Jacquelyn's Space

Yes, I am a hoarder. I have to admitted it. I have finally, for certain, realized it this week. Not like you see on the show–I am an organized hoarder and my hoard has not quite taken over all areas of my home. I have been able to mainly contain the hoard to closets and spare rooms. That lets helps me to not face the fact that I am a hoarder. I have too much, I continue to want more, I continue to buy more stuff for my collections. Then I buy storage bins and shelving to contain the stuff. It’s bad. I have negative feelings and get overwhelmed when I think of getting rid of anything.

There is a link to another post I made almost 2 years ago. I cleaned up that, or me and my husband finally cleaned up that mess but most of it got shoved back into closets. I took a week off work, this past week to try to sort through some of it. I never get as much done as I need to because of my lack of energy. Plus I keep having crises. I really just want to simplify my life. I want to get rid of most of my stuff. But what can I do with all my beautiful dolls and stuff animals? If I donate the items I think the stuffed animals would just get tossed in todays day an age of out control bed bug infestations. I love my stuff and I don’t just want to trash it. I want someone to enjoy it, yet I want them to take care of it thus I can’t just give it away to anyone.

I am unpacking my dolls now. I have so many beautiful dolls–porcelain, Barbie, baby. I hate to donate of give away the baby dolls though some of them would be easier to part with than any other of the dolls. I just don’t feel that baby dolls are enjoyed as they used too. It has been a long time since I’ve seen some of them. Some have been packed away since 2000 or 2001. So many thoughts, some bit of guilt, differing degrees. I get overwhelmed. Where do I start to purge, if I can purge? I hate to donate of give away the baby dolls though some of them would be easier to part with than any other of the dolls. I just don’t feel that baby dolls are enjoyed as they used too. I want to enjoy them but I don’t really have places for all of them. I probably could sell some of them. IDK. That’s where the hoarding behavior comes in. I cannot seen myself getting rid of them. Something within me (a little bit of it is guilt) fights the idea of getting rid of stuff. I have to get rid of some of my stuff. Clothes would be an easy place to start but still I feel a bit of guilt–too many things I haven’t worn or barely wore, yet so many things that don’t fit right now.

I fantasize about buying a bigger house or adding a few rooms onto the one we have now. This makes no sense. Me and my husband don’t need a bigger house. Our house should be big enough. My husband says our house is almost 1700 square feet (I think he is off by 100 or 200 feet but what do I know). That should be enough for 2 people, a cat, and a dog. I just need more room. My husband just told me, “You should just have less stuff.” My dad has told me that ad nauseum in perpetuity–ever sense I can remember. I can’t have less stuff. That’s just not me…yet sometimes I long for less stuff, a simpler life. I want to travel. What if I ever have to move? I kinda want to move, at least to a house with a basement and comparable square footage, if not larger. God help us if and when we do have to move, plus it just makes no sense. My husband an I are older, stairs are a problem, at least for me. It is getting time for us to downsize, right? Yet I want more space, I wanna move to, or build us a larger home or at least a home with a basement. These thoughts go round and round my head. They start spinning out of control. Thus, the crises.

I am just going to try to do the best I can right now, and little by little get rid of stuff. I have vowed to myself that if I don’t lose weight this year I will get rid of all my smaller clothes in 2023. That is the place to start. Clothes first, then some baby dolls. I could also think about purging CDs, VHS tapes, and DVDs, right? Supposedly no one has those in their house anymore, or is supposed to have them, haha.

I think about what I am leaving people when I die. My poor husband if I go first.