I posted this in another blog I had wanted to start but never really got going. I wrote this in 2011 or 2012 for a college class. I thought I had written a conclusion for it but if I did, I didn’t post it in the blog. I used this as a basis for my memoir about being a stepmother. It is a work in progress. I thought it would be good to repost it here because it adds to the story as to why there is so much hurt. All that is going on now is part of a long history. Names have been changed to protect all involved.
From One Stepmother’s Viewpoint
“The nerve of that woman! She told me she didn’t care what I thought…” I seethed in 2008. I had recently created a stepmom support group on a social networking site, mainly to commiserate with other stepmoms about problems specific to us. My husband’s ex-wife had requested to join. I messaged her back, through the group email, stating my surprise at her request to join my group since she didn’t care what I thought. I also pointed out she was not a stepmom. Her response was disingenuous – she did not know the group was mine, and did not want to join my group. She must have felt the need to explain because she also replied, “as I don’t care what you think. I am however trying to better understand you and your viewpoint.” How can she understand someone when she doesn’t care what they think? What is a viewpoint if not what a person thinks and feels? Has she ever tried to have a real conversation with me? No, not really. Her response was ludicrous but intrigued me – still does. What is my viewpoint? I hardly know anymore, after dealing with my stepson’s mother for many years. Unfortunately, a large part of my viewpoint has been shaped by her – being a stepmom is tough, especially when the biological mother does not want another woman in her children’s life. What would I want the ex-wife, mother of my stepson to know?
First, my viewpoint, like all stepmother’s, is unique and complex. My thoughts and feelings about being a stepmother were shaped by many things beginning in childhood with my idea of motherhood. Then, like most children who grew up on fairy tales and Disney, I was negatively influenced by the myth of the evil stepmother. Not ever having positive exposure or barely any exposure – the Brady Bunch, though a blended family, never talked in terms of stepfamily– to a real stepmother, I believed the stereotype. When my husband, Cal and I began to get serious so many years ago, I thought about what type of role I wanted to play in his son, Jon’s life. It was not that of stepmother, but one of friend, older sister perhaps, or aunt. Since I am typically a nice person and not jealous, and not a biological mother, I could not conceive of myself as a traditional stepmother. In the beginning, I truly wasn’t a stepmother; to Jon I was Dad’s girlfriend (I became his stepmother after living with Cal 8 years). As my presence in Jon’s life grew, I allowed my role to be shaped by his expectations, and also by Cal’s– his more laid-back parenting style. Jon, then five years old, indirectly set some boundaries – he had no qualms about telling people I was not his mom when we were out together, though he never said those words to me, and seemed to accept my presence in his life easily enough. I am unsure if this was his own idea or if he was coached to think and do this. I got the message though and proceeded with caution – I tried not to overdue my mothering. I did have an important role though – Cal has never been able to drive due to an eyesight problem, so transportation of Jon fell to me. All this shaped my initial viewpoint of what it is to be a stepmother. It was (and still is) difficult – how I danced while trying to define my role – fighting my own perceptions, balancing my need to mother while trying not to overstep boundaries, some real, some imagined. And then there is Jon’s mother – she did not appreciate my presence, or Cal’s, in HER son’s life.
Further exploration of my viewpoint requires some background information. I must share the character of Jon’s mother and Cal’s story in order for anyone to truly understand where I am coming from, and why each and every stepmom will have a different viewpoint, one that cannot be objective. My husband and his ex-wife, Sharon (name changed) married in 1993, a few months before the birth of their son. Cal and Sharon had to work two jobs to make ends meet; both of them worked at the same EMS company as their second jobs. Sharon had extra-marital affairs with at least two of their co-workers, and eventually left Cal for one of them (the other co-worker felt guilty and confessed his affair to Cal after Sharon left). When she left, she took their son, what money was in the bank account, and came back later with her lover to get some possessions. Cal was not home when she came to get her stuff and according to Cal’s mother, Sharon barely left him a pot to piss in. Cal’s mom told me he called the evening it happened because he came home from work and found everything gone. Upset, he called his mom because he needed to borrow dishes and utensils so he could have dinner. Sharon had also taken all their son’s clothes and toys, as well as half of his bunk bed set, leaving the other half in pieces by the door (Cal believes she would have taken it all, but she did not have room in her vehicle). Cal was devastated and ultimately it was Sharon who filed for divorce, which became final in November 1998. I started hanging out with Cal in spring of 1999, a couple of months before Sharon married Doug (one of the guys she had an affair with) in mid-June. She was a few months pregnant at the time of her second marriage.
My relationship with Cal progressed fast despite rumor’s I heard around our mutual workplace (a grocery store) that Cal was abusive. I also had reservations about dating a divorced man with a child. Plus I could feel how heartbroken and lonely he was over the divorce so if this was just a rebound thing or something real. We had a good time going out with friends from work, and Cal won me over with his humor and charm. He is truly one of the nicest men I have ever met, and I felt safe with him. I asked him about his heartbreak – if he was over his ex-wife. He assured me he was, that he was just sad over not seeing his son every day. I asked him about the rumors of abuse. He admitted that he would get stressed out from time to time and yell – in part, due to some medication that made him a little hot-headed- but he never was abusive toward Sharon. He believed Sharon started the rumors to gain sympathy and save face over the divorce, and her friend, who worked in our store, spread the rumor. I believed him, but I decided to be on my guard; if there was any sign of abuse I was out of there. We have been together for over 12 years (25 years at the time of this post and edit. J.M. 2024) – since we started living together in 1999. Cal has never raised his hand to me, never hit or pushed me, and has never said an unkind word to me or about me (still all true). He does get crabby and frustrated when stressed, and sometimes does yell out but it is not directed at me, and I have never been afraid of him. Who doesn’t yell from time to time? If he had ever been an abusive man, I would have seen it – I have often heard abusive men are very controlling and do not change easily.
I was cleaning Cal’s house one day soon after we met (he was trying to sell it because he couldn’t afford the payments on his income only) and I found a letter Sharon wrote to Cal when she left. It kind of supported what I had heard about her, and as a person who does not keep their word. In the letter she apologized to Cal, writing she hadn’t meant for stuff to happen the way it did, and she promised to bring Jon over anytime Cal wanted, all he had to do was call. I had not seen Sharon drive Jon over, and in fact I had started driving Cal back and forth to pick up Jon. I asked Cal about the letter, and he said he believes she wrote it to make herself feel better about the situation. Cal stated, Sharon did drive Jon over for visits at first, but not ‘anytime’ Cal wanted to see him, and she was soon annoyed with the whole arrangement, and even began to get annoyed when Cal called to talk with Jon. Once, because he was late (which he called her to let her know he was having trouble finding transportation), Sharon got mad and was not going to allow Cal his parenting time – she was leaving to visit with friends so tough. Cal offered to pick up Jon wherever, once his ride was available. She said no – he was late, so he missed out on his visitation, tough. She could have dropped the son off. Cal called her once he found a ride, but she would not let him come get Jon, though she, her new man and Jon, were visiting only two miles away from Cal’s house – just a straight shoot and one turn from his driveway. She would have had to drive by Cal’s house to get there. Cal was really upset and called the police. He told the police the story and they all arrived on the doorstep of Sharon’s friend’s house to pick up Jon. Sharon was livid! She could have dropped Jon off but couldn’t be bothered, but she was mad at Cal because he caused trouble for her in front of Jon, her new man and his family. She could have prevented the drama by just keeping her promise.
All this I heard (from different sources) and dealt with in the beginning. Sharon and Cal’s divorce, the incidents surrounding it, and how she treated and continues to treat him (and me too) are intertwined in my viewpoint. I love Cal, and Sharon’s behavior was hurtful to him and to his relationship with his son. Though they had both moved on, Cal was paying the consequences for her behavior – there were financial issues related to divorce and supporting a child and house on one income where there had once been two; he could not see his son as often as he liked; rumors she created could have cost him a relationship with me; and, overall, I wondered what Jon heard. I knew how the divorce had affected Cal – he did not want to get married ever again. I wondered how the divorce affected Jon. Despite it all, I wanted to have a good relationship with my stepson. Because he obviously loved his mother, I would try to love her too, or at least get along with her. I thought someone as nice and as understanding as I was could certainly do that. I sure was naïve and unprepared.
I had met Sharon before a camping trip–a vacation Cal and I planned to take Jon on. It seemed only right I meet her before I took her son on a camping trip. I met Sharon in her driveway – Cal and I were dropping Jon off and she came out. It was Jon that introduced us. He said, “Mom this is Jane, the girl you’ve been talking about.” I looked at her in surprise and she looked at me, eyes widened, as she shook her head she said, “I don’t know what he is talking about.” I don’t know what was said after that, but I know there was not much conversation and we left quickly. I remember wondering at what she could have been talking about where I was concerned because I was the great unknown, I wasn’t from the area, and she couldn’t really know anything about me. I didn’t realize then that was the problem – the unknown. She did tell Cal nastily before we went on the camping trip, “Don’t you and Jane have sex around Jon.” I was flabbergasted! As if we would, and how dare she even think that? Plus who does she think she is trying to control us? She was the one who cheated on her husband and left her son with his dad or her mother most of the time throughout the marriage, so she could fool around. She was the one who had left her husband for another man and got pregnant before marriage. Who was she to tell us? I was annoyed for a minute but then Cal and I laughed over it, called her crazy, and went on our merry way. That was my introduction to Sharon.
Our first meeting, and my first impressions of Sharon were not good but I still tried to keep an open mind for Jon’s sake, and as I saw myself in a relationship with Cal for the long haul (in spite of his assertion he would never marry again), I thought I might be able to help create a good co-parenting relationship between Cal and Sharon that included her new husband and me too. Boy, was I wrong. I truly think she hoped that because Cal did not drive, he would eventually disappear (except for his child support) from Jon’s life. Then I showed up.
Sharon did whatever she could to cause problems for Cal. Cal let her parents take Jon to church on his Sundays. A few times he went to church with them until Sharon got angry. She didn’t want Cal going to church with her parents and felt he was not observing proper boundaries. She made it unpleasant to pick Jon up and drop him off, berating Cal in front of Jon, about anything she could think of (lots of time it was about money). Sharon did not respect Cal or his parenting time. She would often want to ‘trade’ weekends when Jon was younger, sometimes at the last minute or even during Cal’s weekend. She would want Jon brought back early or she would want to pick him up for something, interrupting Cal’s time. In the early years after his divorce, Cal only got every other weekend with his son and those times were precious. He did not want to give those times up but being the nice guy that he is, always tried to be flexible; he would do what she wanted if he had nothing planned. There was no spite involved on his end but if he couldn’t trade weekends, she would get mad. I could hear her snotty tones as she yelled at Cal over the phone, even from another room. Then when he tried to ask for extra time, or to trade, she would spitefully say no. She would use snotty tones and say, “It’s my weekend to have Jon.” Or “What do the court papers say?” There was no reciprocity and no reasoning with her and exchanges such as these happened too many times to count. Sharon even had some understanding of what she was doing but overall did not care. Cal once told her no, he could not trade weekends or let her have Jon earlier because we had plans for his weekend. She admitted to him that she had been petty (or spiteful) in the past, but she had gotten over it, so he shouldn’t spiteful or petty back to her. All Cal had said was no, we had plans. Then she was mad because he did not relent. How do you deal with someone like that?
It was one such argument over parenting time when I had my next encounter with Sharon. There was a family function Cal wanted to take Jon to, but she would not allow it because it was ‘her weekend’. No other reason than that. This was about a year after I had been with Cal and witnessed numerous instances of Sharon’s pettiness and Cal bending over backwards to accommodate her. Cal was upset over this and didn’t know what to do. I was angry and sad for Cal, as well as for Jon because he loved spending time with his cousins, and he was going to miss a family event simply because his mother was being petty. I could not believe Sharon’s behavior and I could not sit back and watch anymore. Fed up, I wrote Sharon a letter detailing my displeasure at the situation, in which I told her she should not let her unhappiness with her life keep her from doing the right thing. I left it on her car one evening. Then I went to pick up Cal (he worked nearby her home) after a trip to the grocery store. Sharon was already at his workplace yelling at Cal about my letter, even though I had left my name and contact information on it. The details of what she said are fuzzy now but a whole lot of issues were ‘discussed’, including child support – she wanted more. My letter did not mention child support; I am not sure how we got on that subject except that she seemed to equate parenting time with amount of support paid. She was going on and on about how lucky Cal was because he didn’t have to pay for this or for that; I remember pointing at Cal and saying, “He’s gotta’ eat!” Her callous response, “How much can one person eat?”
Then she wanted to know how Jon was my business. Perhaps I did stick my nose in where it didn’t belong; I didn’t care – I could stand by silently and let her treat Cal, and Jon by association, as nastily as she had been. I thought, “I am the one who puts up Cal’s heartbreak when he can’t see Jon because you want to be a bitch. I am the one who cares when Jon is angry or sad because he missed out on something he wanted to do, when he misses out on family times and can’t understand why.” Of course I didn’t say that – Sharon, always stuck on what she wants rather than doing what is right for Jon, would never understand. What I said was, “I care about Jon. I am the one that drives Jon around. I am the one that sees Cal giving up his parenting time to accommodate what you want, while he gets nothing but trouble for being nice – you don’t return the favor.” Sharon flew off the handle at me, telling me repeatedly, “I love my son very much. You do not love him more than me. I am a wonderful mother. I have a wonderful husband, wonderful friends, and a wonderful job.” I never even mentioned love and nothing about me caring more than her. Nor did I mention her husband, friends, or job. I simply stated I cared. She obviously felt threatened by that.
This was not the first time Sharon went to Cal’s work and berated him in front of co-workers, nor the last. She mainly did this when she was anxious about money issues. Cal has always paid child support – it comes right out of his check, and he has nothing to do with how it is dispersed to her. Jon has never been in danger of going without. That never stopped Sharon from blaming Cal for her lack of money. It was totally unnecessary and improper for her to go up to my husband’s work to yell at him. The last time it happened was in July 2004; Jon was there with his father and I (Cal and I worked together at the time). I heard Cal upset on the phone and went to his office to see what was wrong – it was Sharon, of course. She called because she was mad about a parenting time issue and wanted Jon brought home; also, it came out that she ‘forgot’ to tell Cal that Jon had been ‘kicked out’ of daycare and was being left home alone, at 10 years old, for at least 8 hours a day, 5 days a week during the summer. Not only did she not inform Cal, who could have made arrangements to take Jon during the summer, she also kept the money Cal paid for daycare. I heard most of the ‘discussion’ and when Cal hung up the phone, I said something like, “You mean to tell me that bitch has been leaving Jon home alone all summer!” Cal and I heard a click over his speakerphone; somehow the phone had not been hung up properly – uh oh, had Sharon heard what I said.
Sure enough, as Cal and I were getting Jon and his stuff together to take him back to his mom’s house, I heard the door to the building slam. I was in the lounge area and had a direct view of Cal’s office door, where Jon was standing in the doorway to Cal’s office. Sharon stormed straight to Cal’s office, roughly pushed Jon out of her way, into the door jamb (he hit his elbow pretty hard), slammed the door in his face, and started yelling at Cal. Jon just stood there, hurt. I was flabbergasted. I should have called the police, but I didn’t. I gathered up Jon, made sure he was all right, took him to another room to talk to him, and told him it wasn’t his fault. We sat and watched TV and tried not to listen to the yelling. Jon’s stepdad came in, didn’t say a word, but took Jon out of the building. I paced the building – I could hear Sharon yelling, “I’ve been good to you!” over and over. I did not hear anything from Cal. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and I went into the office.
Cal was slumped in his chair; Sharon stood over him, yelling. I can’t remember my exact words, but I told her that if she had a problem with something I said she should take it up with me, not come up to Cal’s work and yell at him. I also pointed out that in her haste to get at Cal, she pushed her son into the door jamb. Of course she didn’t care and didn’t want to hear anything from me. She tried to tell me it was none of my business and I wasn’t even married to Cal. ‘Yeah, because you ruined that for me’ I thought, but I asked her, “What has that got to do with anything.” She basically repeated herself, to which I told her I had been in Jon’s life for five years and I cared about him. Sharon returned with her statement that Cal and I weren’t married, and I could leave him and Jon at any time. I am sure that is what she wished I would do, then I thought, ‘She had affairs and left! Of course, she didn’t leave Jon but still, she left when she wanted.’ I sneered at her, “Maybe I should get pregnant and then Cal will marry me.” Rotten, I know but how dare she think I would leave Cal and Jon; that I was dishonorable, like her. Things kind of went downhill from there. She tried to tell me that Cal was just using me for rides – anything to get me to back down but I wasn’t going to let her yell at Cal, not while I was around. She brought up child support again, accusing Cal, as operations manager, of withholding his payments to the state, but actually the state was having issues with their system at the time, and this was not a secret. That day was a real eye opener – it showed me (and Cal) just how messed up Sharon is.
What ultimately came out of that argument was how upset she was Jon was at work with us, and that Cal had taken Jon to a public relations event a week or two previously, in which Jon wore a company uniform shirt. We worked for an EMS agency, and Jon loved coming to work with Cal because he was EMS and firefighting crazy. He was safe at our work because Cal, as Operations Manager, worked in the office, and I did too as a billing clerk, so we could keep him close to us while we worked. She didn’t want Jon coming to work with us because of his ‘obsession’ with EMS and firefighting – it fed into that- and she also stated that she had taken all Jon’s EMS and fire related toys away. We noted that her husband was a volunteer firefighter, the police and fire scanner was on at their house all the time (per Jon), how did she expect to keep Jon from that? She was going to try. I didn’t believe her, especially since she had been upset a few weeks earlier that Jon had not wanted to go to work with her. Her way of dealing with Jon’s so-called obsession was disturbing to me so I suggested that taking things away from Jon would not stop him from thinking about EMS and firefighting – if left in a dark room without windows, Jon would still imagine EMS and firefighting scenarios, would still pretend he was an EMT and fireman. Cal and I tried to broaden Jon’s horizons by spending more time with him, introducing him to other things in life, and taking him to museums, etc. I had even quit my lucrative server job in order to have week-ends off to spend more time with Cal and Jon. I explained this to Sharon, but she insisted her way was the only way, and over and over she cried, “Who has the money, who has the time?” I almost felt sorry for her, but her opinions, her perceptions were off kilter and as usual there was no reasoning with her. She wanted Cal to agree not to bring Jon to work with him ever again, and threatened to go to the board of directors of our company; of course Cal reluctantly agreed. She did not really want to talk about Jon being left alone, the daycare money she kept when Jon had not been in daycare for months, or any other issue. Only that she had been good to Cal, Jon was none of my business, her feelings, and money.
Cal and I were blown away by Sharon’s attitude. We could not believe she left Jon home alone, cooped up in the house during the summer. We felt it was horrible to leave a very social ten-year-old locked in the house all summer long. Jon indicated that he did not particularly enjoy it and was scared sometimes. Cal kept trying to contact her concerning the matter while I thought of was to shift my work schedule around in order to stay with Jon part of the time so he could have some fun during the summer. Sharon did not like that idea and made arrangements for Jon to stay with her mother. We later found out that he was not always with his grandma and was still left home alone at times. Sharon agreed to change the child support order, dropping the daycare money only if Cal paid her $10 extra month because “she had been good to him” and had rounded down his support order by that amount previously. As for the EMS and firefighting issue, Cal and I did not take Jon to work anymore but Jon later told us that he had went to firefighting events and to the fire station with Sharon and his stepdad, Doug. His mom told him not to tell us because he would get her in trouble. Jon also told us he and his half-sister went on a fire call with Doug. They just happened to be with Doug when a fire call came though so he went to the address and worked a fire scene while they sat in his truck and waited. Like that’s not dangerous. Like that wouldn’t get Jon’s obsession with firefighting and EMS going.
A month after the argument, Sharon bought a brand-new SUV. Again, she told Jon, “Don’t tell dad and Jane because it is none of their business.” Sure, it wasn’t our business that she got a new vehicle, though it is something a 10-year-old boy gets excited about and wants to tell people; I thought it was wrong of her to ask him not to tell us stuff. Plus, she stood in front of us complaining about how she didn’t have the money or the time to do things with Jon, then goes out and buys an expensive, new SUV. That fact, combined with the recent argument and the things Sharon said and did before and after, paints a picture of an insecure and jealous mother, more concerned with her wants and needs, than that of her son. She wasn’t truly concerned about Jon’s so-called obsession with EMS and firefighting; she just wanted to block us from sharing Jon’s passions with him. She was trying to set us up as untrustworthy, bad guys, while she was the one that fostered and promoted his interests.
Before and after the big argument, Jon indicated he wanted to spend more time with us. Sharon and Doug were adding on to their house and Jon often expressed his sadness that his mom did not have time for him. The previous school year was a rough one – we had tried to help Jon all we could, but we only saw him every other weekend. We told him to ask his mom or stepdad for help with homework – Jon said that when he asked for help, he was rudely told that he needed to figure it out on his own. According to Jon, all his mom did when she got home from work was sit in front of the computer – she did not play with him anymore. At first I made excuses for her but my heart went out to him. I told Jon that his mom was probably tired from working so hard and also that maybe he should talk to her about his feelings. One day, he complained about the paint fumes from construction. Since it was summer, Cal and I thought it would be a good idea if Jon came and stayed with us for a couple of weeks, until the bulk of the renovations were done. Cal called Sharon and her response was a firm, “Absolutely not!” Jon also asked her (we did not know he was going to do this), but he came back with the same answer but it was Doug who said “Absolutely not!” There was no reason whatsoever why Jon couldn’t stay with us for a couple of weeks except for his mom and stepdad’s unworkable attitudes.
“Absolutely not!” was heard again in the fall after the big argument. Jon wanted to participate in an after-school activity but needed transportation home – due to their schedules, neither Sharon nor Doug could do it. Jon asked me to pick him up after his activity and take drop him off at his mom’s. I told him I would do but I didn’t feel right about dropping him off at an empty house. I put my foot down – Jon would stay with me until Sharon or Doug came home from work. Of course, Cal and I got that favored statement, absolutely not. Jon was upset so Sharon decided we should all meet in her backyard to discuss the situation. The meeting was not cordial. Jon, right away, tried to tell his mom that he did not really want to stay home alone. Sharon sat Jon up on the picnic table and ‘sweetly’ tried to convince Jon that she would never do anything that would endanger him. Sharon, Cal and Doug all asked Jon a bunch of questions about what he would do in certain situations, such as fire, break in, etc. His answers were not comforting, and I sat that there, extremely irritated that they would even put him through that. Then Sharon tried to tell Jon that Cal and I did not think he was mature enough to stay by himself, that he couldn’t handle himself. I cut her short and told her, “No – we are not saying that – it is not a matter of maturity, it just seems silly Jon should be left alone when his dad and I worked in town, wanted to spend time with him, and could help him with his homework.” She relented and let Cal and I keep Jon after school, though we could not take him to our work. That was fine – Jon and I often went to the library or park until his mom or stepdad got home from work. Jon also told me a few things too.
Once, in the car after school, Jon and I were discussing honesty. I had bought Jon a cheap pack of cars and gave them to him for doing well on his homework. He was afraid to tell his mom where he got them from; he was trying to come up with a story to tell her. I told him he shouldn’t tell a lie – honesty is always the best policy. I asked him why he wanted to lie about where he got them from. I had a sneaking suspicion that because they were from me, Sharon would not be happy. Soon he was telling me about a recent incident. He had checked 3 books out of the library for his mom – one was about West Nile virus, one was about child safety, and I cannot remember the third book – something totally unrelated to the other 2. I was with him when he did this, and I tried to convince not to check out the books. At first, I couldn’t understand why he wanted to check out books way beyond his reading level. He told me they were for his mom. I looked over the books – of course the child safety one caught my eye. I asked if he was sure him mom would be interested in these books – he said she would be very interested. I then urged him to think it over as I held up the child safety book. Wouldn’t this hurt his mom’s feelings? He assured me she was interested in the books, so I let him check them out and then forgot about it. He gave the books to his mom, turned to do the dishes and when he turned back around, his mom was crying. He asked her what was wrong – was it because of the library books? He also told her I had warned him against giving her the books. She told him it was not because of the book; it was because I said mean things about her or that I called her bad names, I am not sure which or both. She also told him that the big argument she had in the summer with Cal and I was because we did not think she was being a good mom. She then told him that “Jane is just jealous of me. She wants what I have – you.”
Again, I was flabbergasted, speechless for a moment. Why would a mother say that to her son? Wouldn’t that scare him? Didn’t she care about his feelings? She put him in a place where he had to choose between me and her – that was not right. I gathered my thoughts, told Jon that yes, we had been in an argument with his mom, I suppose I did say some mean things to her but only because she said mean things to me and his dad – sometimes that is what happens when people argue. Perhaps I shouldn’t have said that. I also told him the argument wasn’t about his mom being good or bad; it was that she did not want him going to work with his dad anymore, and that is why he hadn’t been. I let him know that I loved him, I was happy being his stepmom (or soon to be), and I was not jealous of his mom; I knew I was not his mom and I never wanted him to feel he had to choose between us – his mom came first. I wanted to make him feel safe. I dropped him off and went and cried to Cal. I couldn’t understand why Sharon was so rotten. I still can’t.
Jon wanting to spend more time with us, the big argument, and all that came from it, pushed Cal to start court proceedings in order to get more parenting time. Sharon saw the push to get more time with Jon as an insult against her – it was all about her. She loudly asked over and over in the lawyer’s office, “Why are you doing this to ME?” Cal wasn’t doing anything to her – he simply wanted more time with his son. It took almost a year to get anything resolved. After one dramatic meeting in the lawyer’s office, many postponed court dates, confusion and frustration, and a Halloween that Jon was supposed to spend with Cal, was actually, per Sharon’s demands, spent hiding from us when went to pick him up, Cal and Sharon were finally shuffled to mediation. I had to sit outside the meditation room, anxiously waiting and listening to Sharon’s self-centered nonsense. Cal got a little more parenting time but not much, hardly worth the fight and our time.
Through it all, Cal and I tried to protect Jon, but Sharon would tell him things she shouldn’t, and he would get stressed which affected how he felt about spending time with us. We still tried to do as much as we could with Jon, and we have been lucky enough to go on some wonderful family trips (mostly camping trips around our home state). We like to take trips and we include Jon because we enjoy spending time as a family. Sharon did not do much of this with Jon or her daughter – “to each his own” is how I looked at it. Over time Cal and I got the feeling she was jealous of our trips. She would always raise a fuss about vacation times – arguing over what constitutes a vacation, threatening that Cal could not have Jon during the times we requested, or trying to shorten Cal’s time any way possible, usually demanding we bring Jon back early. We took Jon to Canada once for a day trip – on our way back she happened to call to yell at Cal for some reason, and then snottily told him she could haul him into court for taking Jon over the border without her permission.
Once we went to Disney World and on the Disney cruise to the Bahamas. We planned it two years in advance. We kept it from Jon in case Sharon pulled her usual shenanigans. She agreed to let us take Jon on the trip but as it got closer, she realized we were serious about going. We soon found out she was planning her own trip to Disney with her family. This was introduced at the conference we had in her backyard over Jon participating in that after school activity. I saw her shoot Doug a warning look when she brought up her supposed Disney trip. A look that conveyed, ‘I know I haven’t told you about this yet – don’t act surprised, don’t say anything.’ It seemed like she was trying to pooh-pooh our trip when she stated “He will just be going again a few months later.” Cal had court papers drawn up to guarantee we could take Jon out of school for a week and out of the country. He was still afraid Sharon would change her mind, which would be terrible after we paid for Jon to go.
We continued to keep the trip a secret from Jon because we didn’t want to him to get too excited too far in advance. His fifth-grade teacher asked us not to tell him until right before the trip so he would be able to concentrate on his schoolwork. Well, that plan was foiled when Sharon felt the need to tell Jon all about her planned Disney trip even though it was a long way off – about a year away and six months after our trip. I bet his teacher loved that! It was almost like she had to be first to offer a Disney trip even if the trip itself was after ours. The kicker to this story is what Sharon told a mutual acquaintance when she got back from her trip. She told this friend all about her trip and said, “I think Jon had more fun on our trip than he did with his dad and Jane.” Wow – competitive much? I wanted Jon to have fun on both trips and I’m sure he did. To me it wasn’t a competition. It was just something fun we wanted to do.
Unfortunately, the nonsense never ends with Sharon and as much as Cal or I tried to protect Jon from harm, we couldn’t protect him from his own mother – her poor behavior and attitude, the bad things she said (says) about us, and her influence. This is very frustrating. This was brought home for me when once I was sitting with Jon and his half-sister Donna. The little girl was all of five but felt the need to tell me, “My mom hates Jon’s dad.” Once again I was dumbstruck. I looked at Jon and he looked very uncomfortable, tense. He did not say a word. This moment was very telling, very upsetting. It confirmed my worst suspicions of Sharon – she had no qualms about saying bad things about us, or displaying how she felt about us, to her children. I played it down; I told the little girl that sometimes happens when people get divorced. Why would a mother want to model hate to her children? Why would she create an uncomfortable environment for her son, for it must be uncomfortable for Jon to live with people that hate someone he loves, and talk of it in front of him and/or his sister. The hate must have been pretty strong for a five year old to pick up on. It still upsets me to this day.
Always up to shenanigans, Sharon requested a meeting with Cal in 2008. She did not tell him what she wanted to meet with him about and refused to have the conversation via email. Cal and I both met with her at a McDonalds. I wasn’t sure if I was to be included in the meeting, but since we were coming from a long day at work and school, I didn’t want to drop him off and come back to get him. Plus I had reservations about leaving him alone with Sharon – not because I am the jealous type or feared he still had feelings for his ex, but because she is a bully.
Sharon wanted to meet with Cal to see if he would agree to give up his parenting time with Jon (then 14 years old). I was aghast at the notion, livid that she would ask and that she had wasted our time on something that should have been dealt via email. We had fought so hard to get extra time with Jon, and always had to fight to keep Sharon from intruding on our time. Her reasoning was that Jon’s school schedule would soon be so full that he would not be able to do all his activities because he had to ‘visit’ his dad. Without court ordered parenting time, Jon could decide when to visit his dad. According to her, he would be at our house all the time because he loved it there. We ran through scenarios – what if Jon decided he wanted to come over, but we weren’t available or couldn’t pick him up. It was a bad idea. We brought up the past – all the times she had denied Cal parenting time because it was inconvenient for her, or she was being spiteful. The discussion got heated – I had to tap Cal on the leg to get him to lean back and calm down. I told Sharon what I thought of her and her idea in a nutshell, “You are a liar. We can’t trust you not to lie and manipulate the situation. How do we know you will ever let Jon come to see us?” Of course she didn’t like that. It was then she told me she did not care what I thought. I asked her what would happen if we did not agree with her idea, thinking about all the times she badmouthed us to Jon, times she manipulated him into doing what she wanted; I also thought about court – she was not above surprising Cal with a court case. Sharon said nothing would happen; she left soon after. Cal and I were very angry – her suggestion basically made us and our time with Jon out to be an inconvenience. Cal said she probably just wanted him to agree to drop the parenting time from the court order, and then take him to court to raise child support, hoping she would get more money. He was right. The next month he received a subpoena from Sharon to appear in court for an evaluation of child support. That seemed to be her motive all along. Money. She rarely ever seemed to care about what was best for Jon.
Jacquelyn's Space 