Jacquelyn's Space

That is how I feel lately. I just want it to be me and my husband again– nobody else. I don’t think it is just the usual yearning for hibernation I go through every year around this time. I am just truly sick of doing for others and getting shit on in return. Perhaps I am feeling sorry for myself. Truly, I want to help others but I want to do it on my terms– I am sick of helping others that feel entitled to my help. It seems like anything I do is never enough for people like that (entitled), or I get blamed for them needing help in the first place–like I am the one that fucked up their life, made their poor choices for them, or led them down the wrong path.

It isn’t only that though. I want to get going full force on my dreams and I can’t do it when I am caring for or ‘helping’ others. Not right now. I need to get myself back. I want to concentrate on me and my husband– what we want for our future. I don’t care about the rest…well, I really can’t say that. I just don’t want to care anymore. I have very little left. It is time I start putting myself first, or me and my husband.

Sad but true. I know it by experience.

Yay! I am officially on break! I also took the week off work. Not that it matters much– I only work 2 days a week. But I can relax a bit (in-between the appointments I have scheduled…GRR) and maybe catch up on my reading, homework, and housework. Maybe I’ll even get to write for fun…just a bit.

I have been in a funk lately– what else is new? I am burnt out on school. I don’t want to write the papers for the classes I am taking…too boring. I don’t think I am in the right program…I either want a MFA (so I can concentrate on my creative writing) or I want to start working on an advanced degree in social work or psychology so I can be a mental health counselor.

I suppose I am sick of my life, my goals, being in limbo. I want to be on a clearer path toward my goals…thus far I have been on the scenic route, along with a few detours.

Reminds me of old times when I had a blog on MSN Spaces. It wasn’t anything I advertised much but I got a lot of foreign visitors (and comments from them– made a few internet friends) and that was kind of cool. Well, according to MSN stats somebody was checking my blog every day Monday through Thursday, morning, noon, and around 3pm. MSN stats would just tell you how many times your page had been visited and at what times, but not where the visitors were from. Curious as to who was checking my page 3 times a day like clockwork, I found a way to put an IP tracker on by blog. I kinda had an idea who was checking my page but I didn’t want to just assume. Intuition is all well and good (and I have awesome intuition) but it is always nice to have solid proof.

Lo and behold the person regularly checking my blog had an IP from the State of Michigan, indicating that it was someone on a state computer…someone who worked for the state. Who did I know that worked for the state? My husband’s ex-wife! Ha ha haa!

I also knew, because my stepson let it slip, that his mom worked Monday through Thursday. To top it all off, she would check my page on the week-end too. I figured out how to get her IP address from an email she sent my husband so I was able to compare IP’s. Isn’t technology great? Almost as great as intuition.

**

Funny, I let this person check my page for a few months knowing full well who it was. I didn’t let it be known that I knew who it was until she started acting like an asshole about something and trying to make out like her shit doesn’t stink.

https://jashalyn.wordpress.com/2008/12/17/so-i-wonder/

After that she didn’t check my page as much any more. LOL.

To get in shape by next winter so I can cross-country ski and snowshoe Mackinac Island.

I have been seeing all the winter pictures of the Island this year and I really want to go there in the winter. I want to admire the beauty of the Island in winter first hand…and up close and personal. I have to get in shape to do it!

So that is my goal.

I only hope next winter is as spectacular as this one has been.