Jacquelyn's Space

I am trying to push through all the bullshit and get some stuff done. It has been slow going–like inchworm pace. I felt better yesterday but didn’t get much done. I had too much running around to do and that makes me tired. I had to pick my husband up from work early so he can work on our taxes. Ugh. I had to take my oldest nephew to the doctor. Ugh. These were both fairly short and easy trips yet they kept me from planning my day the way I wanted to. I got some laundry done but dishes piled up again. Ugh. Then there was the drama of the bus. My youngest nephew was having a bad day and punched the bus window. Thankfully it did not break but he came home crying, wouldn’t come in the house, then the boys had me believing the window was broken. My nephew was upset and the bus driver told him he was getting kicked off the bus. He know he will have huge trouble if that happens. Again, thankfully, that did not happen…yet. The bus driver, being very nice and understanding (though upset), called me and put my mind at ease. Though she does not want that behavior to repeat itself. I talked t my nephew and he seemed pretty sorry. I made him write an apology note and today all was well.

Today I decided to go grocery shopping before work. I got it out of the way but since I was in the store too long, I didn’t get to have the breakfast I wanted. I had to hurry and put stuff away, eat, and then take a short shower. Ugh. I worked, which was it was a good day–short and sweet. I got home, got laundry started, dishes going, my counters and table wiped down. I got lots done early on but then I crashed. My back was hurting! I barely worked but my back hurt. Ugh. I think it is intestinal and urinary tract issues. It could have something to do with my obesity but I know a lot of it is I am having poopy problems. Ugh.

So I can’t get to the things that really matter to me–looking for a better job, and looking at options for school. I need to get a move on. Time’s a-wastin. I’m trying, I’m trying.

I was feeling down most of the day today. Worried about a few things. I need to get my ass moving. I did do a some exercising today. Got out the hand weights and worked on my arms. It made me feel a little better. I need to do that much more often. Yay! All my exercise books are in one place! Now I am overwhelmed. Which one do I use? LOL

So today I asked a regular customer, an older man, how he was…he was doing alright but didn’t really mean it. I said, “Yeah, it’s one of those days. I’m just hanging in there.” I don’t know exactly what I said but it wasn’t a good day and I let him know. He said, “Now you sound like me” and laughed. He went on to say his best days were behind him. I repeated what he said, kind of questioning…did he really mean that. Yep. He said, “your best days are behind you too.” Ugh! Really? Thanks dude. LOL

But really? I was hoping for some more “best days” or at least better than I have had in a while. I don’t really believe my best days are behind me. When did that happen? Childhood?  Sure, I’m not so young anymore but certainly, even in middle and old age, I still have some super awesome days ahead, perhaps even the best? I hope. I mean, am I so settled into this rut? Are my best days behind me?

Ho hum.

I have not been looking for a better job. I want a better job–or at least better pay. My job works for me right now except for the pay and it is low on prestige. I love my coworkers and many of my customers. I even like most of the work, and my work hours aren’t bad. I just need more money. I have a few ideas of where to look for a new job all I need to do is submit my resume. Then there is the problem of the boys. I can only work between the hours of 9am and 4pm, while they are in school. I guess if I find the right job I will take it and I’ll just have to make some kind of arrangement. I am more worried about the morning–getting them off to school and getting my husband to work. It will only be a few months til the boys get out of school. I think I am done at that point. I have to get on with my life.

I did take that CNA class but I still need to take the state test. I figure if I get that done by June that’ll be good. If I do the CNA work I can always work 3rd shift before the boys get out of school but I don’t think I really want to do that.

I have not been eating better. I have not been exercising regularly. I have lost about a pound a week–around 6 pounds in the last 4 weeks. Just think of what I can do if I start exercising and eating better!  I did buy a new bookcase and I moved all my exercising, stretching, and diet books (also recipe books) to one location–right next to the treadmill. So convenient. Just need to put all that stuff to use.

I have not been writing. Nope. Basically the same as last month. I have only been thinking about it. Coming up with ideas…jotting them down. That’s about it. I have been moving my books around. I have a lot of books on writing. Now they are mostly in one place. I need to delve into all those books again.

The only good thing I have not been doing is I have not been online shopping as much.Well I have looked at stuff but I have not bought anything in a couple of weeks. Amazon probably thinks I died. Ha ha. I have been trying to enjoy what I have–lots of books, games, coloring books, clothes! Clothes…Lots of stuff. Trying to organize it all.

Still thinking about school. What is my next move? Should I finish my Master’s in English. Is it worth it? Also, should go into nursing? Or should I just go into counseling, where my heart really is?

I have also been thinking about moving. That is a few years down the road yet. I need a decent way to make a living up north. I think that is why nursing is the way to go. My husband has also been thinking about what he would do, so that is good.

That’s where I am at. Nothing really moving all that quickly except for my mind. Ha…

Okay. I haven’t made much progress with on my NY’s resolutions. I have not been writing. I have only been thinking about writing. I have not even been reading, only planning on all the things I want to read…and buying, buying books.

I have not been exercising. I have only been thinking about exercising. The thoughts are there just not the will or the energy.

I haven’t necessarily been eating better but I haven’t been eating as much as I used to. Well, at times. I weighed myself a couple of weeks ago and since I found out I weighed less than I thought I started eating a lot of junk. Like some stupid thought got stuck in my head that I have to bulk up. I have noticed this before. Self-sabotage! But this week I haven’t been too bad. I just haven’t been good.

I have not looked for a new job yet. I have only thought about looking. I have thought about which direction I should go. I don’t have any answers. It makes me sad. And anxious. Very anxious. In fact, as I am writing in this I realize I am perseverating in the thoughts of a better job or career …the thoughts, I have to do this, this, and that but what should I do? What is the best direction? And I am really afraid I am too old for anything now. UGH! I need to stop.

I did take that CNA class and it was fun. I think I would enjoy the work if I was able to do it well, meaning that I am not overloaded with patients. I hear you are almost always overloaded with patients. I am going to try to do the job anyway–at least so I can get some clinical hours and I can get my class tuition back. I just need to take the state test. I suppose I don’t have to before I look for a job but I want to get the test out of the way first. I think. So I must go over my notes and practice.

Mostly I have just been focusing on the day to day–dishes and laundry, dishes and laundry, picking up–trying to keep up with my house (and not succeeding). And I’ve been shopping, lots of online shopping. This happens when I am anxious. Like I need to spend more money! But that’s how it goes. So between just trying to keep up with things and the anxiety, I have been very tired. Plus, I think I am on the verge of menopause. My cycles have not been right and this is really fucking my system up. Frustrating. Very frustrating.

And this is boring. Very boring.

She was warned.

She was given an explanation.

Nevertheless, 

she persisted.