Jacquelyn's Space

Someone posted on Facebook, “It’s okay to grieve for the person you could’ve been without your illness.” That hit home with me today. Lately I’ve been thinking about all the time I’ve wasted being sick and depressed. I wanted to be so much further along at this point in my life. I am nowhere near where I want to be…where I’d thought I’d be. And why? Is it because of my illnesses?

I do grieve, yes I do. “I do grieve…but it wears me out and I am still trying to BE…something. I need all my energy for that.” That was my comment to that post. On one hand I feel like I’m okay because I’m a fighter. And I’ve accepted the fact that I am a late-bloomer. Yet, on the other hand, I feel like a fraud. I mean, what are my illnesses? Yes, depression is an illness but it does make you feel so awful about yourself…

And then there is the Chronic Fatigue and fibromyalgia. Those for sure make you feel like a fraud because they aren’t visible, they are hard to treat, and many doctors don’t recognize them as true illnesses. It is difficult. It isn’t like I’ve had cancer or MS (God forbid). And not that I’d rather…but why is it so difficult for me? Why? Why me? I suppose I get irritated with myself because I feel sorry for myself. Then that feeds into the depression. I am caught in a vicious cycle I continuously try to fight my way out of. For the most part, anyway. Sometimes I don’t try all that hard–I just don’t have the energy or motivation. Other times I do try. The constant battling does wear me down though.

I am dealing with today especially because I went to the doctor. It has been a rough semester, I’ve been dragging ass, and for more than 2 weeks now I’ve been fighting a cold (and an infection?). My PA is putting me on the anti-depressant Cymbalta. She says it is really good for fibromyalgia. I hope it helps. I need a miracle drug. I am all too ready to go back on an anti-depressant. I put it off this long because I wanted to get pregnant. That hasn’t happened so it is time to move on. Well, the PA says it is safe if I still want to try…not that it will happen now. I actually think I am starting menopause anyway.

Life is hard. Much tougher than expected. Ha. Never tell my parents I said that.

I keep thinking about all the things I could have done differently. If only I wouldn’t have done this, if only I’d have done that…I don’t know. There are some big boo-boos I made…yet I wish I’d have taken more risks. But whatever, I need to quit thinking that way because it is too late now. I do try to think off all that I have to be thankful for. The things I can build on.

I am thankful for:

That I am a fighter…even when I give up, I never really give up.

My husband…at least I was lucky in love.

My parents…at least they are still around.

My cat…my loving Kitty. She is my real baby, LOL.

My home…I have a warm place to go filled with all my treasures. I have the library I always wanted, and now, thanks to technology, I have a portable library too!

My job…the pay isn’t the greatest–though it is better than what I was making previously–but I am glad to have a job that I love, one where I am helping people, making a difference. And it is not all go, go, go all the time–I can read or even nap a little.

My education…I am almost done with my masters and I have a lead on a couple of teaching jobs–one that will hire instructors without teaching experience.

My good genes…ha ha! Well, I have depression and chronic illness but at least I look 10-20 years younger than I am. So many people have told me they thought I was only in my 20s or 30s. So many people can’t be lying or wrong, can they?

****Now if I can only feel like I am a twenty-something, physically…I got the mental (mentality) part covered.****

My sense of humor, my silliness, my baby doll Kendra Rose (my faux kid, LOL)…those all keep me sane.

My tenacity…I will keep on keepin’ on, or die trying.