids to do their own homework. UGH. UGH. UGH.

I keep thinking; now I know why I didn’t have kids of my own.

UGH!

Everybody is going to bed early tonight. I mean it.

I must study this article. I am going to keep it here for future reference.

18 Things Highly Creative People Do Differently

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/04/creativity-habits_n_4859769.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

Ooooh! Here is another article I must pull apart. I want to find the sources the author used.

In Defense Of The ‘Impractical’ English Major

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/14/how-english-majors-are-ch_n_4943792.html

Up late, reading. Polished off two novels. Now I can’t sleep…all hopped up on story and words. Too many ideas; I am high on ideas. I feel like I could conquer the world.

If only I wasn’t so tired.

***

Finished Ragtime, finished Wintergirls, This puts me ahead on my reading for the semester (only for the semester– I find the more I read and learn, the farther behind I am on all that I want to read and learn). Being ahead, is a good thing, yet it is bad too. I start forgetting the details almost as soon as I am done with a book. I once wished for that– to forget a book once I read it so I’d have the pleasure of reading it for the first time all over again. Well I got my wish– kind of. I still remember the themes and plot of a novel. Just the little details, the things that I need for class discussions, are what I forget…GRRR.

Just the shear volume of reading makes me forget too– so far this semester I have read 18 novels (and uncountable short stories–plus a couple more novels for sheer pleasure)! That is the most reading I’ve done in years. My brain and memory are getting quite the workout.

What is it about a stomach bug (or a slight bout of food poisoning?) that turns and adult into a little kid again?

I have a sick tummy…well I did. I think it is going away. I had it all day yesterday– nausea, diarrhea, stomach cramps (not too bad), and chills. And I wanted my mommy– just a little. Ha.

(Actually I was supposed to go up north to see her this week-end. Boo! I called her instead)

Of course I wanted to puke but I think I have myself trained not to because I absolutely hate it. It all came out the other end and was not pleasant. I was surprised at how much liquid I had in me…and that kept coming out. Yuck!

I stuck to my bed and didn’t eat or drink anything for almost a full 24 hours. I am surprised I did get seriously dehydrated. I might have been a little dehydrated– my legs were a bit ache-y.

I was afraid to eat and drink.

But now I feel I am on the mend. Tomato soup and Ritz crackers never tastes so good. No nausea and cramps…only a bit of stomach rumbling.

I am still afraid to eat much though. And now I am reading a book about an anorexic– Laurie Halse Anderson’s Wintergirls (for my Adolescent Lit. class). That really helps my paranoia about eating, ha! The book and this sick tummy incident may help me become anorexic– only about 100 pounds to go, more or less.

I know. I’m terrible. I shouldn’t joke.

And I have a sneaking, paranoid suspicion that I brought this illness on myself because I have been eating way too much lately; too much fat in my system caused this sick tummy. IDK