Jacquelyn's Space

I am crying right now because I am so thankful. For one, I am so happy that I have two men in my life that are hard workers and that are not asshole trumphumpers: my husband and my father. They strive hard to be productive, smart(er)/educated, sensitive and all-aroung better men.

I am super thank and amazed that my dad just posted an anti-racism and pro-African American video on Facebook. I will not be shy in saying that a I have seen a great change in him– a super amount of growth that I didn’t think was possible when I was growing up. I don’t know how or why it occurred but I am so thankful that it has. You see, growing up, I knew my dad was a racist. I felt so horrible about it. Whenever he would say something derogatory about black people (horrible names I will not repeat) I would try to talk him out of saying those things but I never felt I had an impact. Maybe I never did but something over the past 20 years or so has changed him. I never knew how he felt about President Obama and voting for a black man until, perhaps, Obama’s second term. He had positive views about it! He voted for Obama same as me! I really found out once trump was in office though–that he thought Obama was a class act and that he had learned a lot about black people and racism.

And somewhere (perhaps during the Obama years, maybe before) my dad had kicked his racist views to the curb. I don’t know how much Obama had to do with it either but it has happened and I am so proud and thankful. Now when I talk to my dad, I see that he had done the work and has learned about black history, black culture…that he no longer views them as the “other” but as people, as they should be. Just people.

So thankful for this. It gives me hope — some people can change. But of course, not too many people are as smart as my daddy. Too many aren’t as willing to learn.

I’m feeling pretty darn crappy today. My back and knees hurt. My damn bowels aren’t moving (that is what makes my back hurt). My ears were plugged up this morning. I am tired and weak. I was feeling kinda crappy yesterday but I pushed myself to do things. I guess I pushed it too far. Ugh. I need to find a new doctor because I changed insurance so I can’t see anyone about all this…not that they ever do much for me. Tired…

So I’ve went off the antidepressants I was taking. I don’t know why, really, other than I was having intestinal issues and didn’t want to ingest a bunch of medications. They didn’t really seem to be helping anyway. Now that I am off them, I want to write more. Perhaps it was the medications dulling my creativity? I hope I am not bipolar and that this isn’t just a manic phase. I know I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I can remember but never thought I was bipolar because I never seemed to have manic episodes. I’ve never felt energetic enough to be manic. But now some of my behaviors give me pause. Like the overspending, the overeating. Could those be my manic phases? There were a few times in college that I thought I was a bit manic–took too many classes, took on too many projects, had too big of ideas. And I did feel a bit manic bordering on psychotic when I was taking Adderall at that time. I don’t know. I guess I should go and speak to counselor again. I have seen counselors in the past and was never diagnosed with bipolar–well, not that they told me anyway. I worry that this may be something that presents itself more a I age. It seems that has happened to my mother–bipolar depression was certainly spoke of in regards to her behaviors in 2012…as well as schizophrenia, which is odd since schizophrenia usually presents in teens to early 20s. I don’t know. All I know is I feel the same, as far as depression and my energy levels go, whether I take the meds or I don’t. My doc supposedly gave them to me to help with my fibromyalgia pain but they didn’t seem to be helping with anything other than to dull inspiration and creativity, thus making feel, well, like a dullard. It really made me feel a low key depression but not that low, just at the edge of the falling into….

I don’t know. There is a lot going on this year though. It is hard to say.

I am sick to death of old thinking, lazy thinking, or just plain ignorance whether it is purposeful ignorance or just laziness. I am sick of that attitude in people that the 1950s were the good ole days and their longing to go back to that bullshit. That is trumphumpers in a nutshell right there–they long for “the good ole days” where white was right and everything was simple. It seemed to be simple anyway…WRONG!! Shit was bad, shit wasn’t simple, it was just more hidden and swept under the rug more than today. People were bullied into complying with conservative, supposedly moral ideals. It is past time to shed those false ideals.

I for sure am sick to death of trumphumpers and I am heartbroken and disgruntled that I have trumphumpers in my family. One such trumphumber posted this on Facebook:

“Over 25 shootings in Flint last night into this morning. Even at Mega Coney Island (3 there). BUT lets defund the State police. Wake up Whitless. Ems and Police please be safe out there.”

This was my reply:

We need to do something different because obviously what we have been doing hasn’t worked. That is what defund the police is about. Taking some of the money used for policing and putting it to a better use in the community. It isn’t as simple as it sounds nor is the problem as simple as “oh let’s put more police out there to crack skulls” and scare people into doing/being “right”. We all know there isn’t enough police in Flint but there aren’t enough resources period, resources that could better address systemic problems. Only once some of the systemic problems, such as poverty, joblessness, racism, mental health, and gang violence are addressed will we see real change in the community. Throwing more police into the mix will not help address those problems because police aren’t equipped to deal with those issues and apparently neither is our society because we have ignored the issues for so long or had the attitude of let’s bully the issues away using the law. We don’t wanna see the true issues nor do we want to think of complicated solutions beyond cracking skulls and scare tactics. So sure, look down your nose at Flint people, support a fascist authoritarian for president, and call our governor names because yeah, the old ways have worked so well for us–insert eyeroll here. The only “whitless” ones I see are the ones that refuse to think of problems and solutions in new ways, other ways besides what’s been shoved down our throats for so long. The only whitless ones I see are the ones that wanna use a cudgel for every job when the job is a lot more complicated and requires more thinking beyond a sound bite.

–We need new ways of thinking and being. We need to cast aside all that old, Puritanic, supposedly moral, ways of thinking. All it has gotten us is a country full of non-thinkers, people that cannot disseminate information past sound bites, as well as a country full of hypocrites that talk out of both sides of their mouths because while they look down on the obvious and “black” violence they wholly ignore the violent history of this country, the ways in which we have kept people of color down, and still do; they ignore the systemic problems because they do not want to or aren’t mentally equipped to (cannot) deal with it…all the while know they crying and whining about their rights when they feel put upon by the police or government. These “don’t tread on me” hypocrites can go fuck themselves because I want, I long for, a more progressive nation. Let’s finally be the nation we pretended to be for so many years.

This shit really gets under my skin, can you tell?

I don’t know what got into me but all of a sudden I am inspired to start writing again. I haven’t done much real writing, only blogging and jotting down some ideas but I feel like I could be onto something with my ideas. If I can just stick to it and execute them.

It is weird that all of sudden I am inspired to write. I have been so tired lately that I haven’t been doing much of anything. I have also been really anxious and irritable. It has sucked. Now this–I have so many ideas (somewhere in the neighborhood of 20) for a series of novels. Good ideas too, totally doable if I put my mind to it and sit my ass down and write. I need discipline!!

Well, part of it is I actually finished reading a book. I know that sounds very paltry but I really have been having trouble concentrating lately, and getting into reading anything. If it takes longer than 5 minutes I’m over it. But I read the Mary Trump book and I thought,  if this bitch can do it, so can I! Really, it was poorly written. I thought of my stepmother memoir I have charted out and quite a bit of it written –I should work on that. The only thing is people aren’t interested in what I have to say because my work isn’t a tell all about a famous person. So okay…I still want to work on my memoir and finish it. But then I was thinking about other things I have wanted to write, novels, and the ideas (based on a classic author many people absolutely love) started pouring forth. And I’d have a built in audience for these novels, even if they are shit. I want to make them awesome though, I think I can make them good, worthwhile reads. I just have to quit slacking off. I have lots of research done already as well as lots of reference material already at my fingertips. All there is to do is to make an concerted effort to right on a regular basis.  I’d like to make it a goal to have a novel done by May of next year and to be a published author in 2022.

I have not learned to love my new job yet. I don’t know what it is or why I can’t. I think my lack of love for it has to do with Covid-19 and I’ve been really anxious this year. It could be just me.

I should love my new job. The pay is much better. It is basically doing what I was doing before. Everyone I work with is nice and I still work with some of the same people that I did before. I know many of the participants we serve already, because we transported when I was at Swartz. The benefits are better. Perhaps only the PTO and sick time are about the same as my old job. Still trying to figure that one out.

The downside is I miss my old work. I miss Swartz. My husband still works there so I still have a strong connection to the place. That’s good.

I really miss my van at Swartz. I drive a shuttle bus at the new job. It is basically all mine–I take the keys home with me and I am the only one that drives it. It is just so much bigger than what I used to drive. And the ride is rougher. I definitely don’t like that for my passengers. I can deal with the bumpy bounciness. It is the noise that bothers me (and them.)

The new job is less organized that the old.  That sucks, especially when we aren’t really open yet–our center is only open for clinic appointments and physical therapy. Still no participants coming to the day center just to hang out, eat, and get involved in activities.

I take participants to outside appointments. Most days I only have 1 or 2 appointments. I am used to having down time but at the new job I feel more at loose ends. Of course, I feel guilty in having so much downtime because the pay is so much more. Yet, I don’t want to go hang out at the center for fear I’ll be in the way…at least until I learn more of the business or the participants come back at full force.

I don’t know. The real downside is I have to look for a new doctor. That sucks because too many doctors suck. The ones that don’t aren’t accepting new patients. No doc does evening hours and I hate taking off work for an appointment. I want something close to home–which my old doc was–but the only one somewhat close is one I don’t really care for. They were supposed to call me to let me know if they were accepting new patients–they haven’t yet. Another office I reached out to was supposed to get back to me–haven’t heard from them either. I hate looking for a new doctor!

I suppose I am not dealing well with all the changes this year. Well, in addition to all the madness going on in the world.

One good thing–no more polyester uniform!! Now that’s something to celebrate. I get to wear my own clothes, and I can wear shorts at my new job. I am much cooler than I was and….yet another confession: my nipples stopped itching. HA! Yeah, I think I am allergic to polyester.