Jacquelyn's Space

Ha! I was going through some old emails. I don’t know why exactly…wait, yes I do. Lately I have been thinking about the 2 memoirs I want to write so I suppose that is what prompted me to go through some of my old stuff. I came across an old email I sent my husband’s ex-wife. She had a fucking fit because my husband (then fiancé) handed her a calendar of when we wanted Jordan the summer we got married. She called my fiancé up on the phone and yelled at him. If she ever wonders why I said the things I said and wrote the things I wrote, well that’s it in a nutshell. She felt it was ok to call Chuck to yell at him, or go to his work to yell at him; she treated him horribly. I guess I felt she needed a taste of what she was dishing out. She is just lucky I never called her or went to her workplace to yell at her. Here is the email I sent her back in 2007:

“I just wanted to write you about my feelings since we don’t speak, and to tell the truth I am so angry right now I don’t think I could speak in a civil manner to you. Not to mention the fact that from my experiences with you, I have gathered that you are an unreasonable person – you do not want to hear what someone has to say unless they are in agreement with you. Well, sorry but I have to get this out and we all need to make a change.

I want to know what is your problem? Why do you always have to treat Chuck so discourteously? What has he ever done to you? Has he been a deadbeat father? Has he treated you with disrespect? Did he cheat on you when you two were married? From what I know you were the one that disrespected him and cheated on him. Did he beat you? (and don’t tell me he was abusive to you, that is laughable, he wouldn’t hurt a fly)So what is it? What has he done that he deserves such treatment from you? To be called and yelled at because he gave you a schedule of the days we wanted with Jordan this summer. Isn’t that what you wanted? You can’t seriously expect us to consult you about when we schedule our wedding and vacations. Have you ever consulted Chuck about when you take a vacation with Jordan, etc? No, I don’t think you ever have. You hardly ever consult with Chuck about anything concerning Jordan unless you want money. To me, your attitude seems to be ‘I make all decisions concerning Jordan, just give me money’. It should not work that way, Jordan has two parents, and I am not talking about you and his step-father. I am talking about you and Chuck. If you want to sit down and talk things over with Chuck that is great, but you need to be willing to listen and compromise not just cram what you want down Chuck’s throat.

You had the nerve to tell him you never yell at him. What? I have been sitting next to him many, many times when you have called him to bitch him out about anything under the sun. I have heard you yelling over the phone, even after I left the room so I would not get upset. Not to mention the times you have come up to his work to bitch him out. I am not his only witness either, other people at DVA have witnessed it and told me about it after the fact. So I want to know why. I mean, you left him, right? Why do you act like he is the one that did you wrong? Did you think he was going to fall off the face of the earth after you divorced him? Is that his sin, that he didn’t fall off the earth? He has moved on with his life and has tried to do what is best for Jordan. Why can’t you get over it? He is not going to disappear from Jordan’s life because it threatens you that he is still in Jordan’s life (and me too). You have to deal with it in a better way than calling Chuck up and yelling because something is not going right in your life at the time. Grow up and get some counseling so you can learn to deal with your anger in a constructive way.

Ok, another question since you seem to think that Chuck has not thought about you and your family. Has there ever been a time when Chuck has not been accommodating to changes you wanted in his parenting time? He has always been willing to trade week-ends with you or let you have Jordan (on his week-end)for family functions. Also, Jordan is with your family (and you to) most Sundays. Even on a Fathers Day week-end one year, he let you take Jordan out of town after you put him on the spot when you asked. Or what about this past Christmas? After you fussed about dividing up the holidays so Jordan wouldn’t be back and forth over the holidays you wanted to change things to accommodate your family functions. Chuck has always been more than willing to change things around when you ask, for Jordan’s sake. Has he received the same courtesy from you? No, he has not. The times you have been decent and accommodating gets thrown up in his face but for the most part (oh yeah and the time you admitted to him that you had been petty in the past about stuff but he shouldn’t be the same way – no apology from you, that was rich)he has been treated with a disrespectful attitude ‘how dare you even ask’, yelled at, insulted, and then you started putting Jordan in the middle of these disputes. You try to manipulate Jordan into doing what you want, if that doesn’t work you throw a fit. I would venture to guess that you have told Jordan numerous lies about Chuck and I or at the very least tried to make Jordan feel bad for wanting to spend time with us.

I am not trying to insult you in writing this letter but I am trying to get you to think about your past actions and then think about what we can do to make the future better. Jordan deserves parents who can communicate without yelling at each other. The only yelling I ever hear starts with you. It needs to stop. I am not going to let you treat Chuck like that. Chuck and I are going to be married. You are not going to yell at my husband. Does Chuck ever call you and start yelling? No, he does not. How would you feel if some woman called your husband and started yelling at him? I don’t think you would put up with it. You will treat Chuck with respect. If you are angry with him, either count to 50 and get over it or write him an email. There is no need to call him. Jordan does not need to hear your crap, and Chuck and I don’t need to hear from you if you can’t talk in a normal, rational tone. Is this asking for too much?

Here are some other things I have been thinking about that I think you need to know. First of all, I am not going anywhere. I am a part of your son’s life and will continue to be. Chuck and I will be married in a month. We are a team and I do and will continue to have input in things concerning your son, our family and what goes on in our home, and transportation. I will be at school functions. No need to look all bent out of shape about it all the time because it is not going to change. Know this though, I realize that I am not Jordan’s mom and I do not want to be. He has a mother. I do care about Jordan and I do want what is best for him. Just realize that what Chuck and I think is best for Jordan is not always what you think is best for Jordan. This is not a bad thing but we do need to be able to deal with it in a mature manner, without yelling, lies and manipulations. I hate being lied to and cannot have any respect for you until you can learn to deal with Chuck and I in a truthful and mature manner. Second, we need to be able to communicate as well. I think the better we (you and I and well as you and Chuck) get along the better it will be for Jordan. Do you really want to go on hating Chuck and I for the rest of your life? It is not healthy, and do you really want this bad attitude of yours to rub off on your grandchildren?

Don’t you think it is best for Jordan that we all get along? What needs to be done for this to happen? If you want to talk to Chuck you need to be willing to listen as well. You need to control your anger. Chuck is not a doormat for you to walk all over and wipe your feet on. What I want is for Jordan to have both his parents input in his upbringing, as well as input from his step-parents. I want Jordan to have a good relationship with his father and his fathers family without interference from a jealous mother. I want Jordan to see both sets of parents behaving in a mature, respectful manner. This should not mean that one parent has to be a doormat for the other. Does all this make sense?

In a nutshell this is what I expect,

You do not call Chuck or go to his workplace and yell at him. If you are angry or have a problem with him, email him or wait until you can control yourself and then call Chuck to set up a meeting.

If you have a problem with me, please address that problem to me. Feel free to email me.

You and Chuck both need to set some ground rules about how you want to communicate to each other concerning schedules, school functions, school issues, anything concerning Jordan. Set the rules and then you and Dan as well as Chuck and I need to follow them. Just know that it works both ways. If Jordan handing you a calender about when we wanted him in the summer was that much a problem with you, what is going to work in the future?

We want to be informed about things in Jordan’s life. Do not try to push us out as you have done in the past.”

I feel I was quite civilized and to the point.