Jacquelyn's Space

I was thinking. I don’t want to be the hero. I am not superwoman. I cannot do everything. Unfortunately, I cannot do everything. That is a hard reality to face but it is the reality. I am able to face it but to get others to realize it is the hard part. To get others used to the answer no and to get them to accept it. I just think you set yourself up for failure when you try to be the hero all the time. I know I did, and I know there are ways that I failed. And it hurt. It still hurts. I want to be self-sacrificing but I cannot sacrifice everything I want to the needs of others. I will not sacrifice everything that I am, everything that I want and need, for others. Not at this point. I simply don’t have the resources–energy- wise nor financially. As a matter of fact, the bit that I have done to help people in my family has put me behind. And it was never enough. That is the kicker– it is never enough. So it was okay helping for a time but now I have to move on and do the things that I want to do with my life, then perhaps later I will be in a better place to help again, or help others outside of my family.

That’s where I am at now. I don’t want to be the hero. I am not superwoman and I refuse to be forced into that role. I just want to be me. Selfishly, I just want to be.

I need help finding some energy and motivation.

It has been quite the week. I am wore out and I just want to chill…but I have homework. Not too much, though I have two assignments that I am behind on because I started the class late. I wanted to be done with them by Tuesday but I started a new class Monday evening so that took the time I was going to complete at least one of the assignments. The other is an essay draft. Actually, both seem to be busy work that I don’t really appreciate so I have a lot of resistance in doing them. Ugh.

Resistance! I need to get over myself.

At least I am not babysitting. I still have to deal with my nephews somewhat. They get dropped off at my house after school and I take them down to their dad’s house. I don’t need the hassle but I will do it for a time to help out. I do like seeing them everyday, touching base. Except that one nephew had detention Friday and I had to pick him up from school. I am not going to do that again. I hate going to the boys school because it is out of the way. Plus it didn’t make any sense for the kid to have 20 minutes of detention, not taking the bus, when he got home before his other brother who took the bus home. It was a punishment for me, not my nephew.

Last Friday we took a trailer full of the boys’ stuff down to their house. On the way home this Friday, the nephew I picked up from detention said it was kind of like I was kicking them out. I reassured him that I wasn’t and pointed out that they have been wanting to live at their dad’s house, have their own rooms and now they do. He changed the subject. I don’t know if he is happy with the current situation. Perhaps I will have to dig deeper.

So I finally have my schedule straightened out. I have 3 classes altogether. Two graduate classes and one undergrad class I am taking to get my TESOL certification. I probably should not have started the TESOL certification at this point. The class is going to be intense and it is the class I have all the homework it. I don’t know why I do this to myself. It is exciting though. Once I get my TESOL I can go abroad and teach English. There may even be some opportunities here at home. I just have to do the work, and do some volunteering. I will have to write more on the TESOL thing later.

Other than the TESOL class I am happy with my schedule. I have one literature class–The American Novel (before 1900) and a creative writing class that is focusing on work-shopping longer fiction pieces. I love my American Novel professor; he is fun. This week in class he admitted that he records Project Runway (which is on when we are in class)–it is his guilty pleasure. I love Project Runway! This guy is a Hemingway expert! LOL, talk about diverse interests!

So I got my schedule straightened out. I have to do some work on my incomplete classes from previous semesters yet keep up the work for the current one. Once I get a handle on the work I need to start looking for a new job and I want to go to the gym. I just wish I had more energy. I have been so wore out this week. I can’t seem to catch up on my rest. This is nothing new…it is just irritating when I finally try to do something with my life I come up against this brick wall of not having energy and not feeling rested. I guess I just need to power through if I can. Push, push, push. I am going to try.

Let me preface this by stating that I worked 9 days in a row at McDonald’s (that’s enough to drive anybody a little mad) and started back to school, all since Labor Day. It has been rough, especially for someone with my health and mental issues (Chronic Fatigue and anxiety). This was my week-end to get caught up on house work and school work. I am already behind in one class because I had trouble getting into it and I was scheduled to work during class times too.

So this week-end is/was the week-end.

I haven’t gotten much of anything done. A little reading. I was so burnt out from work I wanted to take Friday to relax. Plus I had to take my husband to the doctor. So that’s what I did on Friday. I read a little but I was whooped.

Saturday, I took my husband to work. I watched Nevaeh for a couple of hours. Well, I was up early because Nevaeh too, though I wasn’t watching her. My husband and I watched Ne for a total of 4 hours. Then Saturday I picked my husband up. We got home and took naps. I was whooped. I read a little bit but not much else.

So that makes today the day. I got up before I normally would–had to take my husband to work. I had to stop by the store to get some stuff I needed. I’ve read a bit, started laundry. I’ve read a bit but truth be told I am having trouble getting motivated to do my school work. That’s me! Okay, I know this. But then I got my sister-in-law calling me. I didn’t answer because I figured she just wanted someone to babysit, or she wanted to talk about her other granddaughter that she’d like someone in the family to adopt (long story). I am not willing to do either at this point. I am trying to move on with my life!!

My husband Facebook messages me. Yeah, Kathleen wants me to babysit a couple hours tonight. Ugh! No, I cannot. See, that’s why I always say no. The minute you say yes to babysitting then they always want you to babysit. I don’t want to be someone’s PAID babysitter, let alone an UNPAID one. I just got rid of “babysitting” 3 boys, my nephews, and felt like I could, maybe, move on with my life. Now I got someone else trying to foist their kids (or grand-kid) off on me. Can you tell I am more than a bit pissed and exasperated. You should hear me bitching all through my house. And of course, because I am HOT right now, I am not concentrating on my schoolwork. AGH!! AGH!!

Am I overreacting?

***

Perhaps a little. It isn’t my sister-in-law’s fault. Except I feel like she gets pissed when people don’t do what she wants them to do. But I get pissed off because I feel like no one cares about what I want out of life. I can’t even get to the things I want to do because I have limited energy, and all my responsibilities (husband, still driving my nephews, work). How dare others try to foist more on me? Especially now!! I mean, I don’t even have time for a damn haircut and an eyebrow wax. 😡 I look a fright and I feel even worse most of the time.

Two (okay, three) more things and then I am going to let this shit go and get something done. It is short notice. Not Kathleen’s fault, supposedly. Her ex-husband was going to watch Ne but now refuses. IDK…

Perhaps my biggest gripe: I never hear from my sisters-in-law. NEVER. Unless they need something or some tragedy befalls the family. Truth to tell, I am just as bad. Of course I don’t blame myself for this. Of course, LOL. But traditionally they have left me out of things because I don’t have kids, at least that is how it seems to me. They are not interested in my or Chuck’s goings on, especially since Jordan turned 18.

…Okay, when I really start to think about it, I see some missteps I have made, but the whole not having biological kids thing is a big factor.

Then there is the fact that Cece and her sister are tight and I am not a sister only a SIL. My ex SIL used to get disgruntled about this but I tend to be happy to be forgotten. Except it does make me mad a times, such as this week-end. My SIL Cece was in town this week-end and invited her sister and her SIL (husband’s sister–they are BFFs since HS) to Michigan football game. Sure, don’t ask the girl that actually attends U of M. But that’s okay. I get it. I don’t know if they know it or not (maybe they do) but I am not into football so I wasn’t put out over that. It just would have been nice to have been asked. And it would be nice to get a phone call once in a while (not too often God please!) to be asked what’s going on…I’ve never gotten that. Of course, there again, I have never done that either.

The last thing is Kathleen didn’t leave a message. She called my husband and puts him in the middle. Why doesn’t she leave me a message?

So my husband and I got enlisted to babysit our grandniece Neveah today. My husband agreed to do it but then got asked to work for someone so that left me to babysit. It was only a few hours. At first I was peeved…I mean I get rid of one set of kids and people want me to take on another kid??? I am ready to move on with life but I feel like I keep getting bogged down.

It turned out fine. I had helpers.  Of course I had to be up early. My husband was home with Neveah the first hour til he went to work. Ne (that’s how I’ve been shortening her name, pronounce Nay) was obsessed with my cat. Chasing/playing with Kitty occupied most of her time until she saw the jungle gym/swing set out back. Then she wanted to play out there. I had to go outside! She climbed around a bit on the jungle gym and I pushed her on the swing. Then she wanted to play in the sand box but it was nearly overgrown with weeds. WAS. Ne and I pulled weeds. She seemed to enjoy the challenge. I needed a break soon enough–my feet hurt, I have some damn issue going on. Ne didn’t want to stop and didn’t want me to stop either. I got my damn break though and went to the garage to get the budding gardener a trowel. I also got the cat leash and harness thinking Kitty might want to go outside. Kitty had been watching us from the family room.

I got Kitty all hooked up and took her outside. Ne wanted to be in control but after one trial of Ne holding the leash, which she let go and Kitty ran for a bit (and all kinds of evil imaginings of what could happen to poor Kitty flew through my brain), I kept control of the leash. Ne wanted Kitty to go down the slide with her. Um no. Kitty was too scared. Kitty already knew that Ne was bad news. Ha. Ne begged me to let Kitty go down the slide with her but I put my foot down. Kitty had enough excitement for the day already, and she was being a trooper. I couldn’t put her through anymore.

I did let Ne take my little camera to take pictures of Kitty, til Kitty got scared, jumped herself out of her harness and ran for the family room door-wall.

So inside we went. It was all of 10:30am. I thought it was later. Ne wanted her dinner. She looked in my pantry and asked for more cereal (she had a bowl from Uncle Chuck earlier). She also found Kool-Aid. I made the Kool-Aid and got her cereal. Easy enough. She wanted her Kool-Aid in a wine glass. Okay. It was cute. I took her picture and she demanded, “Why you taking a picture of me?” Because.

One other little funny thing: Ne got a piece of tape stuck to her foot. She was wondering why. I said it must have been on the floors and looked at my family room floors. They were dirty so I said as much and then, “I need to vacuum, but I don’t like to clean.” Then Ne said, “Neither does my grandma.” LOL, that’s the grandma she lives with and who is always putting on airs of being superhuman (like so superhuman as to not need sleep).

I had a beautiful bubble of a dream. I was back on campus…