Jacquelyn's Space

Another good email, also to my husband’s ex-wife. I can’t remember if I sent it or just published it on my blog. I hope I sent it, it’s a great letter.

“OK, you brought me into this so now you are going to hear from me.

First I am going to address your insinuation that I wrote emails to you that were from Chuck. First, I am not buying that you based that assumption from something Jordan said. It is nice of you to implicate Jordan in this mess but I do believe you assumed I wrote the emails, and not because of anything Jordan told you. I am not even buying the fact that this was all part of something you were trying to teach us in regards to making assumptions. I assume otherwise, as is my right. You may have wanted to prove a point but you are way off the mark here. For one thing, how many unfounded assumptions have you had concerning me and Chuck that you have told Jordan about, and Lord knows who else? Second, why involve me in this mess if you don’t care about what I think (that includes my assumptions), and as I was not mentioned in Chuck’s initial emails, nor have I spoken or written (recently) on the matters at hand.

If I have something to say to you, you know I seldom hesitate to make my feelings known and own up to them. When all this started I was finishing up my semester of 16 credit hours and in the middle of working on 3 huge papers and a presentation, so needless to say I didn’t have time for your games let alone to read through your contradictory emails. I did not know Chuck even sent the first email and when Chuck did apprise me of what was going on my advice to him was to not bother emailing you back. My advice was to just go ahead and file the vacation papers (if that is what he felt was best), file a complaint with FOC about you not getting back to him in a timely manner, and push for mediation over the whole issue about Jordan’s activities getting in the way of parenting time. I did not realize Christmas was or would become an issue as it is spelled out in the parenting time agreement and set up according to guidelines that YOU wanted.

As for you thinking Chuck is somehow controlled by me there is this; Chuck and I have been together for almost 10 years and we have been through a lot of stuff together. If it seems like we think alike, or write alike it is because we have a close relationship and a strong bond. I am sure we both influence each other. I am sorry that apparently bothers you but that is what happens in a relationship where there is good communication. So to recap the previous paragraph: in this instance Chuck did not solicit my advice concerning the first email; I did not even know about it until after he sent it. He did not follow my advice (as is his choice and right, after all it is about his son which is principally his concern). As for the second email (and all the following emails between you and him), I did read it, I told him that I didn’t think you were angry in your email (initially anyway, now I begin to feel otherwise), that he should change that part of it if he sent it. However, I was angry about your cavalier attitude in responding to Chuck and his concerns – you can take months to get back to him simply because you are ‘annoyed’ where if Chuck tried to pull that he would be called and yelled at and belittled (or at least called multiple times until you got an answer). I then told him he should not bother emailing you – just file the vacation papers, file a complaint, and try to go to mediation again. Chuck, nice guy that he is wanted listen to your point of view and work things out. So he talked to you on the phone, and was willing to work with you on getting Jordan to both his family functions on Saturday – ON HIS TIME. You being who you are just had to get that little extra dig in – do you think that did Jordan any good?

As for Christmas, that should not have been an issue. To use your own words, “Stop trying to create drama where there is none.” We never had an issue with you having Jordan on Christmas as it was your year to have him. Again, the Christmas vacation is divided up according to guidelines you wanted. I am sorry that you did not get it right on the calendar, and that you planned your holiday according to your incorrect assumptions, but that is neither Chuck’s nor my problem. I thought as Chuck did, that the calendar was just made to inform us of Jordan’s band activities. We did not look at the calendar past November (as it was not all inclusive of Jordan’s activities), and stopped using it when Jordan broke his collar bone. Any calendar exchanged should just be looked at as a helpful tool of communication, not as a binding agreement. It was you that assumed otherwise and flew off the handle when Chuck first starting utilizing a calendar to inform you of when we wanted our summer vacations with Jordan.

To me this whole contretemps before Christmas is a big mess, full of misunderstandings, and you just being mean for the sake of pure meanness. What is your problem? Are you bored, dissatisfied with life, or do just need to raise a ruckus once in a while to feel whole? Please let me know, I don’t want to make assumptions but “I am however trying to better understand you and your viewpoint” and really all you give me to go on most of the time is bad behavior. What am I to make of it? Put yourself in my – or better yet Chuck’s shoes (don’t bother trying to understand my view point, you will never be able to) and then think back on this last incident and all the ones prior – going back years. If you have a decent memory and are honest with yourself (HAHA big laugh) you might begin to see why we feel the way we do.

“I am tired of both you and Jackie assuming you know me or anything about my life and from this point on could really care less if you get it or not.” Now I am going to address this statement. First of all, you are making a few assumptions there yourself. Chuck or I never intimated we know you or about your life now, or that we even care. It is you that shares extraneous things about your life with Chuck on the phone, is it not? Chuck could care less. The only thing Chuck and I are and have ever been concerned with is your treatment of us, and what you say to or the ways you involve Jordan in parenting matters and disputes. That is all. We could care less about you or your life otherwise. You do not know everything we think about you, so it seems to me you are assuming that everything we think about you is very bad. Whatever would have given you that idea?

That brings me to my next point, again started off with your own words. “As far as working with you I have been going out of my way, not that you have even noticed or given me credit for it for the last year in an effort to make things more amicable” Oh we noticed. You just assumed we did not notice because we have not fawned over you because of it. So what do you want – a cookie, a gold star? Do you really think you deserve one for doing (for a few months) what you should have been doing all along? Does Chuck ever get any gold stars or credit that he has bent over backwards trying to make things work with you, for Jordan’s sake? OK, I am fresh out of gold stars but I will give you one as soon as I have it. I will give 2 gold stars to Chuck for having to deal with you and 3 gold stars to Jordan for having to live with you.

Do you really expect us to be appreciative of your improved behavior towards us, especially when it does not last? I hate to say it is a ‘little too little too late’ but I feel that somewhat. We assumed that you would revert back and at some point disrespect and insult us. I guess we assumed correctly on that. The way we have been treated in the past, and again right before Christmas proves that this is the way things will always be with you. We cannot trust you, we cannot trust to be treated with fairness, kindness and respect from you. “As far as working with you I have been going out of my way, not that you have even noticed or given me credit for it, for the last year in an effort to make things more amicable. I will continue to do so.” That is good and it will certainly make dealings easier but Chuck and I cannot assume this will continue, simply because you state it or tried to work on it for a few months. I am sure we would certainly appreciate you trying though. Would it make you feel any better if we instituted a reward program? How would you like to be rewarded, and how often? As for me, I will need to see it in action for a long time, without a relapse before I could ever begin to trust you. Believe me when I say that I would like to trust you and it would be great if everyone who cares about Jordan had good relationships with each other. Never assume I (or Chuck) do not appreciate it, even if I am silent on the matter. Also, even if I do not appreciate it, I am sure Jordan does. If all else fails do it for you – doesn’t feel good inside to be nice? At the very least you can brag to anyone who will listen about how good you are and it may not be a lie.

“I cannot control how you perceive things” Now here is a statement of yours that I can agree with. You are right, you cannot control how Chuck or I perceive things which includes how we perceive your behavior, your treatment of us, your way of involving Jordan in disputes that he should not be involved in, and your way of parenting. So why does it seem to me that this last episode was just a way of you trying to manipulate or control us? Chuck and I are going to think what we think no matter how you try to tell us to think or not think, no matter how much you try to implicate Jordan in your games and lies or try to make us believe that Jordan lies about everything.

“We would probably get along better if you would stop accusing me of things that don’t exist” What exactly has Chuck (or I) accused you of?

Oh, and by the way, I write above the level of a college junior and have been for a long time now. If you want to get down to the nitty gritty, according to my Lit professor I am writing graduate level stuff. Besides, I find it interesting that you would know that I am a junior in college I don’t go around announcing that fact, and I don’t think Jordan and I ever had the conversation, nor does Jordan particularly care where I am at in my college education.

Here’s a lesson for you – Don’t try to define someone by their level of education, their job, how much money they make, or their relationship(s) – past or present.”

Ha! I was going through some old emails. I don’t know why exactly…wait, yes I do. Lately I have been thinking about the 2 memoirs I want to write so I suppose that is what prompted me to go through some of my old stuff. I came across an old email I sent my husband’s ex-wife. She had a fucking fit because my husband (then fiancé) handed her a calendar of when we wanted Jordan the summer we got married. She called my fiancé up on the phone and yelled at him. If she ever wonders why I said the things I said and wrote the things I wrote, well that’s it in a nutshell. She felt it was ok to call Chuck to yell at him, or go to his work to yell at him; she treated him horribly. I guess I felt she needed a taste of what she was dishing out. She is just lucky I never called her or went to her workplace to yell at her. Here is the email I sent her back in 2007:

“I just wanted to write you about my feelings since we don’t speak, and to tell the truth I am so angry right now I don’t think I could speak in a civil manner to you. Not to mention the fact that from my experiences with you, I have gathered that you are an unreasonable person – you do not want to hear what someone has to say unless they are in agreement with you. Well, sorry but I have to get this out and we all need to make a change.

I want to know what is your problem? Why do you always have to treat Chuck so discourteously? What has he ever done to you? Has he been a deadbeat father? Has he treated you with disrespect? Did he cheat on you when you two were married? From what I know you were the one that disrespected him and cheated on him. Did he beat you? (and don’t tell me he was abusive to you, that is laughable, he wouldn’t hurt a fly)So what is it? What has he done that he deserves such treatment from you? To be called and yelled at because he gave you a schedule of the days we wanted with Jordan this summer. Isn’t that what you wanted? You can’t seriously expect us to consult you about when we schedule our wedding and vacations. Have you ever consulted Chuck about when you take a vacation with Jordan, etc? No, I don’t think you ever have. You hardly ever consult with Chuck about anything concerning Jordan unless you want money. To me, your attitude seems to be ‘I make all decisions concerning Jordan, just give me money’. It should not work that way, Jordan has two parents, and I am not talking about you and his step-father. I am talking about you and Chuck. If you want to sit down and talk things over with Chuck that is great, but you need to be willing to listen and compromise not just cram what you want down Chuck’s throat.

You had the nerve to tell him you never yell at him. What? I have been sitting next to him many, many times when you have called him to bitch him out about anything under the sun. I have heard you yelling over the phone, even after I left the room so I would not get upset. Not to mention the times you have come up to his work to bitch him out. I am not his only witness either, other people at DVA have witnessed it and told me about it after the fact. So I want to know why. I mean, you left him, right? Why do you act like he is the one that did you wrong? Did you think he was going to fall off the face of the earth after you divorced him? Is that his sin, that he didn’t fall off the earth? He has moved on with his life and has tried to do what is best for Jordan. Why can’t you get over it? He is not going to disappear from Jordan’s life because it threatens you that he is still in Jordan’s life (and me too). You have to deal with it in a better way than calling Chuck up and yelling because something is not going right in your life at the time. Grow up and get some counseling so you can learn to deal with your anger in a constructive way.

Ok, another question since you seem to think that Chuck has not thought about you and your family. Has there ever been a time when Chuck has not been accommodating to changes you wanted in his parenting time? He has always been willing to trade week-ends with you or let you have Jordan (on his week-end)for family functions. Also, Jordan is with your family (and you to) most Sundays. Even on a Fathers Day week-end one year, he let you take Jordan out of town after you put him on the spot when you asked. Or what about this past Christmas? After you fussed about dividing up the holidays so Jordan wouldn’t be back and forth over the holidays you wanted to change things to accommodate your family functions. Chuck has always been more than willing to change things around when you ask, for Jordan’s sake. Has he received the same courtesy from you? No, he has not. The times you have been decent and accommodating gets thrown up in his face but for the most part (oh yeah and the time you admitted to him that you had been petty in the past about stuff but he shouldn’t be the same way – no apology from you, that was rich)he has been treated with a disrespectful attitude ‘how dare you even ask’, yelled at, insulted, and then you started putting Jordan in the middle of these disputes. You try to manipulate Jordan into doing what you want, if that doesn’t work you throw a fit. I would venture to guess that you have told Jordan numerous lies about Chuck and I or at the very least tried to make Jordan feel bad for wanting to spend time with us.

I am not trying to insult you in writing this letter but I am trying to get you to think about your past actions and then think about what we can do to make the future better. Jordan deserves parents who can communicate without yelling at each other. The only yelling I ever hear starts with you. It needs to stop. I am not going to let you treat Chuck like that. Chuck and I are going to be married. You are not going to yell at my husband. Does Chuck ever call you and start yelling? No, he does not. How would you feel if some woman called your husband and started yelling at him? I don’t think you would put up with it. You will treat Chuck with respect. If you are angry with him, either count to 50 and get over it or write him an email. There is no need to call him. Jordan does not need to hear your crap, and Chuck and I don’t need to hear from you if you can’t talk in a normal, rational tone. Is this asking for too much?

Here are some other things I have been thinking about that I think you need to know. First of all, I am not going anywhere. I am a part of your son’s life and will continue to be. Chuck and I will be married in a month. We are a team and I do and will continue to have input in things concerning your son, our family and what goes on in our home, and transportation. I will be at school functions. No need to look all bent out of shape about it all the time because it is not going to change. Know this though, I realize that I am not Jordan’s mom and I do not want to be. He has a mother. I do care about Jordan and I do want what is best for him. Just realize that what Chuck and I think is best for Jordan is not always what you think is best for Jordan. This is not a bad thing but we do need to be able to deal with it in a mature manner, without yelling, lies and manipulations. I hate being lied to and cannot have any respect for you until you can learn to deal with Chuck and I in a truthful and mature manner. Second, we need to be able to communicate as well. I think the better we (you and I and well as you and Chuck) get along the better it will be for Jordan. Do you really want to go on hating Chuck and I for the rest of your life? It is not healthy, and do you really want this bad attitude of yours to rub off on your grandchildren?

Don’t you think it is best for Jordan that we all get along? What needs to be done for this to happen? If you want to talk to Chuck you need to be willing to listen as well. You need to control your anger. Chuck is not a doormat for you to walk all over and wipe your feet on. What I want is for Jordan to have both his parents input in his upbringing, as well as input from his step-parents. I want Jordan to have a good relationship with his father and his fathers family without interference from a jealous mother. I want Jordan to see both sets of parents behaving in a mature, respectful manner. This should not mean that one parent has to be a doormat for the other. Does all this make sense?

In a nutshell this is what I expect,

You do not call Chuck or go to his workplace and yell at him. If you are angry or have a problem with him, email him or wait until you can control yourself and then call Chuck to set up a meeting.

If you have a problem with me, please address that problem to me. Feel free to email me.

You and Chuck both need to set some ground rules about how you want to communicate to each other concerning schedules, school functions, school issues, anything concerning Jordan. Set the rules and then you and Dan as well as Chuck and I need to follow them. Just know that it works both ways. If Jordan handing you a calender about when we wanted him in the summer was that much a problem with you, what is going to work in the future?

We want to be informed about things in Jordan’s life. Do not try to push us out as you have done in the past.”

I feel I was quite civilized and to the point.

Where to begin? I really do not know. So many things to write about and, as usual, so little time and energy. There were so many funny things I wanted to write about since I last wrote a post in May but I have been so tired. Plus I had a few professional compliments to write about, which I always like to make note of so I can remember all that I have done and am capable of– just too damn tired. Now that has all been pushed aside, kind of blown out of the water of memory but a bunch of family drama that has going on since the middle of February. UGH. And I am still tired. More to come.

I meant to write about this sooner but I didn’t. I have been so tired, of course. My nephews Ken and Alex, the two oldest, stopped by the night I saw Alex and Brent riding bikes on my way home from work. It was around 9 and our doorbell rang. It was them. I was surprised to see them. They were coming back from a friends house. Alex asked about me being in the hospital. They gave me their new phone numbers–thank goodness their dad got himself and them some phones. I ended up driving the boys and their bikes home. They asked if I wanted to say hi to their dad. TBH, I didn’t, really. I just wanted to get back home, to relax (the previous week was shitty), plus I was in my nightgown. My brother came out to me. I had to listen to 15-20 minutes of his complaining about our parents and his childhood. Granted, he does have some valid complaints but it is over now, it is in the past and there is nothing to do but to move forward. This made me very sad and I cried on the way home. I wanted to write about it either here or in my diary but I didn’t–that emotional stuff and looking back wears me out and it takes a while for me to recover from it.

One of my favorite people to transport died. He had been fighting for a long time. He finally passed but it is still sad. I hadn’t seen him much these past months either. He will be missed. His passing got me thinking about one of my other favorites that passed away last October. I still miss him. I have elephant gel clings hanging on one of my bus windows for him. He liked elephants so I put those up for him, in part to twit him because he had made fun of some other décor I had up. Now I leave the elephants up to honor his memory.

I went up north Saturday and Sunday last weekend. I was hoping to take my mother out for Mothers’ Day but she didn’t want to go out. We had dinner at her house. I really wanted to take her out because she needs to get out of the house but she isn’t up to it. I feel really bad for her and about her circumstances. I feel like she needs to be around people more but she is kind of difficult to deal with. She is doing alright considering–she walks with a walker, and she is in her right mind enough to know her financials but she is obviously mentally ill. It has only gotten worse, not better. She is paranoid and thinks someone is stalking her on the web and through her phone. It seemed like she was getting better for a while there, 2013-2017. She had a steady boyfriend then, though she was not IN love with him. He kept her in touch with reality though, and made her life active and fun. I can’t be there for her, the drive is too much. She has a roommate now…that helps her out with some of her ability to afford to live on her own as well as her ability to get food but he can’t deal with the mental issues. I can probably guess that he finds her difficult to deal with too. It is truly sad. I am sad every time I visit her. It is a visit fraught with guilt and unpleasant emotions. It makes me sad that I feel like that too. It takes me some time to recover from all THAT.

I did see my dad. We stayed with him. It is always so peaceful at his place. He keeps a neat and clean house and of course the property is beautiful. I took some pictures of his flowers. Daddy talked our ears off, haha. He never seemed to talk that much when I was a kid. I am thankful that he seems to be doing well. He keeps himself busy with pickle ball and odd jobs, plus work around his house and on his vehicles. My husband and I will be going back up there in June and July. We have a wedding to go to in June that is near my dad’s place and we have vacation in July. I mean to spend some time at the beach, weather permitting.

My nephew Ken, who is 18, called me yesterday. He needs to get his Social Security card and state ID. His mother took off with the boys’ Social Security cards and never turned them into the foster care agency like she was supposed to. My dad tried to get Ken his Social Security card but it was denied. They want all this documentation. Same with the ID. I told Ken we’d work on it but I had to gather up/request some documents. I mean both Social Security and the Secretary of State have lists of documents they want you to provide but many were impossible for Ken to get because he hasn’t had a job nor has he any bills in his name and the school he attended did not do picture ID. Well, I have been feeling so shitty I couldn’t even really deal with all that.

Ken called me and told me he called the Social Security office in Flint and that we could just go in there–we didn’t need an appointment–with a medical record of his. He talked of going to the urgent care or I got that information from him somehow so a planned started to form. I had some cancellations for the next day and my boss allowed me to come in later so I could take Ken to Social Security. I didn’t have much hope that we would make any progress on getting him his card but I’d thought we’d try it. The kid wants and job and to go to college. First we went to the urgent care to request his medical record. Luckily they did not ask for ID. He almost didn’t even have to sign a release form. We went on to Social Security. Of course, the medical record wasn’t good enough to get him his card. It had to have an official stamp on it or a signature from someone in the medical office–even the receptionist could sign it. UGH!! I had his official birth certificate, official stamp and all, but that wasn’t good enough, don’t ask me why. So back to urgent care we went hoping that we could get an official stamp or signature without too many questions asked. Luckily the receptionist stamped the records for us with the stamp the doc uses for prescriptions (she refused to sign the records herself, rather rudely but she was exasperated so I forgave her–and she didn’t ask questions, she just wanted us out of her hair, ha). Also, someone in the office showed us that the medical records were, in fact, digitally signed by the doctor. We hightailed it back to the Social Security office and they didn’t turn us away. I waited with baited breath while the guy inspected the medical record. He took his time finding the digital signature (the official prescription stamp wasn’t enough??). I had to point it out to him. He accepted it!! Ken will get his Social Security card in 10 to 14 days. One major hurdle cleared! Next we have to work on getting him his ID. We will still need more records. Of course he wants his drivers license. That scares me! He hasn’t had any driver’s training. He thinks he will do alright. HA. Ugh. I just can’t wait till he gets a job and gets his butt back in school. I am happy that I was able to help him get his Social Security card though. Now I will know what to do for the other 2 boys.

I saw 2 of my nephews riding their bikes on the way home. I recognized the back of my nephew right away. Weird because I had JUST been thinking about their mother, Nicole, and how she wanted to kill me. That was according to the boys, what they told their counselor when they were in foster care. Her mother, my nephews grandmother just died recently and I wonder if Nicole even knows because supposedly no one knows where she is or if she is alive still.

I saw my nephews, first Brent and then Alex. I recognized Brent’s backside over a bike seat, haha. Then I thought, shit, I bet their mother couldn’t even recognize them now. She hasn’t seen them in around 9 years. That is a crazy thought.

I feel bad because I had to pull away from my nephews. I did what I could for them and had to pull away when they went back to live with their father, my brother. It’s complicated. A large part of it was the drama that my brother causes or that comes with dealing with him. He takes advantage of any help given, or finds fault with the help you can give, and has trouble taking no for an answer. Help is not generally appreciated and seems to never be enough. I just had to step away from that mess because it would take over my life. I mean, having my 3 nephews live with me for 4 years pretty much took over my life at the time. I needed to go back to work full time and had to concentrate on work (I don’t have enough energy to work full time and take care of kids it seems). It was hard to step away, and I feel guilty now because they aren’t doing well but deep down I know that there is nothing I could have done to make things better. It all falls back to my brother and what kind of person he is, what kind of parent he wants to be. It all just makes sad. I feel bad for my nephews because ultimately they lose out. I know I just had to pull away or lose my health and sanity.

It’s ok. I already had practice. I had to pull away from my stepson in ways, for some of the same reasons (but to a much lesser degree–some reasons I haven’t gone into in this post) when he became a teen, more so when he got in high school. It makes you think. It makes you wonder. Is life just a series of pulling away from people?

It makes you sad.

So instead of doing housework, I have been tracing one of my lines of ancestry on my father’s side back to 1600s France. It was a brick wall, my 3rd great grandmother’s mother and her family. I figured it out early this morning (went to bed) and I started tracing the line back this afternoon. Found another Fille du Roi but then there was a 9th great grandmother that married in Canada around the time of the Fille du Roi but was not a Fille. So when or how did she immigrate? She actually came over in 1645 or 46 with her whole family! She was only about 10 years old at the time. Can you imagine making that voyage from France to New France, over the Atlantic as a young girl? WOW! How exciting…and perhaps quite scary. I wonder if she was excited or hated to leave home. She had to be brave–she was given no other choice, really. She married at 12!!

Here is a website all about her family.

https://lesarchambaultdamerique.com/news/notre-ancetre/