So I have 2 new computers. I bought one last year (plus a 24 inch monitor) because my old was is, well, old, and full. I thought it would be good enough to game on to. It probably is good enough to game on but I was watching a Sims competition show, started feeling a huge urge to play The Sims 4 and then looked at the specs needed…I began to think the computer I bought wouldn’t be good enough so I bought another, low-end gaming computer. I just hooked both of these bad boys up. The gaming computer is hooked up to our old 32″ bedroom TV and it is awesome! I haven’t really done any gaming yet but I was looking at some of my old files that are on my MSN drive. Old documents from 8-10 years ago when I was doing a lot of writing for school.
That was a mistake.
I read an old letter or email I wrote to my husband’s ex-wife. It made me so mad that we had to put up with that cunt. It still does when I really think back to all that bitch put us through and all that she did to my stepson. Okay. I moved on.
Then I found a piece I had written about my niece that died. Heartbreaking. It still hurts, to look back at that time. I cannot believe all the shit I’ve been through, all the shit that happened then and since.
I found another set of writings having to do with my life as a stepmother…truth be told, it was more writing to the ex-wife. Being a stepmom wasn’t bad–dealing with her, or supporting my husband while he had to deal with her was the worst. But all that pales in comparison to the heartbreak of losing my niece and all that came after. It is just the fact that I’ve been through some shit for so long. So long!
And now it is calmer, at least in my personal life. The world outside is on fire, literally and figuratively. And I must engage with it…because that’s how I am. I must get caught up in it when all I really want is some peace. But then I go back to all the old hurts. I just need to write something about them, do something with the material, the old hurts, and then put it to bed. I don’t know what the hell to do about the state of the world today. I wanna write more productively about that too…but the energy isn’t there. And even if I write about it, nothing ever changes. There is no justice in this world. For all the bad that is done, there is no real retribution.
I should just lose myself in The Sims and call it good.
Jacquelyn's Space 
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