Jacquelyn's Space

I had a vivid dream last night. Perhaps it was of a past life if you believe in that. It seemed like I lived it.

It was back in the mid 1800s. I could tell by the fashion. I was a young woman, around about 17 or 18, slim with dark (black?) hair. I had a younger sister, perhaps she was around 14 or 15. We also had a brother…I don’t know if he was older or younger but he seemed to be  teen too.

We lived in a manor house. It was winter for snow was on the ground.

The dream started with the drop of silk petals (on a book?) and talk of it being after Christmas. It supposedly was wedding season. There were several upcoming wedding celebrations we were to be part of. It seemed my sister and I talked of having nothing to wear. Or at least we were thinking of what to wear.

I wanted to raid some of my mother’s old things. They had been packed away. But when I went to look for them it seems my stepmother had already done so. She remade the clothes into more fashionable ensembles for herself. There may have been some baby bunting too.

Of course I was angry and complained to my sister. My mother’s old things should have been mine. I was her oldest child, or oldest daugher. Our brother, always the trying to be the voice of reason, said that perhaps our stepmother remade the clothes for us…or perhaps she didn’t realize we wanted mother’s things. I could not be consoled.

The dream was so real, as if I was living it. The colors were bright. The feelings felt real, as did the relationships. I love dreams like that.

We have a Mackinac Island trip planned for early May. I am not all that excited for it though. Early May is not my favorite time to go–it is too cool (usually) and all the flowers and greenery isn’t out yet. Plus, I really need to start my job search and find a new job. I feel like this trip will interfere. Of course, I may just be stalling. I am stalling. But I just don’t know how I am going to schedule my CNA practical around it, and I don’t want to start a new job before….I don’t know, perhaps it will all work out.

The trip was my husband’s idea this time around. We both love Mackinac but he is super excited because EMS Expo is on the Island this year. We are staying at Mission Point where Expo is being held. I suppose I will do a lot of hiking while he is in class. I have about a month to get in shape for it. Ha, or perhaps I will just be lazy and stay around the hotel…perhaps I will write while I’m there. I can do both, hike and write. And if I feel adventurous, maybe I will go horseback riding. I definitely want to bike around the island.

Okay, I am starting to get excited now.

I love PBS. They always have such great programs– I have learned so much and garnered so much entertainment from that channel. It makes me so angry that Dump and his cronies want to defund it.

Today I happened upon a program about poet and writer Paul Laurence Dunbar. He was a prolific African American writer in the late 1800s and early 1900s. I have never heard of him that I can remember. Maya Angelou found inspiration from him. Here is his poem “Sympathy”:

I know what the caged bird feels, alas!
When the sun is bright on the upland slopes;
When the wind stirs soft through the springing grass,
And the river flows like a stream of glass;
When the first bird sings and the first bud opes,
And the faint perfume from its chalice steals—
I know what the caged bird feels!

I know why the caged bird beats his wing
Till its blood is red on the cruel bars;
For he must fly back to his perch and cling
When he fain would be on the bough a-swing;
And a pain still throbs in the old, old scars
And they pulse again with a keener sting—
I know why he beats his wing!

I know why the caged bird sings, ah me,
When his wing is bruised and his bosom sore,—
When he beats his bars and he would be free;
It is not a carol of joy or glee,
But a prayer that he sends from his heart’s deep core,
But a plea, that upward to Heaven he flings—
I know why the caged bird sings!

~

Below is Maya Angelou reciting it. Makes me cry.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3wod3z_paul-laurence-dunbar-sympathy-maya-angelou_school

March 29. It was my niece’s birthday. She was born and died 6 years ago. Her birth pictures popped up on my Facebook. I almost cried but I couldn’t. I didn’t have time to stop and mourn. I had to work, I had the boys to deal with. I have the present, the now, and that’s about all I can handle at one time.

My brother, her father. It seems he has been home all week, or at least he has been staying at his house. So I look at his Facebook. He went to her grave that day. I get that. But why didn’t he come see his boys. He posts on FB, “Today my daughter would’ve been six, so I went and chilled with her – alone as usual . I miss you baby, I’ll see you again one day.” He didn’t have to go alone. He could have picked up his sons. He could have been with them but chose not to. This pisses me off. Perhaps I am being unreasonable, perhaps he didn’t have time. But he didn’t have to post what he did. It is like he is looking for people to feel sorry for him. He posted this in reply to a comment, “I can always do better and some people don’t think I am a good father.” Okay, so do better. Be with your boys when you can. Be in the present because they are the NOW as well as the future.

I guess it pisses me off because he attention seeking. I can understand needing to commiserate with people but I am not sure that is his motive in posting. Of course I am just a judgmental bitch. The one that takes care of his children while he is wallowing in self-pity or seeking validation from everyone who doesn’t really know the whole story.

I needed to write this somewhere. Just to get it out. This is the most convenient place for me. Maybe I shouldn’t because this blog is public but fuck it. Like I’ve said before, it is nice to have a log of my memories in online forums that are easy to access.

Of course today was a good day for my brother and I. He picked his boys up early and then stopped by as I finished writing this (above) to pick up their clothes. They are on spring break starting today. He is taking them up north to my mother’s. Today we actually got along though I am a bit disgruntled about a few things. I don’t know. It’s a difficult relationship. It’s never been easy between us.

Uh oh! I feel like shopping. I don’t need anything. Well, besides a new car, I don’t need anything. I just feel like shopping. Ugh. It is because I am anxious. I do want things but they are things that can’t be bought, like a better paying job and a better president (okay, I suppose they can be bought but I don’t have that kind of wealth); or they are going to take more time and I am impatient for them, such as moving up north. I suppose I should go do something like clean. Lots of purchases I have been making are all about cleaning and organizing my house. I always think of something else that would be helpful in that endeavor but I just need more room.

But then I’d like some new electronics too 🙂 I don’t need any but I want. Ugh. I suppose I should shop around for a new car. Just don’t want a car payment. Frustration station.

I was thinking about Tahquamenon Falls today. It was the sun that did it.

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