Jacquelyn's Space

December 7 — “A date that will live in infamy…” Ha ha, my Dad would usually say that on my birthday because I was born on Pearl Harbor Day. Of course the ‘date’ was in 1941 not 1971 on my birth date. But I always think of that every time my birthday rolls around. The date, the numbers intrigue me. Do they have any meaning for those born on that day or events on that day? I don’t know…of course numerologists and astrologists would say that there is significance to the numbers, the day/date, and its place on the calendar and in the universe.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Oh joy. Usually I just breeze right by it with just a few thoughts about the date but no celebration. I don’t have any plans to celebrate this year either…just thinking about the day, the date. Thinking about the fact that I am 41 years old. That feels ‘infamous’… sacrilegious even. Firmly in middle age now…it can’t be. Yuck! I don’t believe it!! I don’t want to; I really don’t want to be over 40…I don’t think I feel it mentally(physically I feel about 60-65); but do we really know how we should feel when we are middle-aged? Right now I feel pretty blah.

I should reflect on my years, my struggles, my successes, where I have come from and where I am going. I don’t feel quite up to it this year. Maybe next year…if me (and the world) are still around. Yeah, how many years do I have left? Ugh. Middle age does that to you–makes you ponder your own mortality.

But I won’t. I think I will let this birthday pass on by like the others and continue to pretend I am young(er) and have all the time in the world.

Sums up my life this year.

Can’t wait for 2012 to be over.

This is the worst fall I have had in a while. I have been sick three or four times since September on top of already being achy and exhausted because my fibromyalgia and CFS (and depression/anxiety) are being all that they can be. It is frustrating because as usual I have tons of things I need to do and want to do (like write in this blog) but all I seem to do is sleep or lay in bed trying to sleep. It seems insomnia is toying with me also. I am a wreck. I have not had a good semester at school– I am behind and uninspired– and I have not been able to look for a better job like I wanted to. So I am stuck in a rut and so very unproductive. Can’t wait for the semester is over…can’t wait until this fall is over. Maybe with the change in weather I will start to feel better (I have a friend that has fibromyalgia too and she has had a very bad fall as well so we are blaming the weather). I can only hope that I am done with being sick as I have had every damn cold this fall; I know next semester will definitely be better although it may be more work. I have to make a push to get caught up with this semester, get rest, and get in the right frame of mind to make next semester, next year, better. I guess writing this post is the first step in that process. I am trying to get myself fired up. I do feel a little better–a little more energized. 🙂

And I just joined two fibromyalgia online support groups…and I think I will start a fibromyalgia blog too! LOL…

I absolutely love the show Project Runway which is a little odd considering I don’t really care too much about fashion. I would rather just wear comfortable clothing–sweats and t-shirts–most of the time. Of course I do love my dresses. I suppose if I was thin I would be into fashion more…but I am getting off topic, ha.

I love the show– it makes me remember when I used to play with my Barbies and would try to make them dresses out of scraps of fabric; I guess I love the design aspect. It fires me up and makes me think of all kinds of clothes I would like to design. In fact I have a whole collection designed in my head based on my photos of Mackinac Island. One designer had a fabric printed with a picture of his mom’s x-ray and that sparked my idea– It would be so cool to have my photos printed on fabric!! I wonder how I can have that done and how much it would cost. I haven’t figured that out yet but I do have different pieces designed, as well as what colors and materials I would use to go along with my photos. Now if only I could sketch and draw, if only I could sew.

Ha ha, I am silly.

My husband and I picked up our son Friday. He finally was allowed to come home from the Navy after being in ‘SEPS’ for a couple weeks. It was a relief to see that he is okay but he has a bad cold. I don’t want that stuff so I have been avoiding him, ha.  Now it is back to the grind for him– he has to find a job, get in some classes so he can be an EMT (don’t know how he is going to pay for it– he wants to start in November) and firefighter, and, most importantly, learn how to deal with stress. I wish he could have made the Navy work for him because it would have set up his future (it would have made it easier for him to reach his goals) but I always did think that the military life wasn’t for him. I hoped that I was wrong but sometimes one doesn’t always get what one hopes for.