I saw 2 of my nephews riding their bikes on the way home. I recognized the back of my nephew right away. Weird because I had JUST been thinking about their mother, Nicole, and how she wanted to kill me. That was according to the boys, what they told their counselor when they were in foster care. Her mother, my nephews grandmother just died recently and I wonder if Nicole even knows because supposedly no one knows where she is or if she is alive still.
I saw my nephews, first Brent and then Alex. I recognized Brent’s backside over a bike seat, haha. Then I thought, shit, I bet their mother couldn’t even recognize them now. She hasn’t seen them in around 9 years. That is a crazy thought.
I feel bad because I had to pull away from my nephews. I did what I could for them and had to pull away when they went back to live with their father, my brother. It’s complicated. A large part of it was the drama that my brother causes or that comes with dealing with him. He takes advantage of any help given, or finds fault with the help you can give, and has trouble taking no for an answer. Help is not generally appreciated and seems to never be enough. I just had to step away from that mess because it would take over my life. I mean, having my 3 nephews live with me for 4 years pretty much took over my life at the time. I needed to go back to work full time and had to concentrate on work (I don’t have enough energy to work full time and take care of kids it seems). It was hard to step away, and I feel guilty now because they aren’t doing well but deep down I know that there is nothing I could have done to make things better. It all falls back to my brother and what kind of person he is, what kind of parent he wants to be. It all just makes sad. I feel bad for my nephews because ultimately they lose out. I know I just had to pull away or lose my health and sanity.
It’s ok. I already had practice. I had to pull away from my stepson in ways, for some of the same reasons (but to a much lesser degree–some reasons I haven’t gone into in this post) when he became a teen, more so when he got in high school. It makes you think. It makes you wonder. Is life just a series of pulling away from people?
It makes you sad.
Jacquelyn's Space 