Jacquelyn's Space

I Remember 9-10-86

The wind whispered “Remember?” and I did. 25 years ago tonight my grandma was hit by a car and killed. I had forgotten to mark the day, as I have in the past. Not that it doesn’t matter to me anymore; just that time has a way of dulling memory like an eon of waves pounding on a sharp rock. I usually remember sometime in September whether it is just before or past the anniversary. Tonight the wind reminded me while I was packing. It was not really windy out but it did pick up and for a second or two sounded just like it did the night my grandma was killed. I remember the sorrow of that night. The mournful gusty wind that swayed the trees. My mother’s cry when she came home.

I remember my grandma. The woman who taught me to pray, to appreciate personal histories and old stories, to persevere, and to take time to stop and enjoy flowers.

Ack! School is back in session.

My brain is not ready for school. All summer long I couldn’t wait to get back in school but now that I am I am not ready. All I can think about is up north – the U.P. and the Straits area. Over Labor Day, my husband and I went up there to do the Bridge Walk. Because we waited so long to decide to do the Bridge Walk this year we had to find a place to stay outside of Mackinaw City and St. Ignace. I decided I would rather go further north and drive down to the bridge (less traffic) than stay south of Mackinaw City and drive up. We ended up getting a mini cabin in Brimley State Park on Whitefish Bay, Lake Superior. It was fun and I love it way up there of course. We only went up for Sunday and Monday but we packed a lot of stuff in that brief time.

We set up camp around 6 or 7 then went checked out the beach on the bay. The day was cold and overcast and the water was pretty rough but I put my feet in. It was refreshing. On our way back to our cabin a tiny little blond boy was standing in the middle of the street sizing us up. He looked like a mini version of my husband. I smiled at the boy and was about to say hi when I noticed the little stinker was sticking his tongue out at me! I started laughing and tried to tell my husband but it was too late, the boy turned away and walked on.

We went for a ride to see what we could see. We had never been in that area. We checked out the casino up there (Bay Mills). Lost about $20, naughty us. Then we took a jaunt over to Sault Ste. Marie. By that time it was dark and not much was going on. There were a few bars restaurants open but we had brought food to cook so we headed on back to the cabin for a late supper. We had a campfire and cooked hamburgers. It was a relaxing night by the fire listening to the waves and a drunk sing-along a couple of camp sites over. It was a cold night but we couldn’t snuggle because the mini cabin was only equipped with two sets of bunk beds. Luckily it had a small heater that really put out some heat. We were roasting in there by morning.

In the morning we cooked breakfast which took a lot longer than anticipated. We had to hurry and pack up to drive down to make the Bridge Walk by 11am. The drive down was pretty easy – hardly any traffic like I thought. We made to St. Ignace about 10:30 and hurried for the bridge. Yay! I love Mackinac Bridge. There were still plenty of people walking. This is our second year walking the Bridge. It is just cool to be a part of the event. The walk went by so fast this year though. It is hard to describe. Let’s see – great panoramic views of the Straits, great views of the bridge you don’t get to see just driving over, a small sense of danger, a larger sense of danger when you look down through the steel grating or get to close to the rail, ha and a wonderful sense of pride and community with the other walkers.

After the Bridge Walk we checked out a few shops in Mackinaw City – it was a madhouse so we made our way to the buses to get bussed back over to the other side, to our car. It was still early and we didn’t want to go right home so we rode around. We took a coast rode along Lake Michigan that had spectacular views of the bridge. We eventually came out to HWY 2 so we drove west on that and checked out a National Forest then ended up on the beach. My husband napped while I stalked some small cute birds on the beach. A whole flock just peeped up close to us and they were fun to watch – they would get close to the water, looking for food, and the waves would chase them away knocking a few of the slow ones over. The little birds would roll around in the sand and then get up, shaking out their feathers and peeping. Too cute! I think they are called plovers. Eventually we had to leave.

Great article posted on facebook by Buckeye BonusMom. Wish I would have read this at the beginning of my stepmom journey.

http://www.facebook.com/notes/buckeye-bonusmom/loyalty-wars-shared-by-another-stepmom-passed-along-to-all-stepmoms-/388667949231

The Loyalty Wars

[Courtney’s note: This article was written for Step-Parents, but EVERY PARENT of a child whom they share custody of, needs to read it and understand it’s implications on the fragile minds of their children]

Sometimes Skids (Step-KIDS) are put in the terrible position of realizing that their bio-moms will give them more love and/or attention if they openly dislike, or are unhappy with, any aspect of life at Dad’s.

Recognizing and responding to The “Loyalty Wars”

Sadly some children of divorced parents experience what I call, “The Loyalty War.” This is a painful situation for any child. It can cause them to act out in angry and hurtful ways, ironically at the parent who is NOT perpetuating this nightmare. Clearly they are victims of this parent generated, emotional tug of war. As Stepmoms, we can’t stop this situation. It’s yet another thing we have no control over and it is absolutely infuriating to watch. However, the good news is that we can do something to mitigate the negative impact on our Stepkids (Skids) by understanding the situation as soon as possible and responding in helpful and healing ways.

In the movie, “STEPMOM,” the young boy, in an attempt to show his loyalty to his Mom, says about his Stepmom, “I’ll hate her if you want me to.” He was willing to hate his Stepmom, someone he obviously cared for, just to please his Mom.

I’m writing from the perspective of a Stepmom. I can’t comment on how it is for Mom’s who have ex-husband’s engaging in this war. All I know is that when a bio-mom is not willing to behave in a responsible, adult fashion and interact (or even pretend to act) positively about their children’s life at Dad’s-a Loyalty War breaks out in the heart and mind of a child. We had hundreds of examples of this in the first year of the SMOMS bulletin board. The bio-mom has most of the power. That is a hard thing to accept but it is true. The biological connection between mother and child is so strong, that words are not even needed for an angry bio-mom to declare war on her child’s father and his Stepmom. How sad is that? It’s sad but it is life for some of us. A bio-mom who is asking her child to prove his or her love by not loving someone else is cruel and selfish, but it happens. However, the bio-moms who are able to process their feelings in ways that have no negative impact on their kids are honored and appreciated by Stepmoms. I know this because many of our SMOMS are also bio-moms. Their kids and skids are very lucky children.

Anyway, back to this topic. To help the situation , it is key to recognize it. Once you do, you will probably feel an immediate wave of compassion for your Skids. You will probably also find, as I did, that your heart will open, even more to the Skids. Clearly, you will also feel more anger to the bio-mom. That is understandable. That anger needs to be processed in healthy ways. But let’s focus now on the Skids.

Symptoms of a Skid caught in a Loyalty War:

1. Feels the need to compare anything good at Dad’s-by commenting on how it is at Mom’s and always making Mom’s as good as or better than Dad’s.
2. In the middle of a “Happy Family” Moment at Dad’s they suddenly express the need to call Mom and talk to her RIGHT NOW! Not allowing this call, can generate genuine anxiety in the Skids.
3. Not being willing to be happy or participate in fun activities with Dad, expressing some version of, “Mom might not like it” or “Mom said she wanted to be the first one to do this with me.” or “Mom told me doing this was stupid or wrong.” FYI:This behavior is actually an early form of martyrhood-that is, denying themselves pleasure while punishing Dad, just to prove their love to the bio-mom.)
4. Creating arguments right before returning to their Mom’s so they can genuinely complain to Mom about life at Dad’s. This is often a result of Mom teaching their kids that they will get 100% of Mom’s attention and approval whenever they have anything negative to say about life at Dad’s. The reversal could also be true. The Mom’s may have also shown them (never having said a word) that they get a negative or neutral reaction from Mom if they share a happy Dad/Stepmom story.

The Loyalty Wars are particularly effective with children ages 5-15. At some point, a teenage Skid will figure out what’s going on and their frustration and anger will be more correctly and effectively focused. At some point they will enter the game as an active player, having a great time with Dad and SMOM, then making up tales of woe when talking with the bio-mom in order to get her attention and approval. Until the Skids see the game for what it is, they are at the mercy of their angry Moms. The War is over once a child calls either or both parents on this hurtful behavior.

What can SMOMS (and Dads) do to help their Skids?

1. Recognize the conflict for what it is. Trying to get someone to get along or do the right thing, when they have shown repeatedly that they are not interested in doing so is a losing battle. Stay focused on what we can do.
2. Take NOTHING personally. When you realize that these Skids are being asked/manipulated/ threatened to pick one parent over the other- compassion for the Skids usually flows freely and you can choose to let go of the bio-mom’s actions. That is a choice, not a process.
3. Take the High Road, the honorable path and resist the urge to counter-attack. This urge is not a bad thing, it’s a human thing but responding, getting hooked by these behaviors only makes things worse. It makes the Skids feel like they are caught in an emotional ping pong game where they can only lose more and more. We have lots of ways to process our anger at the situation. Honor the anger AND help your Skids.
4. Protect your relationship with your Skids by seeing what is happening and backing off whenever you can. We can begin to let their comments about how Mom’s this or that is better by simply saying, “Great!” and disengaging from the competition for their attention and approval. Your Skids will be visibly relieved when they feel you withdrawal from the unspoken emotional competition. You read about “putting the kids first,” well this is a great example of putting our feelings about the situation aside and helping the Skid’s feel safe and secure first.
5. Take the pressure off your marriage and stop expecting your husband to do something about it if he isn’t inclined to on his own. It is not against the law to do what these angry bio-moms are doing. It is also impossible to prove what they are doing without getting the skids in the middle. Believe me, I know this can be hard but I also know that when you back away and begin to support the Skids, they feel the difference and so will you-in positive ways.
6. I have noticed that as we switch our attention from trying to get the bio-Mom to behave as a mature adult (impossible if they aren’t willing) and put our attention on helping these skids feel that at Dad’s house it is OK to love their Mom AND Dad AND Stepmom AND Stepdad, as much as they please there is a peacefulness that begins to build over time. We want to be able to look back on our actions and feel proud. This is one of those actions we can feel good about right now. It has both short and long-term benefits.

We can’t end the Loyalty Wars but we can take a lot of the fire power out of this situation. I understand from grown Stepkids that when SMOMS do as I suggest, it is more noticed and appreciated by the Stepkids than they can say as kids but we are likely to receive the gratitude as they become adults. We all know it feels good to “Do the right thing.” Helping young people under this kind of stress is the right thing to do. Honoring the impact on us by extreme self-care, healthy anger processing and creative problem solving is also the right thing for you to do. Hope this helps. Bye for now, Cathryn Bond Doyle (Founder of SMOMS)

Why am I just discovering this? I love this!!

Argh! I was so excited to be ready for school. I have (or had) all my books and can’t wait for the new semester to start. Last week I got an email about a course I signed up for, ENG 400 which is the ‘capstone course’ for an English degree. This course changes topic and professor every semester so it is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you are going to get. I signed up for it a semester early because the topic, Women in Fiction, and the professor interested me. In the course we were to discuss Jane Austin, whom I love, and her book Mansfield Park, which I had read and re-read in preparation for the course. Good thing I didn’t actually buy the books for this course but had gotten them from the library because it would have been a waste of money.

The email I received was from another professor who will now be teaching the course. For some unknown reason the original prof will be unable to teach the course and the topic is now Virginia Woolf. Poo! I was really looking forward to the original prof (I had heard good things about her. I hope she is not sick or fired!) and to the original subject. I know almost nothing about Woolf and have never read her. I also think I have heard bad things about the prof that is now teaching the course though the source is questionable. So now I have a dilemma – should I take the course or not?

I did a little background research on Woolf. She seems like an interesting subject and studying her may actually allow me to work on both my English and psychological knowledge. She did commit suicide after all plus it is said that her writing deals with the inner thoughts and consciousness of character like no other author. The bad thing is I tried reading her first novel and I can’t get into it. Perhaps I will try harder.

I met with the prof who is teaching the course and he seems nice. The workload seems do-able, just a short and long paper but a lot of reading of course. I am just not sure. I have been going back and forth now for a week. Should I? Can I? Will it be worth it? Perhaps the course offering in winter will be better for me. What if it isn’t? Is this too much work? Am I taking on too much with 5 English classes? Well to that last question I know the answer is yes. This whole debacle has made me doubt myself. What to do? Poop. I feel like I had a jump on the semester and now I am lost.

Sleeping Bear Dunes Voted ‘Most Beautiful Place in America’

http://abcnews.go.com/Travel/best_places_USA/sleeping-bear-dunes-michigan-voted-good-morning-americas/story?id=14319616&fb_ref=abc-fb-recs