Ultimatum
It was in 2022 that I found out that my husband’s ex-wife, my stepson’s mother, laid down an ultimatum: She would not come to any of the grandkids’ birthday parties if I were there.
So how would my stepson know if I would be able to make it to the party or not until he invited me? I guess his mom also said that it was ok if he his dad was there, but she would not be there if I were there. At first, I thought it was just for the one party. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was hoping for the best, I guess.
The “Bigger Person”
For one party, she said she, “would be the bigger person and not attend.” Apparently, she had something else to do that day anyway. I knew nothing about her ultimatum for that party, knew nothing of the drama she was trying to create. How can she be “the bigger person” when she is the one setting the ultimatum? How can she be the bigger person when I wasn’t even told that was her stance on things? Had I known I would have put a stop to all that sooner…or I may even have stepped out of the picture altogether. But my stepson and his wife were trying to protect me and my husband from that mess, so they did not tell us about the ultimatum until after we had not been invited to a couple of parties. I think my husband actually had to ask his son. It was only then that we were told about the ultimatum. I don’t blame my stepson or his wife. Not now anyway. At the time I was pissed off and hurt. Not hurt that she made the ultimatum–that’s the way she is. I was hurt that my stepson bowed down to his mother, yet again, prioritizing her wants over everyone else. I was hurt that my stepson still had not outgrown that behavior. I realize my stepson’s mother put him in a shitty situation…but I wished he would have cared enough about me and his dad to tell his mom, no, that’s not how that’s going to work. I was also hurt that he had try to hide the situation from us, making us the second-string guests, only invited at the last minute or after the main event.
I don’t know how anyone expected that to work long-term. Maybe my stepson’s mother can comment on that…
What were her expectations???
I know what I think her expectations were. I think she just expected my husband and I to disappear, and/or, for my stepson to not want to have us in his life. I have thought that, nay, known that, for a long time now. She has always done her best to push us out of HER son’s life.
But logistically, how did she expect my stepson to accommodate her wishes knowing that he did still have somewhat of a relationship with his dad?
For one, my husband does not drive. He never has. For him to be somewhere that I am not, I would either have to drive him, drop him off, and disappear myself from the function (family functions), or someone else would have to pick him up and take him. I would still have to disappear. I would not be there to support my husband. He would have to go to all family functions thrown by his stepson alone, without his partner. How is that fair? Would my stepson’s mother do that? Would she also leave her husband behind? I mean, my husband, her ex, has every right to ask that of her if she would ask that of him. He has more right, in my opinion but I won’t get into that in this post.
Animosity
When I found out about the ultimatum, I messaged my stepson and told him to invite his dad to things, he didn’t have to invite me. Obviously, he could invite who he wanted. I wanted him to call his mother’s bluff. Have a party, invite his dad, and see if his mom would come. I really didn’t think she was being genuine when she said it was ok if her ex was there. I think she knew that he would not or could not attend if I was not invited as well. But I was willing to give it a try because at the point of the ultimatum, I really didn’t care anymore. I had stepped so far out of my stepson’s life that a relationship with him or his new family wasn’t worth fighting for. Not after all I had been through, and all I had done for others, all I wanted was peace and to concentrate on my own life. I didn’t want the drama, didn’t want to make my stepson’s life or the lives of his new family miserable with the jealousy, insecurities, competition, and nastiness that seemed to come with dealing with my stepson’s mother. By the way, that is jealousy, insecurity, competition, and nastiness on HER part. I feel like I have dealt with my “stuff” quite well over the years, this blog being part of it. My stepson’s mother should know why I do not like her, why I have animosity towards her, though she refuses to accept it.
You see, she had asked me years before and I have never been shy about letting her know. It is not a mystery. I don’t like the way she treats my husband. I don’t like the way she treated him, and I don’t like the way she continues to treat him. It is that simple. Over the years, I also saw some things that she did to my stepson, her own child, and I was not happy about that either. That is why I do not like her. Since she seems to not be able to take responsibility for her behavior, she pretends that I have no reason to dislike her, that she is just an innocent victim of my wrath. Oh wait! She thinks I am jealous because I want what she has. No, I have never been jealous of her. I am not typically a jealous person. Sure, I’m human. I do have jealousies, but they are never so big that it makes me dislike a person or treat someone with disrespect because I am jealous of them. I would hazard a guess that my stepson’s mother cannot understand that. She seems to be a very jealous person, not adept at handling her emotions. Plus, I suspect she likes to think that I am jealous of her. It feeds her ego…also, it gives her an excuse to not like me, to not take responsibility for her behaviors towards me.
Separate but (Un)equal?
Due to the ultimatum, my husband and I were not invited to a few events that my stepson and Beth (then girlfriend, now wife) held, or we were invited to another event, usually after the first or main event. It was like they were trying to do separate but equal parties, but my husband and I could tell we were being “managed.” So that made my husband tell my stepson, “You know you can invite us to events that you invite your mom too” or something like that. That is how the truth came out about the ultimatum. I kind of touched on that above. I felt bad because it is unfair for the kids to have to throw 2 events for everything, nor was it always feasible given everyone’s schedules and resources (time, money, and energy). We are all busy people. It also sets up for a very difficult future and was not setting a good example for the grandkids– “Oh, the grandparents can’t get along, so we have to keep them separate.” This is not really the case, anyway, except to protect Sue’s delicate feelings. We had always attended my stepson’s school events without drama. The parents may not have liked each other (though my husband jokes, “I liked all my ex-wife’s boyfriends” LOL) but we could attend the same event and get along or at least avoid each other. I felt that if Sue, my stepson’s mother wanted to make ultimatums, then let her throw her exclusive parties on her dime and the kids could invite whomever they wanted to their parties.
For whatever reason, my stepson tried to accommodate his mom, at first. I can speculate on the reasons, but I will not within this post. OK, I’ll take a stab at it. He was used to her manipulations. He had accommodated them most of his life in order to feel loved. He listened to (and believed?) the shade she cast about me and his father. He was the victim of parental alienation. It may not have been the worst case in history, but parental alienation has always been present to some degree.
Unfortunately, it ended badly. For my stepson, mostly. Not so much for me and my husband. Of course, we had hurt feelings, but we are capable of mending those. I think the straw that broke the camel’s back was when my stepson proposed to Beth. I wrote about this in a previous post. My stepson told us ahead of time that he was going to propose, and that family was going to be there. Then we weren’t invited. His mom and her family were. That made us feel like we weren’t considered family at all. Really, given the rift between his parents, or rather, his mother’s ultimatum, he should have had a private proposal and, if he wanted family to see the proposal, he could have had a neutral third-party film it. That would have been the best and most fair. He couldn’t really have two different proposals.
Nor could he and Beth have two weddings. Beth had a wedding shower and Sue did not come because I was invited. That was terribly unfair to Beth. She was thrust into the middle of this family drama…drama that was created by Sue, I might add. I was not the one laying down ultimatums. Nor had my husband.
So Sue did not come to the shower. It made Beth wonder if she would show for the wedding. It was kind of a big mystery for a time and generated hurt feelings. There could have been two wedding showers (though I did not hear of Sue offering to throw one), I suppose, but the kids could not do two different weddings just to accommodate Sue. It is not possible to do two of every occasion. There can be no separate but equal. It just doesn’t work. There can only be separate and unequal, shutting me and my husband out of some (most or all?) occasions. That is beyond unfair and very hurtful to many people. And I am not talking about myself. Plus, it is totally undeserved.
What would be best if all the grandparents would try to put forth their best effort to put the past behind them and try to get along, or at least mostly ignore each other. We’ve done it in the past, we could do it again. Not to mention the fact that Sue’s ultimatum, or Sue’s attitude does not take into account that people change, people have changed, and that a lot of years have passed since her divorce. All I could think to myself upon learning about the ultimatum, and I still ponder on it, is: It has been 11-12 years since my stepson turned 18 and graduated high school. Probably longer since me or my husband actually communicated with Sue. It had been at least 10 years since I had laid eyes on Sue and she on me. Do you know how much stuff has happened in that span of time? Do you know what I have been through. A whole hell of a lot. We’ve been through a fucking pandemic for God sakes! Yet we are still dealing with petty bullshit. Sue cannot put her nastiness aside and try to get along with me and her ex for the sake of her son, his woman, and the grandkids.
SHADE
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t particularly enjoy being around Sue, but I can do it, especially for the sake of my stepson and his family. Usually, I can find something I like about someone if they are willing to treat me with the same grace that I am treating them. I don’t like to be a phony, but I don’t necessarily have to be a bitch either, when around people I don’t like. It’s a juggling act for sure, it’s not comfortable, but before the ultimatum, I was working on forgiving Sue, trying to let the past go, and I thought that enough time had passed that perhaps we could forge a new peace. Boy was I wrong. This is where the shade comes in.
You see, only after Sue threw a fit and disowned her son and his family, did I learn what she told them about me and my husband. I may not even know all the shade she tried to cast, but this is what I do know. She told my stepson that I traumatized her, that I would email her nasty emails, that I reported her to her work, emailed her boss, and tried to get her fired. She also said that I overstepped as a stepmother, or as her ex-husband’s girlfriend/wife. About my husband, she said that he was a good man but not a good husband. She told the kids that her ex-husband did not pay the bills, ruined her credit, and it took her years to recover her credit after the divorce.
First of all, my husband is a good husband. I don’t know what kind of a husband he was to her, but he has been an awesome husband to me. He pays all the bills; when we first started living together, he said he wanted to pay all the bills because he did not want to be left high and dry again, like he was when his first wife left him. From what I can gather, they had a joint account, and it took both of their shitty incomes to support the household. I always thought that perhaps they were not ready to afford a house when they bought land and put a modular home on it but that is all water under the bridge now. They both had low-income jobs at the time and had a young child. It was too much for them to handle if you ask me. That is on both of them.
As far as not paying the bills and ruining someone’s credit. That sounds ridiculous. My credit has always been in my hands. Even though my husband and I are married, I take care of my credit. I can build it up or ruin it as I see fit. We all make mistakes, but I would never blame someone else for ruining my credit unless they stole my identity because what I decide to put in my name, on my credit, is my responsibility. I know what I can afford or not, I know what me and my husband can afford or not afford. I would never ask my husband to overextend himself, or pressure him to overextend himself for something I want. That is part of being in a partnership–you look out for each other. I feel like, knowing that Sue is manipulative, some of that was going when they were married. I am not saying that it was all Sue’s fault, but I don’t believe my husband (her ex) ruined her credit. She did that all on her own. Plus, divorce is hard to recover from financially, usually for both parties in the divorce. I know it was for my husband, until he started making better money. When I found out about this particular bit of shade, I told my husband: This is what he said:
“That’s hilarious. Because when we first got married, she was actually paying most of the bills. In fact, when our house got broken into and all the stuff got stolen out of it, that’s when I found out. She hadn’t been paying the house insurance because we went to file a claim, but we didn’t have any house insurance because she didn’t pay the bill.”
And that’s part of the reason why my husband has always been in charge of paying the bills in our relationship, and part of the reason why we don’t have a joint account or finances. I have Sue to thank for that. Ha. Thanks.
So, for her to be like she said it was, my husband would have had to have done a complete180 by the time we started dating and living together. Don’t forget about the other rumor I had heard–that my husband had been abusive towards Sue. So, a financially incompetent and abusive man does a complete turn-around in the space of a year or two. I am not saying that it is impossible, but it is not probable. Abusers hardly ever change. Those that are financially incompetent have trouble changing also, especially in that short amount of time and when still in basically the same poor situations. I don’t think my husband changed. I think he was the same nice guy that he always has been. Certainly, he had learned a few things from what he had just been through, but I don’t think he had changed from someone who was financially irresponsible to someone who was responsible. What I think is it was all shade cast by Sue to make herself feel better about her divorce…To deflect the blame on to someone else… To avoid taking responsibility for her own actions, of which I have noted in other posts.
April 1, 2024
I received messages from my daughter and certain things came to light:
*So, sue called Jordan while he is in class and all Jordan told me is she is upset. Thinking maybe some how she saw that post about disrespecting your daughter in law. Honestly, i don’t care if she did see it.
*Sue just called Jordan and told him that he is dead to her
*”Threw in his face that she helped pay for the house and said she doesn’t care that I am hurt. She didn’t want to listen to a word Jordan said. Said she didn’t do anything wrong. Jordan is having a mental breakdown…”
*During the last confrontation with his mom, according to his wife, my stepson yelled, “I’m 30 years old and my mom is still punishing me for her divorce!”
*”She said that I am bringing people back into her life that traumatized her, and she won’t have it. She said I “act just like Jackie” and that I’m choosing to spend time with and have the kids around Chuck and Jackie and that hurts her…”
*I’m bringing you, cece, Kathy and everyone back into her life apparently by choosing to have a relationship with you all
*She’s something else. Jordan even said “She’s 50 years old and she cut me out because she let a Facebook comment hurt her. I’m 30 years old and still she’s putting me in the middle. It’s not fair to you that you are made to choose.”
*Basically that you called her job and tried to get her fired, that you wrote a blog about how awful she was and sent it to her boss, that you would email her nasty stuff from Chucks email… and other things. That’s just what he’s told me though, there’s probably more but I don’t want to ask.
Take a gander at the timeline below.
A Timeline:
1998 my husband and his first wife divorced
1999 my husband and I started dating
1999 Sue remarried
1999 my husband and I started living together
2007 my husband and I married.
2011 my stepson came of age
2012 my stepson graduated high school/ child support stopped
2014 my stepson graduated fire academy, the last time his parents were all together
2023 my stepson married
Influence
I have a lot to say about influence, but I am still slowly going through documents, looking for a certain email in which to write my thoughts around.
Don’t worry, there is much more to come. I am almost there. I am just thinking deeply about all that has happened over the years and how best to present it in a (somewhat) brief and straightforward manner. I’m trying to be fair to all involved, but as this is my blog, it will always be my perception of things.
More to come….
Jacquelyn's Space 