Jacquelyn's Space

Thankfully I am off work for about a week. I took some extra days around the Labor Day holiday, thinking my husband and I would be up in the Straits of Mackinac area for the week. We are going, just not for as long as I anticipated. My husband has his EMT class graduation Thursday night so we can’t leave for Sault Ste Marie until Friday morning. I’m kinda bent out of shape over it but oh well, it gives me time to slowly pack, try to get this house in order (ha ha), and deal with the fact that someone charged $150 on my debit card at Target.com.

It’s always something, I tell ya!!

I am anxious about the packing as always. I’ve been trying to get my house in order too, but I have been moving at a slug’s pace, much to my husband’s dismay. I am driving him crazy for which I am heartily sorry, but I find it damn near impossible to push myself. I am really going through some things lately and I am not sure why it’s been so difficult. Maybe it’s because I am menopausal? Maybe my physical issues? My mental health issues? Why do I even care what is causing it because I know it’s a combination of all. I just keep hoping I would come upon a magic solution that will make me jump up and get motivated. The magic solution has not been forthcoming. It is beyond frustrating!! Can’t I just hire someone to clean and organize my house? My husband hates that idea. He always says, “I can clean. I can do it.” No, he cannot do all the things. It’s not fair, he doesn’t have the time, the energy, and his cleaning doesn’t meet my standards. Yes! I am that bitch. HA. I’m going to have to hire someone in the fall. That’s all there is too it. It’s gotta happen, it’s gonna happen. Lord knows I need help.

I’m watching the news coverage of the latest mass shooting. It’s heartbreaking but I have become desensitized to it. It’s a damn shame. These shootings will keep happening because people don’t want to give up their guns, people don’t want to prioritize nor pay for mental health, people don’t want to do anything beyond thoughts and prayers because it’s easier that way until someone they love or they themselves get shot. I wonder what the statistics are for the average individual’s chance of getting shot in a mass shooting now. (1 in 156 chance in 2023)

I just have to focus on myself until I get my shit in order or get gunned down, whichever happens first.

This world sucks.

I went to the cardiologist yesterday. My first visit. I had an echocardiogram in the spring, ordered by my pulmonologist. It came back bad and scary. I have “mild” pulmonary hypertension and an aortic aneurysm. The old pulmonologist read me the riot act: “You gotta use your CPAP machine. You gotta lose weight. Now I have to do a workup for pulmonary hypertension to see what is causing it….you may need a stent!” I got a history lesson that I didn’t need, about how women are not as active as they used to be back in the day. Dude! I know I’m a fat slug but I’m sitting here confused, scared, and angry wondering what PH is, what to do about the aneurysm, and the treatment to both is in addition to losing weight! He ordered a blood panel workup, then retired. Bloodwork showed an autoimmune disease but not anything specific. I know I have chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia, but I didn’t realize that could mess with my lungs. I went back to the lung doc and was seen by the new guy who knew nothing about me or what the retired doc was thinking. What he did say dashed any hope I had of losing weight on my own: “You’ll never lose weight on your own. I am writing you a prescription for Zepbound…come back in a month” and, you need to see a cardiologist, not me. Gee, thanks.

My insurance unfortunately does not cover weight loss medication, don’t ask me why. It doesn’t make sense to me.

It took me months to get into see the cardiologist. He was not concerned. He said there was nothing to worry about because people with sleep apnea may show higher blood pressures in their lungs. The aneurysm–they don’t do anything for it until it gets above 5cm–we just have to keep an eye on it. The cardiologist wants to put me on Zepbound. Ugh. That would be nice, wouldn’t it? Do I wanna be on that medication? If I could afford it and if it would really help me quit my ADDICTION to food, yeah sure. I’ll give it a try. The cardiologist says I am the perfect candidate for it. So, he has this person in his office that has had luck getting insurance to pay for the prescription. It’s a coding issue. So, they are going to try. The best part is they gave me a 1-month sample for the medication. That was more than the lung doctor did! I’ll try it and see what happens. The coding person says I may be eligible for another month free from the manufacture if my insurance doesn’t want to cover the medication. After that, if not covered, AND, if it works, I will look into the cost of purchasing a vial of the med and drawing up my own shots. Other than that, I am on my own… which I haven’t given up the idea that I CAN lose weight if I really try, if I really were to put my mind to it. I haven’t ever really TRIED. The times I lost weight, it came naturally. I still hope I can do that, even though I am menopausal. I just need to find a way to manage my food addiction, replace my cravings for carbs with cravings for veggies.

At this point, after my visit with the cardiologist, I am hopeful that I may be able to manage this pulmonary hypertension. Perhaps if I lose weight, all will be well. I’m trying to stay out of the hospital….

Unfortunately, I will probably have to go into the hospital at some point because I need to have both my knees replaced. The bones are grinding together in there. Again, I have to lose weight before that can happen because my BMI is way too high for surgery right now. It’s horrendous. I had steroid shots in both knees. It kinda helped but not that much. UGH.

I had my first MRI ever. It sucked. I hated that little coffin-like machine. I had the MRI on my spine for pain management. My back was fine until recent years and recent weight gain of 20 to 30 pounds. I suck, I know. I am destroying my body with eating. Why?? I don’t know. I have the back issues, narrowing and bulging whatever. It doesn’t bother me too much until I want to move or move and carry stuff. I’ve been trying not to move. LMFAO. I got a steroid shot in the spine too. Fun stuff. I’ll be putting that to the test this weekend by trying to walk the Mackinac Bridge. We’ll see how the back holds up. I know the knees will be hurting.

Aging ain’t for sissies…and it ain’t for fat people for sure. I guess, like many, I was under the mistaken impression I was invincible, but all my bad habits are catching up with me…well, not all but some. Gotta get me myself under control and on the right path.

I’ll be thinking about all this as I am painfully crossing the Mackinac Bridge, leaning on my walker (Ha!). And HEY! If my back holds out, feels good, and my breathing isn’t too laborious, I may attempt a double-cross. I know, BIG TALK for this old, decrepit fatty, but you gotta have goals!