Jacquelyn's Space

My husband calls it my spidey sense. I just get this feelings about things that turn out to be correct. Sometime it is a little more than a feeling, a flash of the future, or
“something” deep inside speaks to me. It is hard to tell if it is just me, worrying, or the “something” that premonition voice. It is usually after the fact that I realize the VOICE has spoken–it wasn’t just me.

It happened this week past. I was on the road. I think it may have been Thursday when I was on the road to Wellbridge in Fenton, MI. I brushed it off, as I usually do. Now that I think of it more and place myself back into that moment, I think it was then that “something” spoke to me…

I had forgotten about it because I’ve been so busy with work and so exhausted.

I was thinking about my mom’s birthday, which was Saturday. I was thinking about sending a card. “Something” told me, “Something bad is going to happen on Saturday.” That is all I got. I dismissed it, thinking I was full of shit. The date was of no great significance that I could think of, not like 9-11 anyway. I dismissed it.

Then the shootings happened. I didn’t think about what “something” told me until today. And then, I think there was a clue.

I take Grange Hall Road to Fenton. Of Grange Hall there is a road called El Paso. Every time I pass by it and think that is an odd name for a rural road in Holly.

All I can do it just shake my head and tell myself I’m crazy.

But am I crazy for think I get some kind of signals…premonitions?

Or am I crazy for dismissing them?

Ugh. I’ve done nada. Well, I am eating less most of the time. I think I lost a few pounds but nothing earth shattering. I have less energy now than when I wrote out my goals. I’ve been working as much as I can but that’s about it. The Cymbalta medication has not helped me. I guess it was supposed to energize me. It hasn’t. So now they are trying me on a lower dose of Cymbalta plus Wellbutrin. Yay. I haven’t started yet because I am not all that excited about it. I have been having crazy dreams lately–not sure what medication is doing that (seems to happen when I take an Ibuprofen 800 before bed) but I think Wellbutrin causes vivid dreams too. And my doctor wants to do a sleep study to see if I have sleep apnea. Ugh. Fun. I don’t think I have sleep apnea, I just have some nerve and pain issues (hips and knees, primarily) that wake me up. Not to mention a needy kitty that jumps on us in the night and tries to wake us up too early in the morning.

So yeah, just been working…I love my job, hate the pay. I really need to get serious about finding a better job and put my degrees to work. I need a job with better pay and better benefits (for me and my husband).  All these damn health problems cost money. I don’t have the coverage for all these issues. The only thing I am happy about regarding my health insurance is my prescription coverage.

I keep keeping on though. I’ll keep working at it.

Get in better physical shape

Get healthy

Eat healthier, eat less

Lose weight

Finish my Master’s

Find a better paying job

Write more

Work on selling some short stories

Work on freelance writing

Yeah, I haven’t been here in a while. Yeah, I’m going to write the same old shit. I need to start writing more. I need the practice and I need to get into the habit. I want to do some freelance work to make some extra money. I need to make more money and I’d rather make money doing something I love and am interested in rather than take a job I hate. I love my current job–never been happier in a job, really–but I don’t make enough. Plus, I am too out of shape to do anything that requires me to stand on my feet for long periods of time so that rules out many kinds of work. So I’d like to sell some stories or articles if I could only find my niche.

That’s where I am at right now.

The only other work I can think of doing, that would utilize the degrees I hold right now and would offer good benefits and pay, would be really depressing and stressful. I am not sure I am up for it. I am going to apply for the work, for the job, but if I get it, it will be a major adjustment. I will really have to take care of myself, mentally…well, physically too. Yeah, I can use some work on both now…but the job I am thinking of applying for will be TOUGH. Many people who do it get burned out quick. I need a job, or a career, rather, that is going to last some years.

I have to get my ass in gear. As always, there is plenty of work to be done and I feel like I am running near empty most of the time, and running to catch up. Agh! Life!

Someone posted on Facebook, “It’s okay to grieve for the person you could’ve been without your illness.” That hit home with me today. Lately I’ve been thinking about all the time I’ve wasted being sick and depressed. I wanted to be so much further along at this point in my life. I am nowhere near where I want to be…where I’d thought I’d be. And why? Is it because of my illnesses?

I do grieve, yes I do. “I do grieve…but it wears me out and I am still trying to BE…something. I need all my energy for that.” That was my comment to that post. On one hand I feel like I’m okay because I’m a fighter. And I’ve accepted the fact that I am a late-bloomer. Yet, on the other hand, I feel like a fraud. I mean, what are my illnesses? Yes, depression is an illness but it does make you feel so awful about yourself…

And then there is the Chronic Fatigue and fibromyalgia. Those for sure make you feel like a fraud because they aren’t visible, they are hard to treat, and many doctors don’t recognize them as true illnesses. It is difficult. It isn’t like I’ve had cancer or MS (God forbid). And not that I’d rather…but why is it so difficult for me? Why? Why me? I suppose I get irritated with myself because I feel sorry for myself. Then that feeds into the depression. I am caught in a vicious cycle I continuously try to fight my way out of. For the most part, anyway. Sometimes I don’t try all that hard–I just don’t have the energy or motivation. Other times I do try. The constant battling does wear me down though.

I am dealing with today especially because I went to the doctor. It has been a rough semester, I’ve been dragging ass, and for more than 2 weeks now I’ve been fighting a cold (and an infection?). My PA is putting me on the anti-depressant Cymbalta. She says it is really good for fibromyalgia. I hope it helps. I need a miracle drug. I am all too ready to go back on an anti-depressant. I put it off this long because I wanted to get pregnant. That hasn’t happened so it is time to move on. Well, the PA says it is safe if I still want to try…not that it will happen now. I actually think I am starting menopause anyway.

Life is hard. Much tougher than expected. Ha. Never tell my parents I said that.

I keep thinking about all the things I could have done differently. If only I wouldn’t have done this, if only I’d have done that…I don’t know. There are some big boo-boos I made…yet I wish I’d have taken more risks. But whatever, I need to quit thinking that way because it is too late now. I do try to think off all that I have to be thankful for. The things I can build on.

I am thankful for:

That I am a fighter…even when I give up, I never really give up.

My husband…at least I was lucky in love.

My parents…at least they are still around.

My cat…my loving Kitty. She is my real baby, LOL.

My home…I have a warm place to go filled with all my treasures. I have the library I always wanted, and now, thanks to technology, I have a portable library too!

My job…the pay isn’t the greatest–though it is better than what I was making previously–but I am glad to have a job that I love, one where I am helping people, making a difference. And it is not all go, go, go all the time–I can read or even nap a little.

My education…I am almost done with my masters and I have a lead on a couple of teaching jobs–one that will hire instructors without teaching experience.

My good genes…ha ha! Well, I have depression and chronic illness but at least I look 10-20 years younger than I am. So many people have told me they thought I was only in my 20s or 30s. So many people can’t be lying or wrong, can they?

****Now if I can only feel like I am a twenty-something, physically…I got the mental (mentality) part covered.****

My sense of humor, my silliness, my baby doll Kendra Rose (my faux kid, LOL)…those all keep me sane.

My tenacity…I will keep on keepin’ on, or die trying.