Jacquelyn's Space

Okay. I haven’t made much progress with on my NY’s resolutions. I have not been writing. I have only been thinking about writing. I have not even been reading, only planning on all the things I want to read…and buying, buying books.

I have not been exercising. I have only been thinking about exercising. The thoughts are there just not the will or the energy.

I haven’t necessarily been eating better but I haven’t been eating as much as I used to. Well, at times. I weighed myself a couple of weeks ago and since I found out I weighed less than I thought I started eating a lot of junk. Like some stupid thought got stuck in my head that I have to bulk up. I have noticed this before. Self-sabotage! But this week I haven’t been too bad. I just haven’t been good.

I have not looked for a new job yet. I have only thought about looking. I have thought about which direction I should go. I don’t have any answers. It makes me sad. And anxious. Very anxious. In fact, as I am writing in this I realize I am perseverating in the thoughts of a better job or career …the thoughts, I have to do this, this, and that but what should I do? What is the best direction? And I am really afraid I am too old for anything now. UGH! I need to stop.

I did take that CNA class and it was fun. I think I would enjoy the work if I was able to do it well, meaning that I am not overloaded with patients. I hear you are almost always overloaded with patients. I am going to try to do the job anyway–at least so I can get some clinical hours and I can get my class tuition back. I just need to take the state test. I suppose I don’t have to before I look for a job but I want to get the test out of the way first. I think. So I must go over my notes and practice.

Mostly I have just been focusing on the day to day–dishes and laundry, dishes and laundry, picking up–trying to keep up with my house (and not succeeding). And I’ve been shopping, lots of online shopping. This happens when I am anxious. Like I need to spend more money! But that’s how it goes. So between just trying to keep up with things and the anxiety, I have been very tired. Plus, I think I am on the verge of menopause. My cycles have not been right and this is really fucking my system up. Frustrating. Very frustrating.

And this is boring. Very boring.

She was warned.

She was given an explanation.

Nevertheless, 

she persisted. 

I want to write something but I don’t know exactly what to write. Lots going on but nothing really going on…I don’t know. I guess I want something easy to write about but nothing is easy. Everything is fraught with mixed emotions and complexities I don’t feel I have the energy to do justice to in writing. Either that or it is just too fucking mundane to write about. I guess I’ll just make a list. Maybe I’ll tackle them one by one, go more in depth, maybe I won’t.

Shit that’s on my mind:

Ugh, have to make dinner.

Kids getting on my last nerve.

My stepson is getting on both me and my husband’s last nerve.

This whole Trump (I will hence forth refer to him as Dump) as president-elect.

Meryl Streep’s very eloquent take down of Dump in her Golden Globes acceptance speech.

Stupid ass Republicans and the people that vote for them.

My house, going through all the stuff, keeping it clean and organized.

Getting ready to take the CNA class.

Should I go back and finish up my Master’s degree?

Four days into the new year and I have done absolutely no work on my New Year’s resolutions. What were they again? HA.

Okay, okay, I remember now. The same thing I always vow. So this is me trying to write more. I don’t have much to say. I have been tired, cold, and unmotivated. My husband is sick. My nephews came back last night and there went my peace, not that I was doing anything any way.

Well I did a little something. I checked into going back to school this semester. They really aren’t offering any of the classes I need to finish up my Master’s. Ugh! I believe I have to finish that this year. I am still not sure I want to. I want to study writing…I always want to do that but I don’t need another English degree if it isn’t going to get me a decent job…

I also checked into taking a CNA class. That would get me on track to pursue a career that would help me find a job almost anywhere. My ultimate goal is to move up north–there are CNA and nursing jobs up north. I figured I’d become a CNA to see if I liked the work and go from there. My friend Tonya signed up for a class in January and turned me on to a relatively inexpensive class and it is short–only two weeks long. I have been thinking about it and thinking about it. I decided to go for it and signed up yesterday. Me and Tonya plan on carpooling to the class so it might be fun. There is supposedly a guaranteed job once you get done with the class. One can only hope. I love my co-workers at my McDonald’s job (and many of the customers) but I need to move on towards my goals, and I would like something that pays much better too. I think being a CNA will help me with that I just hope I can do the work (physically) and I hope I can enjoy it.

So I am slowly moving toward some of what I want to accomplish. Need to get my life on track. I’ve been living for others too much lately.

2017 has got to be the year! So I will make resolutions and try to keep them.

Put my degrees to work and/or find a better paying job.

–It isn’t about prestige for me, it is all about the money…and a little bit about the work itself. I like to help people, I like to bring some kind of happiness to the world. First and foremost I would like to help my family, to bring them happiness. I need money to do so because Lord knows I don’t have enough energy and time. So I would like to find a better paying job and maybe, finally put my degrees to use.

Eat better

–I need to lose weight. Tired of being fat (obese) and out of shape. I want to be more energized above all though!! I would like to look better too.

Exercise regularly

–See Above. I don’t want to be that fat old person that can’t move. My knees and hips are creaking. I don’t like it. I want to be able to move so I can do all the activities my heart desires. Plus, i have high blood pressure and I think I might be on my way to becoming a diabetic. Don’t want that!! NO! And my husband needs to exercise and eat better so he doesn’t have any more blocked arteries…or so we can slow the blockages. That is a real fear…so I have to get us on track with diet and exercise.

Write more

–I resolve this every year and every year I am so damn lazy. I do want to write.I love studying writing. I want to get on with it. I have a diary I started in junior high (a gift from my mother), I’d like to finish that. It is less than 80 small pages. So I’d like to finish that and write much more.

So tired of people trying to bash me because I do not like Trump, or because I am a liberal.

NEWSFLASH for all those curious as to why I don’t like TRUMP. My vote is my right and yes I think TRUMP is a huge joke and would be horrible for this country. Defend your support for him instead of making comments on my posts, which by the way aren’t as emotional and illogical, and just plain untrue as yours: I don’t like Republican politics–don’t like their policies and I think they are a bunch of hypocrites. They spend too much time touting family values (while not living up to that which they speak–the prevalent attitude is do as I say not as I do) and they try to legislate morality (revisiting topics we have already decided long ago) and you cannot legislate morality. I have always felt that way. The country does better under Democratic presidents. That is where my support for Hillary comes from. I would have preferred Bernie but he lost the primary. Sure the Clinton’s aren’t the best but they aren’t the worst. For all the bad they have done a lot of good, what has Trump done besides feed his ego, make money off of America, and have a somewhat entertaining reality show? There is a lot of Republican propaganda swirling around out there that many people take at face value because they don’t like liberals. Whatever. While I do not think Trump is a true Republican, he is a train wreck in my opinion. He doesn’t have the temperament to be president and that is just the tip of the iceberg. He is not a great business man–he has 4-6 bankruptcies to prove that and who pays for all his mistakes? We do, the American taxpayer. He doesn’t pay taxes for all his wealth and poor and middle class people want to elect him? For what? So he can continue to get rich off of our backs? Continue economic policies like that? He certainly isn’t going to help the common man. He is a crook but of course all the controversy surrounding Hillary and good soundbites make all that disappear for a lot of people. It isn’t terrorists or immigrants killing this country, it is Americans and their death grip on sentimentality–the good ole days– the idea that what we had in the past was so great and that it can be brought back. It is not all that great to be a country run by racists, misogynists, and xenophobes. Trying to break away from that. Now do we need change in Washington? Change in politics? Yes. But Trump is not the answer. He doesn’t have the brains for it and he doesn’t care either. He only cares about himself and feeding his ego. A lot of people think that’s cute, I do not. I’ll take my chances with Hillary, thank you very much.