Jacquelyn's Space

50 is the new 30, right? That’s what I was optimistically thinking yesterday. I wish!! If only I could find some magic way to feel more energetic I might be able to fool myself into thinking I was 20 years younger. Chronic fatigue has been kicking my butt lately…a lot longer than lately. Perhaps for the past year or more. I don’t know what to do about it. I am sick of waiting it out, hoping I will hit an upswing. Because, I am indeed, 50 years old, I feel like I have nowhere to go but down. Where is the miracle drug for more energy? Where is the cure for chronic fatigue?

I want all the things!

Not today, not so much. I’ve been picking up overtime on Saturdays. At first it was just dialysis runs but now I mostly do grocery shopping with participants. I am getting burnt out on it, mainly because grocery stores fatigue me and make my body hurt. And while some participants are really good about shopping–getting in the store, getting what they need, following a list–other participants are, well, just a mess. I feel like I have to babysit and I don’t like it. Today would have been one of those days (one anxiety inducing participant that you have to prod along, and one unknown who my boss later tells me has multiple personalities, ha ha, thanks for the warning) except that today they both canceled. That’s ok, I was kind of dreading the trip anyway so now I got nothing.

But, of course, I digress. My intention was to write about reasons I love my job.

There are many reasons why…my boss for one. She messaged me while I was on vacation that she missed me. She called me after work the day I got back just because she hadn’t seen me and she wanted to chat. That really felt good.

What I really wanted to write about, just 2 little vignettes of what makes me happy when I am working.

I picked up a participant and he was talking about how bored he was, how he couldn’t wait for the weather to break so he could go for a walk, and how Covid-19 was affecting him getting out and doing things. He said he probably wouldn’t be around when things got back to normal. I was like, “Oh no, why?? What’s wrong?” Thinking that something was wrong with him, that he had some horrible disease. He said, “Well, I’m 77 and I didn’t expect to make it this long.”

“Why not?”

“Because I was an asshole!!”

I laughed my head off at that and said,

“Don’t you know that it’s the assholes that live the longest?”

That was a fun trip. If the guy WAS an asshole, he doesn’t seem like one anymore. He was totally sweet to me.

***

One day last week I pick up this German participant we have. I love her accent and her German first name and nickname. Makes me think of my grandma.

Well this lady comes walking almost jauntily out of her apartment without her walker! Surprised the hell out of me. I almost didn’t think it was her.

“Where is your walker???”

“I haven’t used in 2 weeks!”

“NO WAY! How’d you do that??” I asked, thinking medications, hardcore pain drugs.

“Bollywood! I’ve been dancing to Bollywood movies everyday. Belly dancing. No more back pain, no more pain…” She later showed me how she could lift her arms over her head now, and also pointed out that her legs weren’t swollen. It was awesome!

It makes me so happy to think of her dancing to Bollywood movies.

My husband has a full plate right now–overflowing, in fact. I wish I could do more for him, to alleviate some of his load.

He is going to community college because he gets free college through the Future for Front Liners Grant (or Heroes, IDK). He is also working full time, doing more in the office at work because they are short staffed everywhere and need help. He helps out with new hire orientation but still works the road at least 32 hours a week (two 16 hour days). He is helping to teach an EMT class. He is also taking a community paramedic class, which will include clinical time and ride-alongs. Yikes!! He might get one full day off a week but I don’t know, he is always doing something for work or class. And there is stuff I want him to do around the house to help me get my stuff together. Poor guy!! I am so proud of him though. I feel so lucky that I found such a good guy and hard worker.

I am so stoked that his work allowed him to take the community paramedic class (they are paying for him to take the class). He would do excellent work there but he wasn’t able to take the class in the past because he doesn’t drive and you have to be able to drive in order to do the job. They are having him take it so he can help teach the class in the future. It is really a great opportunity and I hope he will be able to do more with that in the future. He is already a critical care paramedic, which they need more of where he works but they tend to misuse them on basic (simpler) transfers. Eventually, I would like to see him come off the road more and more, and do more work in the office, or in another environment outside of EMS…he is getting to old to be lifting patients. He loves EMS though.

I love going up north, Northern Michigan that is. I always find peace and lower blood pressure up there. My favorite places are Mackinac Island (or the Straits of Mackinac area) and the west side of the northern lower peninsula, Manistee to Traverse City are. My mom lives in the coastal town of Onekama, my dad lives on 20 acres in the middle of farm country, outside of the tiny town of Kaleva, which is about 15-20 minutes away from my mom.

We went to visit my dad this past week-end. Just being on the land up there lowers my blood pressure because of the beauty of the trees and hill, the wildlife my dad has coming right up to his backdoor. Literally! He had to put some patio chairs in front of his sliding door glass to keep the turkeys from knocking on the door! My dad feeds the birds and the deer, also squirrels and an occasional bear. He had to raise his bird feeders so the bear couldn’t get to them.

We left on Saturday, just for an overnighter. I wish we had more time to spend but I was trying to get my house in order (see post about hoarding). It was so lovely last week-end, Saturday mostly sunny until we got to Cadillac, and Sunday such a lovely blue sky with fluffy light clouds.

We went to Traverse City Saturday night for a blues concert. Our favorite, Toronzo Cannon and the Chicago Way performed at Michigan Northwestern College. It was an awesome show! My dad went with me and my husband. Afterward we went out to eat–pickings were slim for eats, only bars open, and most had stopped serving food. After much searching and driving around, haha, We ended up at a bar called U and I. It was crowded and I had my doubts about the place but it turned out to be a great place. They had Greek food on the menu and all three of us enjoyed it. My drink was phenomenal! I had a Cherry Lemonade with cherry vodka. Well, I had 3…they were so good and I could not taste alcohol at all, though I did get a good buzz going. Luckily my dad drove.

My dad had a good time. He was happy to have visitors though he keeps himself busy with odd jobs, working around his house too, and his ever favorite pickle ball. Funny story: On the way to the concert my dad made a phone call (over the car-Bluetooth hookup, so we could all here both ends of the conversation) to a friend, an little bit older guy named Pete that plays pickle ball too and my dad was working on his snow blower also. Pete asked my dad what he was doing and my dad said he was on his way to TC. “What for?” asked Pete. My dad told him to see a concert and Pete said, “I didn’t think you were the artsy type.” It was all I could do to snort with laughter. I mean, going to a concert it considered artsy? LOL

I do need to get up north more, and I want to check out some of the wineries. We have more family up north now too so there is always someone to visit with.

Here are all the pictures I took:

Yes, I am a hoarder. I have to admitted it. I have finally, for certain, realized it this week. Not like you see on the show–I am an organized hoarder and my hoard has not quite taken over all areas of my home. I have been able to mainly contain the hoard to closets and spare rooms. That lets helps me to not face the fact that I am a hoarder. I have too much, I continue to want more, I continue to buy more stuff for my collections. Then I buy storage bins and shelving to contain the stuff. It’s bad. I have negative feelings and get overwhelmed when I think of getting rid of anything.

There is a link to another post I made almost 2 years ago. I cleaned up that, or me and my husband finally cleaned up that mess but most of it got shoved back into closets. I took a week off work, this past week to try to sort through some of it. I never get as much done as I need to because of my lack of energy. Plus I keep having crises. I really just want to simplify my life. I want to get rid of most of my stuff. But what can I do with all my beautiful dolls and stuff animals? If I donate the items I think the stuffed animals would just get tossed in todays day an age of out control bed bug infestations. I love my stuff and I don’t just want to trash it. I want someone to enjoy it, yet I want them to take care of it thus I can’t just give it away to anyone.

I am unpacking my dolls now. I have so many beautiful dolls–porcelain, Barbie, baby. I hate to donate of give away the baby dolls though some of them would be easier to part with than any other of the dolls. I just don’t feel that baby dolls are enjoyed as they used too. It has been a long time since I’ve seen some of them. Some have been packed away since 2000 or 2001. So many thoughts, some bit of guilt, differing degrees. I get overwhelmed. Where do I start to purge, if I can purge? I hate to donate of give away the baby dolls though some of them would be easier to part with than any other of the dolls. I just don’t feel that baby dolls are enjoyed as they used too. I want to enjoy them but I don’t really have places for all of them. I probably could sell some of them. IDK. That’s where the hoarding behavior comes in. I cannot seen myself getting rid of them. Something within me (a little bit of it is guilt) fights the idea of getting rid of stuff. I have to get rid of some of my stuff. Clothes would be an easy place to start but still I feel a bit of guilt–too many things I haven’t worn or barely wore, yet so many things that don’t fit right now.

I fantasize about buying a bigger house or adding a few rooms onto the one we have now. This makes no sense. Me and my husband don’t need a bigger house. Our house should be big enough. My husband says our house is almost 1700 square feet (I think he is off by 100 or 200 feet but what do I know). That should be enough for 2 people, a cat, and a dog. I just need more room. My husband just told me, “You should just have less stuff.” My dad has told me that ad nauseum in perpetuity–ever sense I can remember. I can’t have less stuff. That’s just not me…yet sometimes I long for less stuff, a simpler life. I want to travel. What if I ever have to move? I kinda want to move, at least to a house with a basement and comparable square footage, if not larger. God help us if and when we do have to move, plus it just makes no sense. My husband an I are older, stairs are a problem, at least for me. It is getting time for us to downsize, right? Yet I want more space, I wanna move to, or build us a larger home or at least a home with a basement. These thoughts go round and round my head. They start spinning out of control. Thus, the crises.

I am just going to try to do the best I can right now, and little by little get rid of stuff. I have vowed to myself that if I don’t lose weight this year I will get rid of all my smaller clothes in 2023. That is the place to start. Clothes first, then some baby dolls. I could also think about purging CDs, VHS tapes, and DVDs, right? Supposedly no one has those in their house anymore, or is supposed to have them, haha.

I think about what I am leaving people when I die. My poor husband if I go first.