Jacquelyn's Space

I was thinking. I don’t want to be the hero. I am not superwoman. I cannot do everything. Unfortunately, I cannot do everything. That is a hard reality to face but it is the reality. I am able to face it but to get others to realize it is the hard part. To get others used to the answer no and to get them to accept it. I just think you set yourself up for failure when you try to be the hero all the time. I know I did, and I know there are ways that I failed. And it hurt. It still hurts. I want to be self-sacrificing but I cannot sacrifice everything I want to the needs of others. I will not sacrifice everything that I am, everything that I want and need, for others. Not at this point. I simply don’t have the resources–energy- wise nor financially. As a matter of fact, the bit that I have done to help people in my family has put me behind. And it was never enough. That is the kicker– it is never enough. So it was okay helping for a time but now I have to move on and do the things that I want to do with my life, then perhaps later I will be in a better place to help again, or help others outside of my family.

That’s where I am at now. I don’t want to be the hero. I am not superwoman and I refuse to be forced into that role. I just want to be me. Selfishly, I just want to be.

I need help finding some energy and motivation.

It has been quite the week. I am wore out and I just want to chill…but I have homework. Not too much, though I have two assignments that I am behind on because I started the class late. I wanted to be done with them by Tuesday but I started a new class Monday evening so that took the time I was going to complete at least one of the assignments. The other is an essay draft. Actually, both seem to be busy work that I don’t really appreciate so I have a lot of resistance in doing them. Ugh.

Resistance! I need to get over myself.

At least I am not babysitting. I still have to deal with my nephews somewhat. They get dropped off at my house after school and I take them down to their dad’s house. I don’t need the hassle but I will do it for a time to help out. I do like seeing them everyday, touching base. Except that one nephew had detention Friday and I had to pick him up from school. I am not going to do that again. I hate going to the boys school because it is out of the way. Plus it didn’t make any sense for the kid to have 20 minutes of detention, not taking the bus, when he got home before his other brother who took the bus home. It was a punishment for me, not my nephew.

Last Friday we took a trailer full of the boys’ stuff down to their house. On the way home this Friday, the nephew I picked up from detention said it was kind of like I was kicking them out. I reassured him that I wasn’t and pointed out that they have been wanting to live at their dad’s house, have their own rooms and now they do. He changed the subject. I don’t know if he is happy with the current situation. Perhaps I will have to dig deeper.

So I finally have my schedule straightened out. I have 3 classes altogether. Two graduate classes and one undergrad class I am taking to get my TESOL certification. I probably should not have started the TESOL certification at this point. The class is going to be intense and it is the class I have all the homework it. I don’t know why I do this to myself. It is exciting though. Once I get my TESOL I can go abroad and teach English. There may even be some opportunities here at home. I just have to do the work, and do some volunteering. I will have to write more on the TESOL thing later.

Other than the TESOL class I am happy with my schedule. I have one literature class–The American Novel (before 1900) and a creative writing class that is focusing on work-shopping longer fiction pieces. I love my American Novel professor; he is fun. This week in class he admitted that he records Project Runway (which is on when we are in class)–it is his guilty pleasure. I love Project Runway! This guy is a Hemingway expert! LOL, talk about diverse interests!

So I got my schedule straightened out. I have to do some work on my incomplete classes from previous semesters yet keep up the work for the current one. Once I get a handle on the work I need to start looking for a new job and I want to go to the gym. I just wish I had more energy. I have been so wore out this week. I can’t seem to catch up on my rest. This is nothing new…it is just irritating when I finally try to do something with my life I come up against this brick wall of not having energy and not feeling rested. I guess I just need to power through if I can. Push, push, push. I am going to try.