Jacquelyn's Space

Another good email, also to my husband’s ex-wife. I can’t remember if I sent it or just published it on my blog. I hope I sent it, it’s a great letter.

“OK, you brought me into this so now you are going to hear from me.

First I am going to address your insinuation that I wrote emails to you that were from Chuck. First, I am not buying that you based that assumption from something Jordan said. It is nice of you to implicate Jordan in this mess but I do believe you assumed I wrote the emails, and not because of anything Jordan told you. I am not even buying the fact that this was all part of something you were trying to teach us in regards to making assumptions. I assume otherwise, as is my right. You may have wanted to prove a point but you are way off the mark here. For one thing, how many unfounded assumptions have you had concerning me and Chuck that you have told Jordan about, and Lord knows who else? Second, why involve me in this mess if you don’t care about what I think (that includes my assumptions), and as I was not mentioned in Chuck’s initial emails, nor have I spoken or written (recently) on the matters at hand.

If I have something to say to you, you know I seldom hesitate to make my feelings known and own up to them. When all this started I was finishing up my semester of 16 credit hours and in the middle of working on 3 huge papers and a presentation, so needless to say I didn’t have time for your games let alone to read through your contradictory emails. I did not know Chuck even sent the first email and when Chuck did apprise me of what was going on my advice to him was to not bother emailing you back. My advice was to just go ahead and file the vacation papers (if that is what he felt was best), file a complaint with FOC about you not getting back to him in a timely manner, and push for mediation over the whole issue about Jordan’s activities getting in the way of parenting time. I did not realize Christmas was or would become an issue as it is spelled out in the parenting time agreement and set up according to guidelines that YOU wanted.

As for you thinking Chuck is somehow controlled by me there is this; Chuck and I have been together for almost 10 years and we have been through a lot of stuff together. If it seems like we think alike, or write alike it is because we have a close relationship and a strong bond. I am sure we both influence each other. I am sorry that apparently bothers you but that is what happens in a relationship where there is good communication. So to recap the previous paragraph: in this instance Chuck did not solicit my advice concerning the first email; I did not even know about it until after he sent it. He did not follow my advice (as is his choice and right, after all it is about his son which is principally his concern). As for the second email (and all the following emails between you and him), I did read it, I told him that I didn’t think you were angry in your email (initially anyway, now I begin to feel otherwise), that he should change that part of it if he sent it. However, I was angry about your cavalier attitude in responding to Chuck and his concerns – you can take months to get back to him simply because you are ‘annoyed’ where if Chuck tried to pull that he would be called and yelled at and belittled (or at least called multiple times until you got an answer). I then told him he should not bother emailing you – just file the vacation papers, file a complaint, and try to go to mediation again. Chuck, nice guy that he is wanted listen to your point of view and work things out. So he talked to you on the phone, and was willing to work with you on getting Jordan to both his family functions on Saturday – ON HIS TIME. You being who you are just had to get that little extra dig in – do you think that did Jordan any good?

As for Christmas, that should not have been an issue. To use your own words, “Stop trying to create drama where there is none.” We never had an issue with you having Jordan on Christmas as it was your year to have him. Again, the Christmas vacation is divided up according to guidelines you wanted. I am sorry that you did not get it right on the calendar, and that you planned your holiday according to your incorrect assumptions, but that is neither Chuck’s nor my problem. I thought as Chuck did, that the calendar was just made to inform us of Jordan’s band activities. We did not look at the calendar past November (as it was not all inclusive of Jordan’s activities), and stopped using it when Jordan broke his collar bone. Any calendar exchanged should just be looked at as a helpful tool of communication, not as a binding agreement. It was you that assumed otherwise and flew off the handle when Chuck first starting utilizing a calendar to inform you of when we wanted our summer vacations with Jordan.

To me this whole contretemps before Christmas is a big mess, full of misunderstandings, and you just being mean for the sake of pure meanness. What is your problem? Are you bored, dissatisfied with life, or do just need to raise a ruckus once in a while to feel whole? Please let me know, I don’t want to make assumptions but “I am however trying to better understand you and your viewpoint” and really all you give me to go on most of the time is bad behavior. What am I to make of it? Put yourself in my – or better yet Chuck’s shoes (don’t bother trying to understand my view point, you will never be able to) and then think back on this last incident and all the ones prior – going back years. If you have a decent memory and are honest with yourself (HAHA big laugh) you might begin to see why we feel the way we do.

“I am tired of both you and Jackie assuming you know me or anything about my life and from this point on could really care less if you get it or not.” Now I am going to address this statement. First of all, you are making a few assumptions there yourself. Chuck or I never intimated we know you or about your life now, or that we even care. It is you that shares extraneous things about your life with Chuck on the phone, is it not? Chuck could care less. The only thing Chuck and I are and have ever been concerned with is your treatment of us, and what you say to or the ways you involve Jordan in parenting matters and disputes. That is all. We could care less about you or your life otherwise. You do not know everything we think about you, so it seems to me you are assuming that everything we think about you is very bad. Whatever would have given you that idea?

That brings me to my next point, again started off with your own words. “As far as working with you I have been going out of my way, not that you have even noticed or given me credit for it for the last year in an effort to make things more amicable” Oh we noticed. You just assumed we did not notice because we have not fawned over you because of it. So what do you want – a cookie, a gold star? Do you really think you deserve one for doing (for a few months) what you should have been doing all along? Does Chuck ever get any gold stars or credit that he has bent over backwards trying to make things work with you, for Jordan’s sake? OK, I am fresh out of gold stars but I will give you one as soon as I have it. I will give 2 gold stars to Chuck for having to deal with you and 3 gold stars to Jordan for having to live with you.

Do you really expect us to be appreciative of your improved behavior towards us, especially when it does not last? I hate to say it is a ‘little too little too late’ but I feel that somewhat. We assumed that you would revert back and at some point disrespect and insult us. I guess we assumed correctly on that. The way we have been treated in the past, and again right before Christmas proves that this is the way things will always be with you. We cannot trust you, we cannot trust to be treated with fairness, kindness and respect from you. “As far as working with you I have been going out of my way, not that you have even noticed or given me credit for it, for the last year in an effort to make things more amicable. I will continue to do so.” That is good and it will certainly make dealings easier but Chuck and I cannot assume this will continue, simply because you state it or tried to work on it for a few months. I am sure we would certainly appreciate you trying though. Would it make you feel any better if we instituted a reward program? How would you like to be rewarded, and how often? As for me, I will need to see it in action for a long time, without a relapse before I could ever begin to trust you. Believe me when I say that I would like to trust you and it would be great if everyone who cares about Jordan had good relationships with each other. Never assume I (or Chuck) do not appreciate it, even if I am silent on the matter. Also, even if I do not appreciate it, I am sure Jordan does. If all else fails do it for you – doesn’t feel good inside to be nice? At the very least you can brag to anyone who will listen about how good you are and it may not be a lie.

“I cannot control how you perceive things” Now here is a statement of yours that I can agree with. You are right, you cannot control how Chuck or I perceive things which includes how we perceive your behavior, your treatment of us, your way of involving Jordan in disputes that he should not be involved in, and your way of parenting. So why does it seem to me that this last episode was just a way of you trying to manipulate or control us? Chuck and I are going to think what we think no matter how you try to tell us to think or not think, no matter how much you try to implicate Jordan in your games and lies or try to make us believe that Jordan lies about everything.

“We would probably get along better if you would stop accusing me of things that don’t exist” What exactly has Chuck (or I) accused you of?

Oh, and by the way, I write above the level of a college junior and have been for a long time now. If you want to get down to the nitty gritty, according to my Lit professor I am writing graduate level stuff. Besides, I find it interesting that you would know that I am a junior in college I don’t go around announcing that fact, and I don’t think Jordan and I ever had the conversation, nor does Jordan particularly care where I am at in my college education.

Here’s a lesson for you – Don’t try to define someone by their level of education, their job, how much money they make, or their relationship(s) – past or present.”