Jacquelyn's Space

I will tell my truths. Whether you want to read it or not, well that’s on you. There is always the option of not reading it, of not clicking the link…. the option of the delete button or block feature.

I have to start with this: My stepson’s mother and her family are not victims. Her family are enablers. They tolerate her behavior, listen to her stories of victimization, give credence to her lies, prioritizing her feelings above all others, letting her get away with her poor behavior. Her family have a hand in creating this mess because they have turned a blind eye to those that she has hurt, and do not want to hear anyone else’s side of things nor even try to have a real conversation about anything that doesn’t fit their image of how they want to be seen. So be it. I’m going to tell my truth anyway. I always have.

I think it is rich that one of Sue’s family members is all up in arms because someone deigned to send her parents a link to my blog via Facebook. Apparently, Sue’s parents are off limits, though Sue’s mother (my stepson’s Nana) sent my daughter-in-law a nasty gram. Apparently, they are so angry, but yet, they are going to tell my daughter-in-law’s and my stepson’s truth, and make sure it is known. That is laughable. Why must the truth be filtered through someone else? Is it not here, in black and white? Is not the proof within the pudding? Has not Sue’s family seen it for themselves? Have they not been victim to some of her nastiness? Why is it that Sue and her family can spout off anything they want, about anyone, but they can’t stomach reading/hearing someone else’s side of things?

For me, I want the truth to be known. I wanted someone from my stepson’s maternal family to step in and say enough is enough. To step up and stand up for my stepson and his wife. To actually care enough to reach ot to my stepson and daughter-in-law, and ask them for their side of the story, not just believe Sue and all her half- truths and lies. I wanted someone from that family to assure Jordan and Beth that they are still a part of his mother’s family despite what Sue may be doing or saying. I had hoped someone from Sue’s family would stand up to her. I have this idea that she would only listen to someone from her clan. I guess that is too much to be expected or hoped for. I guess for them the only solution is to try to bully people into silence. Let’s just sweep it all under the rug so to speak. Let’s go on pretending that all is well and let those that have been hurt learn to just put up and shut up for the sake of a few people’s fragile egos. It’s truly not my problem whether “they” grow or not.

It truly isn’t. It is not my problem whether Sue grows as a person or not. It is not my problem whether she has a relationship with her son or his family or not. It is actually beneficial to me if she doesn’t because I have always had trouble dealing with her meanness and I won’t have to deal with it anymore…plus, now I get to be the only paternal grandma.

But, I do have a hard time dealing with all this. Through it all, regardless if my posts, my stance, seem harsh, I have only ever wanted my stepson to have a good relationship with all his parents. That means with his mom, his dad, his stepdad, and with me. I have always fought for my stepson not to be put in the middle of things. Sue keeps dragging him right there–in the middle of things. I had hoped we were past it all by now. As I have written a few times, it has been over 12 years since my stepson came of age. There are no more parenting disputes, no way I can overstep my boundaries as a stepmother. I all but disappeared myself from my stepson’s life. I had not written about my stepson’s mother in years before she started up her stuff again. I barely had a relationship with my stepson, because of her machinations. But I was asked to be a grandparent. I almost stepped away completely because of things that Sue did. Because of her ultimatum. Thankfully it did not quite sit right with my stepson and his wife. His wife wanted to have a good relationship with both sides of Jordan’s family. I saw her trying. If she could try so could I. Plus, if I stepped out of the picture, my husband would suffer and Sue would win. I was afraid of the consequences of me staying in the picture though. I didn’t want to have to fight to validate my existence in my stepson’s life. My husband and my counselor convinced me to stick around so I did.

Navigating Complex Family Dynamics: My Recent Experience as a Stepparent

I tried to be as unobtrusive as possible at my stepson’s wedding. Of course, Sue was somewhat nice to me at the wedding, but it was all a show for her family. Right after, she told my daughter-in-law that if we both attended the girls’ basketball games, she would just sit on the opposite side of the gym from me. So where was the rest of the family supposed to sit? Were they supposed to equally divide their time between the two of us? Separate but equal. Is that really feasible?

See, that is how this whole debacle started. My husband and I were told that Sue gave her son and ultimatum. Sue’s good at giving ultimatums. Sue is good at setting boundaries. Sue is not good about respecting boundaries or thinking of others.

A couple of years ago, long before the wedding, Sue told Jordan that if I were at any of the grandkid’s birthday parties, or any function Jordan and his wife held, she would not be there. It was ok if Jordan’s dad was there but not me. My husband does not drive. I drive him to most of his commitments. Most times, if I am not available to take him somewhere, he doesn’t go. So how would that work? Also, what kind of imposition does that put on her son and daughter-in-law? I could write at length about it, but I’ll let my readers think about how that would work. Comment with any suggestions, please.

Separate but equal? No, separate, but unequal. My stepson and daughter-in-law tried to work with Sue’s ultimatum, but it left me and Chuck out of the party more often than not…or we were the back-up plan, the second-string guests. You can only imagine how that made us feel. Hence, part of the reason why I wanted to step away from it all. Things really came to a head when Jordan proposed. He told his father and I a few weeks before that he was going to propose. He said family would be there. We told him to keep us informed or let us know if there was anything we could do to help out on the big day. The big day arrived. Family was there. We were not. We were not invited.

Sue and her family were there.

Understandably, we were hurt and angry. I cannot even describe the amount of hurt I felt. Do you know, I’ve been in Jordan’s life since he was five years old. As much as I hurt for myself, I hurt even more for my husband. He did not deserve to be pushed aside. It made us question if we were even considered family at all. It still hurts to write about. Hurt upon hurt.

But hey, I’m tough. I’ve been through a lot, I can take a lot. But I was ready to just be done with Jordan at that point. That is where my husband and my counselor stepped in and convinced me not to give up. And my daughter-in-law, Beth. I saw her trying extraordinarily hard to make things right, to heal the rift between us (husband and I) and Jordan, as well as to have a relationship with both families. If she was trying so hard, so could I.

That is also when the truth about Sue started coming out. She set the stage for that. She has no one to blame but herself, though it is next to impossible for her to take responsibility for own behavior. But that’s Sue. I still tried to play nice. I tried to look at and understand all sides.

Then came the wedding time. Again, Sue made ultimatums. She would not be at Beth’s wedding shower if I was there. Sue nor her daughter came to Beth’s shower. I was there. I guess we could have had two showers, though it would not be fair for Beth’s bridesmaids to foot the bill for two showers. Sue was not forthcoming with any solutions, or so it seemed. Just don’t invite Jackie. Problem solved. And see, I am too nice. I was worried she would not come to the wedding, and for Jordan’s sake, I wanted her to be at the wedding. I was willing to bow out. Again, that would not have been fair to my husband. Beth and her daughters said I had to come to the wedding, so I decided to go. All the angst was for nothing though. Sue showed up to the rehearsal dinner and the wedding. She was sort of nice to me at the wedding, but, of course, that must have been for show. I did my best to be as quiet as possible and to stay out of her way. I succeeded so well that I didn’t even feel like myself.

Whew. That hurdle was over. There was no drama. No one came to blows. We never have. I have never directly confronted Sue and have always tried to compose myself around her, though I would have loved to shoot daggers at her with my eyes, or shoved a pin in her ass when she stood in front of me during picture time at the wedding. I even spoke to her when she spoke to me, though I was trying to stay away from her. I have never wanted to do anything to make Jordan uncomfortable or feel bad. I’m not saying I’m always successful, but I do try really hard not to act the bitch when we are at Jordan’s events. What do I get for my troubles? Shade.

Sue casts shade… oh, poor Sue, she just can’t be around me because I am a horrible person. Oh, Sue can’t take what I might do to her because I have such animosity towards her. Who really holds the animosity? There has never been any drama unless she caused it! I caught that massively dirty look Sue shot me when I had the audacity to show up to the kids’ basketball game. Did I punch her in the face? No. I just sat politely away from her, though not on the other side of the gym.

Not soon after the wedding, my daughter-in-law had a mental breakdown and ended up in the hospital. I don’t want to write a whole lot on this, as it is her story to tell and many of the details are sensitive. I do not want to reveal anything she is uncomfortable with. She has written about it in her blog here: https://welcome-to-my-life.blog/2024/04/05/welcome-to-my-nightmare

Beth messaged me from the hospital, apologizing for hurting Jordan, and hurting me and Chuck. Truthfully, that made me angry. Not at Beth, but at whoever made her feel like she needed to apologize. There was no need for her to apologize to me!! I went to see her because I wanted Beth to know I supported her. I only wanted her to get better. I knew what happened between her and Jordan but I know she was having a break and hadn’t really wanted to hurt Jordan. I was concerned! I was concerned for BOTH! But I knew if I showed Beth support it would help both of them. I had a relationship with Beth–she had opened up to me, where my stepson could not. I only want what is best for both Jordan and Beth. They love each other despite their troubles.

While I was trying to make Beth feel supported, apparently Sue was doing her very best to run Beth down to the family. This made Beth feel horrible, as you can only imagine. I guess that is what prompted Beth to apologize. She was made to feel like shit because she had a breakdown. Of course, Beth and Sue’s relationship suffered as a result of Sue broadcasting lies about events surrounding the breakdown. Their relationship broke down due to Sue’s reaction to Beth’s mental break, and how she dealt with things, how she lied about certain aspects….it was beyond hurtful. It was Sue who should have been apologizing.

Beth and I only grew closer from that point on. She needed support. I stepped in and did that because I wanted what was best for her, my stepson, and their kids.

I know it really burned Sue’s britches that Beth and I were getting closer. At first, I thought it would make Sue cool off and work on her relationship with her daughter-in-law, to make things right again, but it was the total opposite. Things only got worse and worse. Sue made totally inappropriate statements that were hard to forgive. Also, Sue refused to apologize for maligning Beth to the family.

After a few weeks, Beth was trying to make it work with Sue again. That was when I attended the basketball game where Sue gave me the rottenest dirty look. I knew then that she could not stand how close Beth and I were. Whatever. I was going to keep doing me despite her nastiness. I know what’s in my heart and my motives have been pure.

Beth and Jordan had another fight, as couples do sometimes. Again, I don’t feel like it is my place to go into the details. They made up, but again statements were made by Sue that were unfortunate, to say the least. Sue seemed out to separate Jordan and Beth. All I wanted was for both Jordan and Beth to be alright. I have worked hard to make it so, as well as to try to convince them to go to couples counseling. Through it all, I know Jordan and Beth love each other, and want to make their relationship work. They are just having a rough time of it. It is not helped by a mother-in-law that just wants them to throw away their marriage like it was last week’s stinky trash.

Beth set Sue off by posting something on Facebook. Something to the effect of, “If you disrespect your son, you disrespect your mother-in-law.” Sue called up Jordan screaming at him. I have had to listen to too many of those calls. Sue used to do that to my husband, and I have heard her do it to Jordan before also. I know how traumatizing those calls can be. The short of it was this:

Sue did not want Beth to have a relationship with Jordan’s dad’s side of the family. She did not want Beth to have a relationship with me. She said Beth acted just like me. She said that Beth was bringing people back into her life that had “traumatized” her. Jordan tried to make her see things from Beth’s perspective. Sue screamed, “I don’t care how she feels!” She said she would disown Jordan unless he divorced Beth. Jordan refused. I guess now he is disowned.

This is so upsetting to all of us, really. It has been hard for me to write all this out. There is a lot more to this, a lot of mixed emotions, but this is it in a nutshell. I will have to detail my emotions another day. I feel for my stepson. He is hurt. He does not deserve this at all. Neither does Beth. Neither do the grandkids. Sue disowned them too. That is very hurtful and confusing to the kids and totally unnecessary. Of course, I feel horrible because, perhaps, if I had just stepped out of the picture, some of this could have been avoided. But that’s not right, is it? It would have been something else, eventually. Or someone else.

Unfortunately, I will be writing about my stepson’s mother for a little while longer. I need to clear a few things up. I also intend to finish writing my memoir on the trials of being a stepmother when your stepkid’s mother is a jerk. It is not always the stepchild that is the thorn in a stepmother’s side, many times it is the stepchild’s mother. I would also like to emphasize that stepmother’s get a bad reputation for being evil but perhaps it just shade thrown by insecure bio-moms.

Shade

One of the things that my stepson’s mother apparently told my stepson was that I called CPS on her numerous times. I already detailed one instance where she told my stepson that me and his father called CPS on her, or that CPS “were involved” when they really were not. It was just a ploy by her to manipulate her son.

Previous Post:

https://wordpress.com/post/jashalyn.com/5465

CPS was not involved then, nor were they ever involved. I have never called CPS on my stepson’s mother, nor has my husband ever called CPS on her. Supposedly, she told my stepson that we would go tit for tat, where she would do something shitty and my husband and I would respond with shitty behavior back, some of which was calling CPS on her. We never called CPS on her. Never. She is the one that brought it up, pre-emptively accusing us of wanting to call CPS on her, when she was leaving her son home alone all day long, at the age of 10 years old. That thought had not even crossed our mind. My husband always tried to deal with her in a reasonable manner, talking to her first, trying to hear her side of things. She did not do that in return. As far as going tit for tat with her, that is something we fought hard against. She, again, accused my husband of doing that, citing her bad behavior as a catalyst, stating something like, “Don’t do to me what I have done to you in the past.” She knew she behaved horribly in the past, using her son as a pawn in her game, but didn’t like it when we reacted to her with the same. But we actually never reacted to her behavior the same way. It was never tit for tat because we never tried to use Jordan (stepson) as pawn. We always tried to do what was best for Jordan but while preserving my husband’s parenting time. It may have seemed–a very few times, because my husband is TOO nice–that my husband was going tit for tat when he put his foot down, but it was just an effort to preserve his time with his son. If he had never put his foot down, he would have been phased out of his son’s life. I truly believe that, even more so now, since recent events have shed more light on her shady behavior.

It is hard to write about this without citing past incidents as evidence. Do I have all the energy for that right now? No, I do not. Do I even have the time for that? No, I do not. Trust me though, I have incidents documented. I just have to dig out all those papers and files. I have tried to put all this behind me. It has been over 10 years since my stepson has come of age. I had hoped we were all past this, but his mother must continue with her need to control and be primary parent in her son’s life…with her husband being the second parent, and me and my husband totally phased out. It is like she expected us to disappear. She did her best to make us disappear. She is pissed now that we have not. That Jordan still wants to have a relationship with us, that his wife wants a relationship with us.

It is tough writing about this because it dredges up all the past feelings, not to mention current struggles. I have wanted to disappear from my stepson’s life. I struggled with that, oh I struggled. I got the feeling he didn’t want me in his life and that hurt like hell. I had pulled back because I couldn’t deal with the hurt. I had put a lot of these feelings away, tamped them down, because I didn’t want to feel the hurt and there wasn’t much I could do to forge a relationship with Jordan if he wasn’t interested in having one. I also couldn’t deal with seeing my husband hurt. We both knew that Jordan is a mama’s boy, that his mother was first (and only?) parent in his life, with Chuck being a very distant second. It was hard to swallow because we knew what Jordan’s mother has done to make herself tops in her son’s life. We knew she was manipulative and that she had (somewhat) poisoned Jordan against us. My husband had no idea what to do about it. Neither did I, really, except that I thought if we had a few uncomfortable conversations with Jordan, if I presented my evidence (my writings), then he might come around. How do you do that with your kid when they aren’t really interested? When they don’t really remember the past, when they were a kid, when they don’t want to remember the bad times…we didn’t want to do that, we didn’t want to dredge up the past, the bad times. We didn’t want to have to dump it all on him, cram it down his throat, trash his mother….

It was just hard to stomach coming in a distant second, to very last, if even considered or thought of to that piece of work that Jordan calls mother. That manipulative, controlling, narcissist (psychopath?)….

Anyway,  now she has done it all on her own. She dredged up the past by making her ultimatums and talking shit and throwing a temper tantrum when she couldn’t shut me and my husband out of Jordan and his family’s lives.

And now, the truth is coming out.

I really want to write about what happened regarding my stepson’s mother but I am having trouble finding the energy or the motivation to write anything at all. It is frustrating. I can’t seem to get back into this blog. I think about what I want to write while I am driving but I am so wore out by the time I get home, I don’t write. I am concerned about how my stepson’s mother is behaving because she has been hurtful to my stepson, his wife, and my grandkids, not to mention that she actively tried to damage me and my husband’s relationship with our son. This makes me angry, so very angry. It is also hard not to think about the past. The current drama dredges everything up from the past, that could have stayed buried had my stepson’s mother let it. If she hadn’t tried to control her son’s relationship with his father and I, and with his wife. She also wanted to control her daughter-in-law’s relationships, as well as the grandkids. It is hard for me to believe that she has not realized before now that you cannot control everyone around you. You cannot control who your loved ones have a relationship with. Ha, loved ones! If she truly loved, if she knew anything about genuine love, she would have stopped this behavior a long time ago. But I digress. She wants to control everyone and continues to try to push my husband and I out of our son’s life. I guess she thought we should just disappear, perhaps hoped my stepson would want nothing to do with us, as if we are horrible people. We aren’t perfect, that’s true, but we are far from horrible. I know now some of the lies she told my stepson in order to try to damage our relationship with him. She has gotten away with so much for so long, all the lies, casting shade on us. People that supposedly care about her have let her get away with her horrendous behavior for so long that when anyone doesn’t kowtow to her, it must seem traumatizing. It is a rude awakening.