Jacquelyn's Space

I had a shitty week last week. Started off the week with chest pains. I get a pain on my left upper chest because of anxiety but I didn’t think I was anxious. I took it easy Sunday and still had pain on Monday. The pains were a little different, moved lower than normal, so I got worried. I also had pains in my shoulder (which isn’t too unusual for me) and pain down my arm. Plus I had shortness of breath at times, worse on Monday. I told my boss about it and she said to have our clinic do an EKG. By the time I got back to the clinic for an EKG the pain had subsided but I thought what the hell, I should just have it done to be safe. One of the nurses (boss) in the clinic came in while they did the EKG and she wasn’t happy because she told the staff I could still be having a heart attack (elevated troponin) but not have anything show on an EKG. Well, true but I thought if my EKG was normal or abnormal I’d know a little more if I had to worry or not. Foolish me. I would hate to go to the ER for anxiety! And I wasn’t feeling anxious about anything…or so I thought. My EKG, according to the nurse practitioner, came back abnormal. She said I septal t-wave inversion and that I should go to the ER. UGH. So I went. They did an EKG–looked the same as the one I had done at work–they did bloodwork, and a chest x-ray. The ER was relatively sane when I got there, looked kind of slow, but steadily got busier as I had my tests and waited results. I guess I wasn’t there too long–I think I was in and out within 2/2.5 hours–but I finally got to see a doctor. He said my EKG was normal, which I didn’t catch at first because he was so quick and dismissive of it, and he said my troponin levels were 0 and did not indicate I was having or had a heart attack. He said he would urge me to follow up with a cardiologist because I had several risk factors but no reason to admit me to the hospital. I asked about the EKG, what would cause it to show abnormal and he said it was “people reading it” so meaning that it was read incorrectly. SIGH! A trip to the ER for nothing and I wasted everyone’s time. Plus I left work early and missed out on overtime. I wasn’t (I’m not) sure if I should trust the doctor but I am glad I didn’t have to be admitted to the hospital and that my troponin levels were normal. I still had chest pain off and on–and funny little pains too– for a few days after. I will follow up with the cardiologist they recommended but I have some things I can work on before I go. Truthfully, I’ve been feeling like shit for a long time and I think some it may be due to my asthma (diagnosed last year) but a lot of it has to do with my big belly. Also, I think the weather may be playing into my chest pain. I know it sounds silly but because this weather has been changing and the barometric pressure has been all over the place, it has been making me feel like shit. My chest pain on Monday was relieved once it started snowing that the barometric pressure stabilized or started going down.

My friend messaged me via Facebook Wednesday night. Her dad passed away suddenly, at home. This is upsetting. I’ve know her and her dad 40+ years. I haven’t seen them in recent years because of the pandemic and, well, life. She and her family live about 70-80 miles south of me and though that is not a huge distance, it is enough with our busy lives, to keep up apart. I remember her dad as a good guy. He loved his girls (3 daughters) and he was silly. He loved to watch Kung Fu movies late at night. He would always tease me about my name, he’d say, “Jackie Say! Jackie say what??” He had a beer belly that made him look pregnant so in retaliation of his twitting me about my name I’d ask when his baby was due. I remember he drove me back to my hotel after my friend’s wedding because I had too much to drink. I was down in the dumps by that point because of the alcohol and he was sweet to me. It is just so sad that he died suddenly and his family had no warning. It is difficult to deal with. No chance to say goodbye. He was 74, which seems young to me now. I know it isn’t but…IDK.

So that death and my health scare, it made me think of all the participants at work that we have lost. It was just a sad week. I was driving and crying on Thursday and Friday.

Today I am happily working on my Family Tree. It is not what I should be doing or exactly what I want to be doing but it does bring me joy, my ancestors bring me joy, especially when I break through a brick wall, which I did early this morning. So I am hoping for a better week.

I’ve been trying to get out more. That is easy to do because there is always so much going on. My husband and I have been to 2 free concerts at the Flint Institute of Music. I have already written about one. The other free concert we attended was in March. It was a duo of performers: an accordion player and a guitar player. I think the concert was titled “Music of the Night.”

“Flint School of Performing Arts – Faculty Concert featuring Dr. Quincy Dobbs and Steven Prevett. This was on Friday, March 18th.

Steven Prevett, classical guitar, and Dr. Quincy Dobbs, accordion, explore nocturnes and incidental music for this exciting and unexpected instrumental combination.”

https://www.facebook.com/flintinstituteofmusic/videos/3035291003398377

It was a short concert but the music was lovely and interesting. I don’t think I have ever seen an accordion performance. I wish I would have written about the concert that evening because the music brought up some feelings but I was too tired. We had a busy weekend. My husband and I went out to eat at the 501 Bar and Grill in Flint afterwards and had a nice dinner. The next night, a Saturday, we went to The Cadieux Cafe in Detroit to listen to Jim McCarty play. It was his CD release party. Then on Sunday we went over to my stepson’s new place (he and his girlfriend are renting a house in Corunna) for a birthday party for his girlfriend’s twin daughters. That was a lot of activity all in one weekend for me. I wanted to write in my blog and in my diary but failed to do it because I have been wiped out ever since. My energy is at a low ebb right now. Plus I am still trying to get my house in order. It is slow going. I find I cannot have a life, work, and keep house. It is too much!

My husband and I also attended a performance of Pride and Prejudice (by Jane Austen and Kate Hamill) at the UM-Flint Theatre. This was on Friday, March 25. It was interesting. I wasn’t sure if I’d like the adaptation at first… it did take a little whole for me to determine if I did like but overall I did. Again, I wish I would have written about the play the night I saw it but I was too fatigued. I can only share a write of it from Google books:

“This isn’t your grandmother’s Austen! Bold, surprising, boisterous, and timely, this P&P for a new era explores the absurdities and thrills of finding your perfect (or imperfect) match in life. The outspoken Lizzy Bennet is determined to never marry, despite mounting pressure from society. But can she resist love, especially when that vaguely handsome, mildly amusing, and impossibly aggravating Mr. Darcy keeps popping up at every turn?! Literature’s greatest tale of latent love has never felt so theatrical, or so full of life than it does in this effervescent adaptation. Because what turns us into greater fools…than the high-stakes game of love?” https://books.google.com/books/about/Pride_and_Prejudice.html?id=1L59DwAAQBAJ&source=kp_book_description

It was just good to get out and see a play again. I want to do more of it. I just wish it didn’t wipe me out so. But this play has inspired me to get cracking on some of the stuff I want to write based on JA’s works and I am currently rereading The Annotated Pride and Prejudice by Austen and David M. Shapard. Shapard’s annotated editions are the best!

The first weekend in April I had the shopping trip from HELL on a Saturday. I had to take a participant (for work) shopping. We were in Walmart almost 4 hours. I won’t bore with the details but it was absolutely painful and absolutely wiped me out though I was able to rally and go out to dinner with my husband, my sister-in-law Cece (she was in town from Nebraska), her sister-in-law and brother-in-law, Chris and Randy, and our other brother-in-law, Bill eventually showed up. We had fun, we went to a local place in Swartz Creek and laughed it up. I got a huge tropical drink in a pail, haha. I needed it!

Cece was in town for our niece Erika’s wedding shower. This was on Sunday, April 3. I did not know what to expect because I am not fond of my ex sister-in-law Candy (Erika’s mother) and we thought our banished sister (my sister-in-law) Carmel–she was a drug addict, thus banished from the family–might make an appearance. She did not. I suppose I had an inkling the shower was going to be fancy because it was at held at the Signature Chop House in Flushing. It was fancy and boozy. The venue is very beautiful–more of a wedding venue. The shower was nice, the food was good but not spectacular. The best part, besides the company, were the drinks and the sweets. There were free mimosas and bloody Mary’s. First time I have tried either of those 2 drinks. I had 2 of each! Ha! They were quite good. I also loved the cupcakes, the chocolate covered pretzels and chocolate covered strawberries. It was good to see family. My nephew Calvin’s wife came to the shower (I love her!) and she brought their daughter, who is so adorable. My niece Erika’s wedding is in June and will be up north, near where my dad lives. I think the wedding will be a fun time.

My husband and I went to the symphony again last weekend. This time we went to dinner first and we weren’t late for the performance either so no incident in trying to get to our seats. Of course the performance was beautiful, but alas it was too short. I would like to go to the symphony next month and there is another free concert at the Flint Institute of Music–a jazz concert–I’d like to attend.

Damn. As I wrote this I realize I have been going out every weekend! I am a social butterfly!

So I have been getting out and doing things. I guess my next challenge to myself is to go downstate to visit my old friends. I find that I miss them quite a bit lately though I am a bit peeved at them that they can’t ever seem to find their way up to me. Of course I suck at calling them where they were always ones to make a phone call to me, in the past. I know we are all busy with our families and with work.

This weekend I have stayed home. I have a long weekend and I refused to work this Saturday so it has been nice just to chill out at home. I really wanted to get some organizing done around home but again, my energy level is shit. I have done a little bit though. I shall persevere.

I am so excited! UM-Flint theatre is performing the play Pride and Prejudice! I found out when I went to buy symphony tickets so I bought theatre tickets too! I hope it is good. I haven’t been to a play in ages and never a one based on a Jane Austen novel. I read that the play is 2 hours long–too short to really do the novel justice but hey, it should be interesting. I can’t be late for the play though!! I want to get a good seat. Now me and my husband have lots of events to attend…I hope I am not overdoing it.

Have I told you that Flint has an awesome cultural center? Probably not lately, though I know I have written about it in the past. My husband and I went to a free faculty concert in February at MacArthur Recital Hall at the Flint Institute of Music. It was awesome. It was Brazilian music featuring:

“KYLE CANJAR GUITAR, WITH CANJA DE BOA

Prepare for an eclectic night of music with FSPA Guitar Instructor Kyle Canjar, as he performs solo guitar works from the Baroque, Classical, and Modern eras, and is joined by his Brazilian Jazz ensemble Canja de Boa.” from Facebook, FIM

I liked going, getting out, and learning about different music. I still remember the concert me, my hubby, and stepson went to 11 years ago (February 18, 2011, same date as the above concert) where a saxophonist played Argentinian jazz and an artist painted on stage while the music played. It was awesome, the music and the painting.

This concert was nice but short. I enjoyed the music but didn’t get a program so I am not sure what songs were performed. The singer of Canja de Boa was beautiful and I loved both her dress and her voice. I was jealous of her nice toned, muscular arms. The concert had the dual affect of making me want to take voice lessons again and start working out in earnest, especially working on my arms.

That concert inspired me to buy Flint Symphony Orchestra tickets. Well, there are a lot of events, both music and theatre events, to choose from. I do miss going to the theatre too. I used to do a lot of that when I was in drama class in high school and then that interest fell by the wayside until college, then again disappeared the more I had to deal with real life issues that sap all my energy. It is sad really and I miss that part of me. I need to really tend to that part of me more. I miss performing in both music and theatre and going to performances inspire me.

My husband and I attended the symphony last night at The Whiting. I had an incident where, because we were in a hurry to get to our seats, I got out of breath because I am so out of shape, plus I have asthma. I pushed myself to walk fast, take stairs but then really overdid it when the usher lead us to the wrong seat, and I had to hurry back up stairs again to get to our seats on the other side of the auditorium when I really needed to sit down. I may have made a little scene because I had to SIT! I had to catch my breath! That kind of put a damper on the evening. I did catch my breath but we missed the Maestro’s opening and had to walk in to the symphony playing the Ukrainian national anthem, an emotional tribute but all I could think about was my little episode. We also didn’t make it to our proper seats since the performance had started and the seats we were in offered a view of only half the stage. The music was good–they played Smetana’s The Moldau (which I love) and then Vivaldi’s Four Seasons, and some music I hadn’t heard, Ginastera, Estancia: Three Dances–but again the concert was short.

I want to go again. There is another free concert at the FIM next Friday. I would like to go and I am determined to go to the symphony next month too. They are playing a Tchaikovsky symphony, though not my favorite. It should be good regardless. Flint is blessed with many talented musicians and a lovely orchestra.

I’ve been blessed with beautiful hair, or so people tell me. I was crabby today but my hair got me through, lol, or at least it made me stop and count my blessings. I don’t know why I was so crabby. Little annoying things at work, the weather, and just being overtired, probably. I’ve been fairly glued to the news, crying over what’s happening in Ukraine so that doesn’t help any.

I was at work, on my bus, working on some training we have to watch every year–BORING. My boss comes out and compliments me on my hair. She was like, “AH! I just love it! Look at that! Your hair is so beautiful.” I didn’t do anything to it. I had washed it the night before and threw it up in a bun with a hair tie as I usually do. I let it down in the morning to put up in again, in a more ordered fashion because I had slept on it (to capture any stray hair that had escaped) but I never did end up putting it back up. I thought I’d let it flow free. I guess I made the right decision even though the weather called for a case of the frizzies.

I was getting lunch and was super annoyed because McDonald’s was being slow and stupid. I hate eating there but I had a good coupon and a crap-ton of points plus want to quit spending money on food so there I was (and this particular McDonald’s will give you a free large ice water). I noticed this little-ish girl (probably around 11 years old) watching me as she was sitting in the dining room. To be honest, it kind of annoyed me more, to be watched while I was annoyed with McDonald’s and their lack of customer service. As I was standing, waiting for my order, the girl walks up to me and is waiting too. I give her a half smile, and she is looking at me, kind of really interested in what I was doing. Then she says, “I like your hair, it’s pretty.” So that made me feel pretty good and less annoyed–well, made me think I need to check my annoyance over stupid stuff. Sometimes you just can’t help it though. She had hair that kind of curled too so maybe she needed someone to bond with over curly hair. I told her I liked her hair too.

Then I was delivering meds to a participant and she let me into her apartment and started oooohing and aaaaahing over my hair. She called me beautiful, then accused me of having make-up on. Ha! I’ll be damned if I can get up early enough to put on make-up for work! I value sleep above looking pretty. LOL But she made me feel good.

Maybe I should try a little bit more. I just lack energy for make-up and hair care. Maybe, once I get some other things in my life situated to where I want them, I will spend more time on my appearance. I just wanted to write about the day to remember the beautiful compliments I received.

50 is the new 30, right? That’s what I was optimistically thinking yesterday. I wish!! If only I could find some magic way to feel more energetic I might be able to fool myself into thinking I was 20 years younger. Chronic fatigue has been kicking my butt lately…a lot longer than lately. Perhaps for the past year or more. I don’t know what to do about it. I am sick of waiting it out, hoping I will hit an upswing. Because, I am indeed, 50 years old, I feel like I have nowhere to go but down. Where is the miracle drug for more energy? Where is the cure for chronic fatigue?

I want all the things!