Jacquelyn's Space

So I’ve went off the antidepressants I was taking. I don’t know why, really, other than I was having intestinal issues and didn’t want to ingest a bunch of medications. They didn’t really seem to be helping anyway. Now that I am off them, I want to write more. Perhaps it was the medications dulling my creativity? I hope I am not bipolar and that this isn’t just a manic phase. I know I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I can remember but never thought I was bipolar because I never seemed to have manic episodes. I’ve never felt energetic enough to be manic. But now some of my behaviors give me pause. Like the overspending, the overeating. Could those be my manic phases? There were a few times in college that I thought I was a bit manic–took too many classes, took on too many projects, had too big of ideas. And I did feel a bit manic bordering on psychotic when I was taking Adderall at that time. I don’t know. I guess I should go and speak to counselor again. I have seen counselors in the past and was never diagnosed with bipolar–well, not that they told me anyway. I worry that this may be something that presents itself more a I age. It seems that has happened to my mother–bipolar depression was certainly spoke of in regards to her behaviors in 2012…as well as schizophrenia, which is odd since schizophrenia usually presents in teens to early 20s. I don’t know. All I know is I feel the same, as far as depression and my energy levels go, whether I take the meds or I don’t. My doc supposedly gave them to me to help with my fibromyalgia pain but they didn’t seem to be helping with anything other than to dull inspiration and creativity, thus making feel, well, like a dullard. It really made me feel a low key depression but not that low, just at the edge of the falling into….

I don’t know. There is a lot going on this year though. It is hard to say.

I am sick to death of old thinking, lazy thinking, or just plain ignorance whether it is purposeful ignorance or just laziness. I am sick of that attitude in people that the 1950s were the good ole days and their longing to go back to that bullshit. That is trumphumpers in a nutshell right there–they long for “the good ole days” where white was right and everything was simple. It seemed to be simple anyway…WRONG!! Shit was bad, shit wasn’t simple, it was just more hidden and swept under the rug more than today. People were bullied into complying with conservative, supposedly moral ideals. It is past time to shed those false ideals.

I for sure am sick to death of trumphumpers and I am heartbroken and disgruntled that I have trumphumpers in my family. One such trumphumber posted this on Facebook:

“Over 25 shootings in Flint last night into this morning. Even at Mega Coney Island (3 there). BUT lets defund the State police. Wake up Whitless. Ems and Police please be safe out there.”

This was my reply:

We need to do something different because obviously what we have been doing hasn’t worked. That is what defund the police is about. Taking some of the money used for policing and putting it to a better use in the community. It isn’t as simple as it sounds nor is the problem as simple as “oh let’s put more police out there to crack skulls” and scare people into doing/being “right”. We all know there isn’t enough police in Flint but there aren’t enough resources period, resources that could better address systemic problems. Only once some of the systemic problems, such as poverty, joblessness, racism, mental health, and gang violence are addressed will we see real change in the community. Throwing more police into the mix will not help address those problems because police aren’t equipped to deal with those issues and apparently neither is our society because we have ignored the issues for so long or had the attitude of let’s bully the issues away using the law. We don’t wanna see the true issues nor do we want to think of complicated solutions beyond cracking skulls and scare tactics. So sure, look down your nose at Flint people, support a fascist authoritarian for president, and call our governor names because yeah, the old ways have worked so well for us–insert eyeroll here. The only “whitless” ones I see are the ones that refuse to think of problems and solutions in new ways, other ways besides what’s been shoved down our throats for so long. The only whitless ones I see are the ones that wanna use a cudgel for every job when the job is a lot more complicated and requires more thinking beyond a sound bite.

–We need new ways of thinking and being. We need to cast aside all that old, Puritanic, supposedly moral, ways of thinking. All it has gotten us is a country full of non-thinkers, people that cannot disseminate information past sound bites, as well as a country full of hypocrites that talk out of both sides of their mouths because while they look down on the obvious and “black” violence they wholly ignore the violent history of this country, the ways in which we have kept people of color down, and still do; they ignore the systemic problems because they do not want to or aren’t mentally equipped to (cannot) deal with it…all the while know they crying and whining about their rights when they feel put upon by the police or government. These “don’t tread on me” hypocrites can go fuck themselves because I want, I long for, a more progressive nation. Let’s finally be the nation we pretended to be for so many years.

This shit really gets under my skin, can you tell?