Jacquelyn's Space

I saw 2 of my nephews riding their bikes on the way home. I recognized the back of my nephew right away. Weird because I had JUST been thinking about their mother, Nicole, and how she wanted to kill me. That was according to the boys, what they told their counselor when they were in foster care. Her mother, my nephews grandmother just died recently and I wonder if Nicole even knows because supposedly no one knows where she is or if she is alive still.

I saw my nephews, first Brent and then Alex. I recognized Brent’s backside over a bike seat, haha. Then I thought, shit, I bet their mother couldn’t even recognize them now. She hasn’t seen them in around 9 years. That is a crazy thought.

I feel bad because I had to pull away from my nephews. I did what I could for them and had to pull away when they went back to live with their father, my brother. It’s complicated. A large part of it was the drama that my brother causes or that comes with dealing with him. He takes advantage of any help given, or finds fault with the help you can give, and has trouble taking no for an answer. Help is not generally appreciated and seems to never be enough. I just had to step away from that mess because it would take over my life. I mean, having my 3 nephews live with me for 4 years pretty much took over my life at the time. I needed to go back to work full time and had to concentrate on work (I don’t have enough energy to work full time and take care of kids it seems). It was hard to step away, and I feel guilty now because they aren’t doing well but deep down I know that there is nothing I could have done to make things better. It all falls back to my brother and what kind of person he is, what kind of parent he wants to be. It all just makes sad. I feel bad for my nephews because ultimately they lose out. I know I just had to pull away or lose my health and sanity.

It’s ok. I already had practice. I had to pull away from my stepson in ways, for some of the same reasons (but to a much lesser degree–some reasons I haven’t gone into in this post) when he became a teen, more so when he got in high school. It makes you think. It makes you wonder. Is life just a series of pulling away from people?

It makes you sad.

So instead of doing housework, I have been tracing one of my lines of ancestry on my father’s side back to 1600s France. It was a brick wall, my 3rd great grandmother’s mother and her family. I figured it out early this morning (went to bed) and I started tracing the line back this afternoon. Found another Fille du Roi but then there was a 9th great grandmother that married in Canada around the time of the Fille du Roi but was not a Fille. So when or how did she immigrate? She actually came over in 1645 or 46 with her whole family! She was only about 10 years old at the time. Can you imagine making that voyage from France to New France, over the Atlantic as a young girl? WOW! How exciting…and perhaps quite scary. I wonder if she was excited or hated to leave home. She had to be brave–she was given no other choice, really. She married at 12!!

Here is a website all about her family.

https://lesarchambaultdamerique.com/news/notre-ancetre/

I had a shitty week last week. Started off the week with chest pains. I get a pain on my left upper chest because of anxiety but I didn’t think I was anxious. I took it easy Sunday and still had pain on Monday. The pains were a little different, moved lower than normal, so I got worried. I also had pains in my shoulder (which isn’t too unusual for me) and pain down my arm. Plus I had shortness of breath at times, worse on Monday. I told my boss about it and she said to have our clinic do an EKG. By the time I got back to the clinic for an EKG the pain had subsided but I thought what the hell, I should just have it done to be safe. One of the nurses (boss) in the clinic came in while they did the EKG and she wasn’t happy because she told the staff I could still be having a heart attack (elevated troponin) but not have anything show on an EKG. Well, true but I thought if my EKG was normal or abnormal I’d know a little more if I had to worry or not. Foolish me. I would hate to go to the ER for anxiety! And I wasn’t feeling anxious about anything…or so I thought. My EKG, according to the nurse practitioner, came back abnormal. She said I septal t-wave inversion and that I should go to the ER. UGH. So I went. They did an EKG–looked the same as the one I had done at work–they did bloodwork, and a chest x-ray. The ER was relatively sane when I got there, looked kind of slow, but steadily got busier as I had my tests and waited results. I guess I wasn’t there too long–I think I was in and out within 2/2.5 hours–but I finally got to see a doctor. He said my EKG was normal, which I didn’t catch at first because he was so quick and dismissive of it, and he said my troponin levels were 0 and did not indicate I was having or had a heart attack. He said he would urge me to follow up with a cardiologist because I had several risk factors but no reason to admit me to the hospital. I asked about the EKG, what would cause it to show abnormal and he said it was “people reading it” so meaning that it was read incorrectly. SIGH! A trip to the ER for nothing and I wasted everyone’s time. Plus I left work early and missed out on overtime. I wasn’t (I’m not) sure if I should trust the doctor but I am glad I didn’t have to be admitted to the hospital and that my troponin levels were normal. I still had chest pain off and on–and funny little pains too– for a few days after. I will follow up with the cardiologist they recommended but I have some things I can work on before I go. Truthfully, I’ve been feeling like shit for a long time and I think some it may be due to my asthma (diagnosed last year) but a lot of it has to do with my big belly. Also, I think the weather may be playing into my chest pain. I know it sounds silly but because this weather has been changing and the barometric pressure has been all over the place, it has been making me feel like shit. My chest pain on Monday was relieved once it started snowing that the barometric pressure stabilized or started going down.

My friend messaged me via Facebook Wednesday night. Her dad passed away suddenly, at home. This is upsetting. I’ve know her and her dad 40+ years. I haven’t seen them in recent years because of the pandemic and, well, life. She and her family live about 70-80 miles south of me and though that is not a huge distance, it is enough with our busy lives, to keep up apart. I remember her dad as a good guy. He loved his girls (3 daughters) and he was silly. He loved to watch Kung Fu movies late at night. He would always tease me about my name, he’d say, “Jackie Say! Jackie say what??” He had a beer belly that made him look pregnant so in retaliation of his twitting me about my name I’d ask when his baby was due. I remember he drove me back to my hotel after my friend’s wedding because I had too much to drink. I was down in the dumps by that point because of the alcohol and he was sweet to me. It is just so sad that he died suddenly and his family had no warning. It is difficult to deal with. No chance to say goodbye. He was 74, which seems young to me now. I know it isn’t but…IDK.

So that death and my health scare, it made me think of all the participants at work that we have lost. It was just a sad week. I was driving and crying on Thursday and Friday.

Today I am happily working on my Family Tree. It is not what I should be doing or exactly what I want to be doing but it does bring me joy, my ancestors bring me joy, especially when I break through a brick wall, which I did early this morning. So I am hoping for a better week.

I’ve been trying to get out more. That is easy to do because there is always so much going on. My husband and I have been to 2 free concerts at the Flint Institute of Music. I have already written about one. The other free concert we attended was in March. It was a duo of performers: an accordion player and a guitar player. I think the concert was titled “Music of the Night.”

“Flint School of Performing Arts – Faculty Concert featuring Dr. Quincy Dobbs and Steven Prevett. This was on Friday, March 18th.

Steven Prevett, classical guitar, and Dr. Quincy Dobbs, accordion, explore nocturnes and incidental music for this exciting and unexpected instrumental combination.”

https://www.facebook.com/flintinstituteofmusic/videos/3035291003398377

It was a short concert but the music was lovely and interesting. I don’t think I have ever seen an accordion performance. I wish I would have written about the concert that evening because the music brought up some feelings but I was too tired. We had a busy weekend. My husband and I went out to eat at the 501 Bar and Grill in Flint afterwards and had a nice dinner. The next night, a Saturday, we went to The Cadieux Cafe in Detroit to listen to Jim McCarty play. It was his CD release party. Then on Sunday we went over to my stepson’s new place (he and his girlfriend are renting a house in Corunna) for a birthday party for his girlfriend’s twin daughters. That was a lot of activity all in one weekend for me. I wanted to write in my blog and in my diary but failed to do it because I have been wiped out ever since. My energy is at a low ebb right now. Plus I am still trying to get my house in order. It is slow going. I find I cannot have a life, work, and keep house. It is too much!

My husband and I also attended a performance of Pride and Prejudice (by Jane Austen and Kate Hamill) at the UM-Flint Theatre. This was on Friday, March 25. It was interesting. I wasn’t sure if I’d like the adaptation at first… it did take a little whole for me to determine if I did like but overall I did. Again, I wish I would have written about the play the night I saw it but I was too fatigued. I can only share a write of it from Google books:

“This isn’t your grandmother’s Austen! Bold, surprising, boisterous, and timely, this P&P for a new era explores the absurdities and thrills of finding your perfect (or imperfect) match in life. The outspoken Lizzy Bennet is determined to never marry, despite mounting pressure from society. But can she resist love, especially when that vaguely handsome, mildly amusing, and impossibly aggravating Mr. Darcy keeps popping up at every turn?! Literature’s greatest tale of latent love has never felt so theatrical, or so full of life than it does in this effervescent adaptation. Because what turns us into greater fools…than the high-stakes game of love?” https://books.google.com/books/about/Pride_and_Prejudice.html?id=1L59DwAAQBAJ&source=kp_book_description

It was just good to get out and see a play again. I want to do more of it. I just wish it didn’t wipe me out so. But this play has inspired me to get cracking on some of the stuff I want to write based on JA’s works and I am currently rereading The Annotated Pride and Prejudice by Austen and David M. Shapard. Shapard’s annotated editions are the best!

The first weekend in April I had the shopping trip from HELL on a Saturday. I had to take a participant (for work) shopping. We were in Walmart almost 4 hours. I won’t bore with the details but it was absolutely painful and absolutely wiped me out though I was able to rally and go out to dinner with my husband, my sister-in-law Cece (she was in town from Nebraska), her sister-in-law and brother-in-law, Chris and Randy, and our other brother-in-law, Bill eventually showed up. We had fun, we went to a local place in Swartz Creek and laughed it up. I got a huge tropical drink in a pail, haha. I needed it!

Cece was in town for our niece Erika’s wedding shower. This was on Sunday, April 3. I did not know what to expect because I am not fond of my ex sister-in-law Candy (Erika’s mother) and we thought our banished sister (my sister-in-law) Carmel–she was a drug addict, thus banished from the family–might make an appearance. She did not. I suppose I had an inkling the shower was going to be fancy because it was at held at the Signature Chop House in Flushing. It was fancy and boozy. The venue is very beautiful–more of a wedding venue. The shower was nice, the food was good but not spectacular. The best part, besides the company, were the drinks and the sweets. There were free mimosas and bloody Mary’s. First time I have tried either of those 2 drinks. I had 2 of each! Ha! They were quite good. I also loved the cupcakes, the chocolate covered pretzels and chocolate covered strawberries. It was good to see family. My nephew Calvin’s wife came to the shower (I love her!) and she brought their daughter, who is so adorable. My niece Erika’s wedding is in June and will be up north, near where my dad lives. I think the wedding will be a fun time.

My husband and I went to the symphony again last weekend. This time we went to dinner first and we weren’t late for the performance either so no incident in trying to get to our seats. Of course the performance was beautiful, but alas it was too short. I would like to go to the symphony next month and there is another free concert at the Flint Institute of Music–a jazz concert–I’d like to attend.

Damn. As I wrote this I realize I have been going out every weekend! I am a social butterfly!

So I have been getting out and doing things. I guess my next challenge to myself is to go downstate to visit my old friends. I find that I miss them quite a bit lately though I am a bit peeved at them that they can’t ever seem to find their way up to me. Of course I suck at calling them where they were always ones to make a phone call to me, in the past. I know we are all busy with our families and with work.

This weekend I have stayed home. I have a long weekend and I refused to work this Saturday so it has been nice just to chill out at home. I really wanted to get some organizing done around home but again, my energy level is shit. I have done a little bit though. I shall persevere.