Jacquelyn's Space

THIS STILL STANDS. I haven’t had any interaction with this person since 2012 but of course she is still being all that she can be. You’d think 10 years and a pandemic might change a person for the better but I guess not. I am always willing, despite weighty doubts and giant mistrust, to give people another chance but not everyone has the heart that I do.

from July 16, 2010:

Well I have to get this out there. I dislike very few people, really….once I am able to talk to a person on a one on one basis I am able to find some common ground with them. The only reason I ever feel dislike (or some would say animosity) towards a person is when they hurt someone I love repeatedly and/or also constantly lie and manipulate just to get their way in things. That is wrong and that type of person can never be trusted, you know what I mean? Jealousy never enters in my like or dislike for a person. I am usually able to overcome my own foibles in order to foster good relationships with people. However there are a few people that I do dislike for the reasons I mentioned above – they have tried to hurt someone I love (more than once), they have lied (more than once), and they manipulate situations solely for their own benefit not much thinking of others.

My husband’s ex-wife is such a one as this. She once told her son I disliked her or was mad at her because I was ‘just jealous’ of her (because I wanted what she had – him!). No, I simply dislike her becuase of the way she treats my husband, the father of her child. I dislike her because by treating the father of her child badly, in addition to telling numerous lies to Lord only knows how many people about my husband and me too, plus saying wholly inappropriate things about me and my husband to her child (our child), she does her own son (children) a great disservice. Truly. This disturbs me. Every time she lies and I find out about it, or she says something bad to my stepson about us it just brings up all the past ills and wrongs she has done. This fosters a great dislike in me for her and makes me want to combat this any way I can. The only way I know how is to write out what I am feeling. So today I am just sayin…just putting it out there – I never dislike someone simply because of jealousy or my own judgment/prejudices. I form dislikes of people based on my experiences with them and their own bad, bad behavior.

To add to my little explanation of my dislike for this woman: not only has she treated my husband badly, lied to us and about us, etc. she always seems to be trying to do whatever she can to take parenting time away from us. It seems every time summer rolls around she is fighting us about spending any time (over and above the every other week-end) with our stepson in the summer. That is what spurred this little blog – another instance of her ‘screwing’ us out of time for no good reason. There is not much I can do about it but like I said it helps for me to write (and vent through writing). It is also my hope that the more I write about my experiences as a stepmother, the more I write out the story of my husbands dealings with his ex perhaps I will find a way to help someone else who is experiencing the same problems.

So, Im just sayin’ I have reasons for my dislike and a reason for writing about it. She has tried to blame my dislike on something within me (deflect the blame away from her – typical I guess) but my dislike for her lies solely in her behavior and treatment of people I love and care about. If I have to write out all instances I can remember of what made me dislike her I will because what she has done, what she does, is wrong, and hurtful and I am not going to let her sweep it under the rug, forget about it, pretend it never happened or try to blame it on someone else. I am the type of person who believes that by calling a person out on their bad behavior just might eventually bring about a change or at least let the offender know that what they are doing is unacceptable and is not going to be taken lying down. Plus things that she has done and does often hurts her own son and that is something I cannot forgive or forget.

Another good email, also to my husband’s ex-wife. I can’t remember if I sent it or just published it on my blog. I hope I sent it, it’s a great letter.

“OK, you brought me into this so now you are going to hear from me.

First I am going to address your insinuation that I wrote emails to you that were from Chuck. First, I am not buying that you based that assumption from something Jordan said. It is nice of you to implicate Jordan in this mess but I do believe you assumed I wrote the emails, and not because of anything Jordan told you. I am not even buying the fact that this was all part of something you were trying to teach us in regards to making assumptions. I assume otherwise, as is my right. You may have wanted to prove a point but you are way off the mark here. For one thing, how many unfounded assumptions have you had concerning me and Chuck that you have told Jordan about, and Lord knows who else? Second, why involve me in this mess if you don’t care about what I think (that includes my assumptions), and as I was not mentioned in Chuck’s initial emails, nor have I spoken or written (recently) on the matters at hand.

If I have something to say to you, you know I seldom hesitate to make my feelings known and own up to them. When all this started I was finishing up my semester of 16 credit hours and in the middle of working on 3 huge papers and a presentation, so needless to say I didn’t have time for your games let alone to read through your contradictory emails. I did not know Chuck even sent the first email and when Chuck did apprise me of what was going on my advice to him was to not bother emailing you back. My advice was to just go ahead and file the vacation papers (if that is what he felt was best), file a complaint with FOC about you not getting back to him in a timely manner, and push for mediation over the whole issue about Jordan’s activities getting in the way of parenting time. I did not realize Christmas was or would become an issue as it is spelled out in the parenting time agreement and set up according to guidelines that YOU wanted.

As for you thinking Chuck is somehow controlled by me there is this; Chuck and I have been together for almost 10 years and we have been through a lot of stuff together. If it seems like we think alike, or write alike it is because we have a close relationship and a strong bond. I am sure we both influence each other. I am sorry that apparently bothers you but that is what happens in a relationship where there is good communication. So to recap the previous paragraph: in this instance Chuck did not solicit my advice concerning the first email; I did not even know about it until after he sent it. He did not follow my advice (as is his choice and right, after all it is about his son which is principally his concern). As for the second email (and all the following emails between you and him), I did read it, I told him that I didn’t think you were angry in your email (initially anyway, now I begin to feel otherwise), that he should change that part of it if he sent it. However, I was angry about your cavalier attitude in responding to Chuck and his concerns – you can take months to get back to him simply because you are ‘annoyed’ where if Chuck tried to pull that he would be called and yelled at and belittled (or at least called multiple times until you got an answer). I then told him he should not bother emailing you – just file the vacation papers, file a complaint, and try to go to mediation again. Chuck, nice guy that he is wanted listen to your point of view and work things out. So he talked to you on the phone, and was willing to work with you on getting Jordan to both his family functions on Saturday – ON HIS TIME. You being who you are just had to get that little extra dig in – do you think that did Jordan any good?

As for Christmas, that should not have been an issue. To use your own words, “Stop trying to create drama where there is none.” We never had an issue with you having Jordan on Christmas as it was your year to have him. Again, the Christmas vacation is divided up according to guidelines you wanted. I am sorry that you did not get it right on the calendar, and that you planned your holiday according to your incorrect assumptions, but that is neither Chuck’s nor my problem. I thought as Chuck did, that the calendar was just made to inform us of Jordan’s band activities. We did not look at the calendar past November (as it was not all inclusive of Jordan’s activities), and stopped using it when Jordan broke his collar bone. Any calendar exchanged should just be looked at as a helpful tool of communication, not as a binding agreement. It was you that assumed otherwise and flew off the handle when Chuck first starting utilizing a calendar to inform you of when we wanted our summer vacations with Jordan.

To me this whole contretemps before Christmas is a big mess, full of misunderstandings, and you just being mean for the sake of pure meanness. What is your problem? Are you bored, dissatisfied with life, or do just need to raise a ruckus once in a while to feel whole? Please let me know, I don’t want to make assumptions but “I am however trying to better understand you and your viewpoint” and really all you give me to go on most of the time is bad behavior. What am I to make of it? Put yourself in my – or better yet Chuck’s shoes (don’t bother trying to understand my view point, you will never be able to) and then think back on this last incident and all the ones prior – going back years. If you have a decent memory and are honest with yourself (HAHA big laugh) you might begin to see why we feel the way we do.

“I am tired of both you and Jackie assuming you know me or anything about my life and from this point on could really care less if you get it or not.” Now I am going to address this statement. First of all, you are making a few assumptions there yourself. Chuck or I never intimated we know you or about your life now, or that we even care. It is you that shares extraneous things about your life with Chuck on the phone, is it not? Chuck could care less. The only thing Chuck and I are and have ever been concerned with is your treatment of us, and what you say to or the ways you involve Jordan in parenting matters and disputes. That is all. We could care less about you or your life otherwise. You do not know everything we think about you, so it seems to me you are assuming that everything we think about you is very bad. Whatever would have given you that idea?

That brings me to my next point, again started off with your own words. “As far as working with you I have been going out of my way, not that you have even noticed or given me credit for it for the last year in an effort to make things more amicable” Oh we noticed. You just assumed we did not notice because we have not fawned over you because of it. So what do you want – a cookie, a gold star? Do you really think you deserve one for doing (for a few months) what you should have been doing all along? Does Chuck ever get any gold stars or credit that he has bent over backwards trying to make things work with you, for Jordan’s sake? OK, I am fresh out of gold stars but I will give you one as soon as I have it. I will give 2 gold stars to Chuck for having to deal with you and 3 gold stars to Jordan for having to live with you.

Do you really expect us to be appreciative of your improved behavior towards us, especially when it does not last? I hate to say it is a ‘little too little too late’ but I feel that somewhat. We assumed that you would revert back and at some point disrespect and insult us. I guess we assumed correctly on that. The way we have been treated in the past, and again right before Christmas proves that this is the way things will always be with you. We cannot trust you, we cannot trust to be treated with fairness, kindness and respect from you. “As far as working with you I have been going out of my way, not that you have even noticed or given me credit for it, for the last year in an effort to make things more amicable. I will continue to do so.” That is good and it will certainly make dealings easier but Chuck and I cannot assume this will continue, simply because you state it or tried to work on it for a few months. I am sure we would certainly appreciate you trying though. Would it make you feel any better if we instituted a reward program? How would you like to be rewarded, and how often? As for me, I will need to see it in action for a long time, without a relapse before I could ever begin to trust you. Believe me when I say that I would like to trust you and it would be great if everyone who cares about Jordan had good relationships with each other. Never assume I (or Chuck) do not appreciate it, even if I am silent on the matter. Also, even if I do not appreciate it, I am sure Jordan does. If all else fails do it for you – doesn’t feel good inside to be nice? At the very least you can brag to anyone who will listen about how good you are and it may not be a lie.

“I cannot control how you perceive things” Now here is a statement of yours that I can agree with. You are right, you cannot control how Chuck or I perceive things which includes how we perceive your behavior, your treatment of us, your way of involving Jordan in disputes that he should not be involved in, and your way of parenting. So why does it seem to me that this last episode was just a way of you trying to manipulate or control us? Chuck and I are going to think what we think no matter how you try to tell us to think or not think, no matter how much you try to implicate Jordan in your games and lies or try to make us believe that Jordan lies about everything.

“We would probably get along better if you would stop accusing me of things that don’t exist” What exactly has Chuck (or I) accused you of?

Oh, and by the way, I write above the level of a college junior and have been for a long time now. If you want to get down to the nitty gritty, according to my Lit professor I am writing graduate level stuff. Besides, I find it interesting that you would know that I am a junior in college I don’t go around announcing that fact, and I don’t think Jordan and I ever had the conversation, nor does Jordan particularly care where I am at in my college education.

Here’s a lesson for you – Don’t try to define someone by their level of education, their job, how much money they make, or their relationship(s) – past or present.”

Ha! I was going through some old emails. I don’t know why exactly…wait, yes I do. Lately I have been thinking about the 2 memoirs I want to write so I suppose that is what prompted me to go through some of my old stuff. I came across an old email I sent my husband’s ex-wife. She had a fucking fit because my husband (then fiancé) handed her a calendar of when we wanted Jordan the summer we got married. She called my fiancé up on the phone and yelled at him. If she ever wonders why I said the things I said and wrote the things I wrote, well that’s it in a nutshell. She felt it was ok to call Chuck to yell at him, or go to his work to yell at him; she treated him horribly. I guess I felt she needed a taste of what she was dishing out. She is just lucky I never called her or went to her workplace to yell at her. Here is the email I sent her back in 2007:

“I just wanted to write you about my feelings since we don’t speak, and to tell the truth I am so angry right now I don’t think I could speak in a civil manner to you. Not to mention the fact that from my experiences with you, I have gathered that you are an unreasonable person – you do not want to hear what someone has to say unless they are in agreement with you. Well, sorry but I have to get this out and we all need to make a change.

I want to know what is your problem? Why do you always have to treat Chuck so discourteously? What has he ever done to you? Has he been a deadbeat father? Has he treated you with disrespect? Did he cheat on you when you two were married? From what I know you were the one that disrespected him and cheated on him. Did he beat you? (and don’t tell me he was abusive to you, that is laughable, he wouldn’t hurt a fly)So what is it? What has he done that he deserves such treatment from you? To be called and yelled at because he gave you a schedule of the days we wanted with Jordan this summer. Isn’t that what you wanted? You can’t seriously expect us to consult you about when we schedule our wedding and vacations. Have you ever consulted Chuck about when you take a vacation with Jordan, etc? No, I don’t think you ever have. You hardly ever consult with Chuck about anything concerning Jordan unless you want money. To me, your attitude seems to be ‘I make all decisions concerning Jordan, just give me money’. It should not work that way, Jordan has two parents, and I am not talking about you and his step-father. I am talking about you and Chuck. If you want to sit down and talk things over with Chuck that is great, but you need to be willing to listen and compromise not just cram what you want down Chuck’s throat.

You had the nerve to tell him you never yell at him. What? I have been sitting next to him many, many times when you have called him to bitch him out about anything under the sun. I have heard you yelling over the phone, even after I left the room so I would not get upset. Not to mention the times you have come up to his work to bitch him out. I am not his only witness either, other people at DVA have witnessed it and told me about it after the fact. So I want to know why. I mean, you left him, right? Why do you act like he is the one that did you wrong? Did you think he was going to fall off the face of the earth after you divorced him? Is that his sin, that he didn’t fall off the earth? He has moved on with his life and has tried to do what is best for Jordan. Why can’t you get over it? He is not going to disappear from Jordan’s life because it threatens you that he is still in Jordan’s life (and me too). You have to deal with it in a better way than calling Chuck up and yelling because something is not going right in your life at the time. Grow up and get some counseling so you can learn to deal with your anger in a constructive way.

Ok, another question since you seem to think that Chuck has not thought about you and your family. Has there ever been a time when Chuck has not been accommodating to changes you wanted in his parenting time? He has always been willing to trade week-ends with you or let you have Jordan (on his week-end)for family functions. Also, Jordan is with your family (and you to) most Sundays. Even on a Fathers Day week-end one year, he let you take Jordan out of town after you put him on the spot when you asked. Or what about this past Christmas? After you fussed about dividing up the holidays so Jordan wouldn’t be back and forth over the holidays you wanted to change things to accommodate your family functions. Chuck has always been more than willing to change things around when you ask, for Jordan’s sake. Has he received the same courtesy from you? No, he has not. The times you have been decent and accommodating gets thrown up in his face but for the most part (oh yeah and the time you admitted to him that you had been petty in the past about stuff but he shouldn’t be the same way – no apology from you, that was rich)he has been treated with a disrespectful attitude ‘how dare you even ask’, yelled at, insulted, and then you started putting Jordan in the middle of these disputes. You try to manipulate Jordan into doing what you want, if that doesn’t work you throw a fit. I would venture to guess that you have told Jordan numerous lies about Chuck and I or at the very least tried to make Jordan feel bad for wanting to spend time with us.

I am not trying to insult you in writing this letter but I am trying to get you to think about your past actions and then think about what we can do to make the future better. Jordan deserves parents who can communicate without yelling at each other. The only yelling I ever hear starts with you. It needs to stop. I am not going to let you treat Chuck like that. Chuck and I are going to be married. You are not going to yell at my husband. Does Chuck ever call you and start yelling? No, he does not. How would you feel if some woman called your husband and started yelling at him? I don’t think you would put up with it. You will treat Chuck with respect. If you are angry with him, either count to 50 and get over it or write him an email. There is no need to call him. Jordan does not need to hear your crap, and Chuck and I don’t need to hear from you if you can’t talk in a normal, rational tone. Is this asking for too much?

Here are some other things I have been thinking about that I think you need to know. First of all, I am not going anywhere. I am a part of your son’s life and will continue to be. Chuck and I will be married in a month. We are a team and I do and will continue to have input in things concerning your son, our family and what goes on in our home, and transportation. I will be at school functions. No need to look all bent out of shape about it all the time because it is not going to change. Know this though, I realize that I am not Jordan’s mom and I do not want to be. He has a mother. I do care about Jordan and I do want what is best for him. Just realize that what Chuck and I think is best for Jordan is not always what you think is best for Jordan. This is not a bad thing but we do need to be able to deal with it in a mature manner, without yelling, lies and manipulations. I hate being lied to and cannot have any respect for you until you can learn to deal with Chuck and I in a truthful and mature manner. Second, we need to be able to communicate as well. I think the better we (you and I and well as you and Chuck) get along the better it will be for Jordan. Do you really want to go on hating Chuck and I for the rest of your life? It is not healthy, and do you really want this bad attitude of yours to rub off on your grandchildren?

Don’t you think it is best for Jordan that we all get along? What needs to be done for this to happen? If you want to talk to Chuck you need to be willing to listen as well. You need to control your anger. Chuck is not a doormat for you to walk all over and wipe your feet on. What I want is for Jordan to have both his parents input in his upbringing, as well as input from his step-parents. I want Jordan to have a good relationship with his father and his fathers family without interference from a jealous mother. I want Jordan to see both sets of parents behaving in a mature, respectful manner. This should not mean that one parent has to be a doormat for the other. Does all this make sense?

In a nutshell this is what I expect,

You do not call Chuck or go to his workplace and yell at him. If you are angry or have a problem with him, email him or wait until you can control yourself and then call Chuck to set up a meeting.

If you have a problem with me, please address that problem to me. Feel free to email me.

You and Chuck both need to set some ground rules about how you want to communicate to each other concerning schedules, school functions, school issues, anything concerning Jordan. Set the rules and then you and Dan as well as Chuck and I need to follow them. Just know that it works both ways. If Jordan handing you a calender about when we wanted him in the summer was that much a problem with you, what is going to work in the future?

We want to be informed about things in Jordan’s life. Do not try to push us out as you have done in the past.”

I feel I was quite civilized and to the point.

Where to begin? I really do not know. So many things to write about and, as usual, so little time and energy. There were so many funny things I wanted to write about since I last wrote a post in May but I have been so tired. Plus I had a few professional compliments to write about, which I always like to make note of so I can remember all that I have done and am capable of– just too damn tired. Now that has all been pushed aside, kind of blown out of the water of memory but a bunch of family drama that has going on since the middle of February. UGH. And I am still tired. More to come.