Jacquelyn's Space

I had a dream last night that I was looking at my body, my abdomen more specifically. In the dream I was noticing how I had lost a lot of weight and it was flattening out nicely. It looked good. 🙂 So I got up today and weighed myself. I have lost almost 3 pounds! That is after being stuck on the same weight for a month. Great! I have lost a total of 24 pounds since last February.

The silly thing is I have been eating pretty much whatever I want. Candy, cheese, about a donut or pastry a day…whatever. I just haven’t been eating as much as I used to, most days. I suppose I am not eating as much junk food, like chips, as I used to. I still do every once in a while but I am pretty sick of it all. I don’t know. This seems very weird to me. Good but weird. Too easy. Like, am I sick or something?

It’s the new year and guess what? I got no motivation. UGH! All I want to do is chill. I am chilling, quite literally. It is too cold here in Michigan–the weather has been in the single digits or in negative numbers. It is really getting to me. Well the weather and I have been sick with a head cold. I need to get motivated. I want to finish my Master’s degree, I want to take the CNA test, I want to get healthier…

Right now all I do lately is lay around, watch TV, and eat. I don’t want to gain back the weight I lost. I WANT TO LOSE IT!!

It seems like this always happens. I see myself making progress and then I fizzle out. Am I sabotaging myself? I don’t know. Part of me thinks yes, but part of me knows that I have quite a few challenges to overcome in addition to the weather and being sick with a cold.

I need to push ahead though! I need to push through the challenges.

One thing I need to do is see my doctor. I’ve been having a problem with my knees, or is it my legs in general. It is hard to determine the exact nature of the problem though mobility is an issues at times. I need to get this taken care of for my health–so I can exercise, so I can work, so I can get a better job.

I need to call my doctor and make an appointment. I should have done it today. I must do this Monday.

My old resolutions! Yes, they are still in play:

2017 2018 has got to be the year! So I will make resolutions and try to keep them.

Put my degrees to work and/or find a better paying job.

–It isn’t about prestige for me, it is all about the money…and a little bit about the work itself. I like to help people, I like to bring some kind of happiness to the world. First and foremost I would like to help my family, to bring them happiness. I need money to do so because Lord knows I don’t have enough energy and time. So I would like to find a better paying job and maybe, finally put my degrees to use.

I did not put my degrees to work in 2017 but I did find a better job. Of course I am still looking for an even better job. I’ll keep at it. 🙂

Eat better

–I need to lose weight. Tired of being fat (obese) and out of shape. I want to be more energized above all though!! I would like to look better too.

I did not eat better, not really. I have been eating less. I have lost weight! 20 pounds over the year. I am 20 pound lighter! Yay! 

I have to get me and my husband eating better. 

Exercise regularly

–See Above. I don’t want to be that fat old person that can’t move. My knees and hips are creaking. I don’t like it. I want to be able to move so I can do all the activities my heart desires. Plus, i have high blood pressure and I think I might be on my way to becoming a diabetic. Don’t want that!! NO! And my husband needs to exercise and eat better so he doesn’t have any more blocked arteries…or so we can slow the blockages. That is a real fear…so I have to get us on track with diet and exercise.

This I did not do. I really need to concentrate on this. Perhaps it will be easier now that I am a little lighter.

Write more

–I resolve this every year and every year I am so damn lazy. I do want to write.I love studying writing. I want to get on with it. I have a diary I started in junior high (a gift from my mother), I’d like to finish that. It is less than 80 small pages. So I’d like to finish that and write much more.

I did write more. I went back to school so of course I wrote more. I didn’t write what I really wanted though, I want to do more creative stuff. Need to work on this. 

For 2018:

Finish my Master’s degree–I am so close. I just need to do it.

Take the CNA test–took the class so this is another thing I need to finish. This will help me get a better job. 🙂

Finish TESOL certification–something I started in 2017 and it is within my reach to finish it in 2018. Then I can travel the world and make money, lol… Maybe. A friend in Japan says that with my Master’s degree and my TESOL certification I could teach at a university there. If I could but leave my husband and my cat.

Look into getting a degree in nursing or get started on the prerequisites–I want to do this because that’s where the good paying jobs are at and I could very well find a nursing job up north if nothing else.

I made it! I can’t believe it but I made it through the semester, I made it through the holidays. I made it and I am only now just realizing it. I can slow down for a minute, I guess.

I took 3 classes Fall semester and I got As in them all. I can’t believe it. I almost gave up. The damn undergrad class–the TESOL class–was the most demanding. I had such a long to-do list for that class, and papers to write (one overdue) for another class, an American Lit class. I didn’t think I had it in me to finish everything. I finished the Lit class–thankfully the professor wasn’t too demanding. I finished up all my tasks for TESOL class, which included a “Scavenger Hunt” where I had to complete 9-10 activities (interviews and observations, mostly–it came to something like 19 pages once I wrote everything out) and write short reflections on them. We had all semester to do this but of course I got a late start. Then we had so many other assignments to complete late in the semester: an online or computer-assisted language application evaluation (mine ended up being something like 11 pages long), a classroom observation (hell, this was at least 4-5 pages long), AND a final paper…

I got everything done except the final paper. I almost gave up but I made one last push to get it done. I intended on doing a research paper/literature review about journaling in TESOL classrooms. I just couldn’t do it–ran out of time so what I did was just a 7 page reflection on my reasoning for the use of journaling/blogging in the classroom. It worked! I got it done, turned it in, and got an A on it. It was enough! Yay!

All assignments completed, and a successful semester.

AND, In the midst of the final weeks of the semester I started a new job. It was the wrong time but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity. My husband had been telling me that they were looking for wheelchair van drivers where he works so I put in my application, did an observation there, then got the ball rolling on getting in there. I got the job–I guess they couldn’t tell me no, I wouldn’t let them, ha. I don’t know, but I got the job and so I started training during the last weeks of the semester. It is good to be out of McDonald’s but this wheelchair van driving comes with new challenges. So far I really like it, despite the nasty winter weather I have to drive through.

I made it. Now what’s on for 2018?

Yay! I got my office back. How long had it been? Over 4 years.

I moved my computer back into our office today. My husband cleaned out my stepson’s stuff and cleaned up the room…then it kind of was starting to get overwhelmed with papers. So today I tidied it up and decided to move my computer back in here. So here I am. I was not in a good mood today and this makes me happy…makes me feel like writing. It truly is the little things that make you happiest.

Now I can come in here and shut the door and write and/or work on homework…well when the cat isn’t bothering me.

In other news: I can now walk around my own house naked or scantily clad…and I do. I am typing in my bra and underwear right now! I did some housework naked the other day. Ha ha.

I was thinking. I don’t want to be the hero. I am not superwoman. I cannot do everything. Unfortunately, I cannot do everything. That is a hard reality to face but it is the reality. I am able to face it but to get others to realize it is the hard part. To get others used to the answer no and to get them to accept it. I just think you set yourself up for failure when you try to be the hero all the time. I know I did, and I know there are ways that I failed. And it hurt. It still hurts. I want to be self-sacrificing but I cannot sacrifice everything I want to the needs of others. I will not sacrifice everything that I am, everything that I want and need, for others. Not at this point. I simply don’t have the resources–energy- wise nor financially. As a matter of fact, the bit that I have done to help people in my family has put me behind. And it was never enough. That is the kicker– it is never enough. So it was okay helping for a time but now I have to move on and do the things that I want to do with my life, then perhaps later I will be in a better place to help again, or help others outside of my family.

That’s where I am at now. I don’t want to be the hero. I am not superwoman and I refuse to be forced into that role. I just want to be me. Selfishly, I just want to be.