March 29. It was my niece’s birthday. She was born and died 6 years ago. Her birth pictures popped up on my Facebook. I almost cried but I couldn’t. I didn’t have time to stop and mourn. I had to work, I had the boys to deal with. I have the present, the now, and that’s about all I can handle at one time.
My brother, her father. It seems he has been home all week, or at least he has been staying at his house. So I look at his Facebook. He went to her grave that day. I get that. But why didn’t he come see his boys. He posts on FB, “Today my daughter would’ve been six, so I went and chilled with her – alone as usual . I miss you baby, I’ll see you again one day.” He didn’t have to go alone. He could have picked up his sons. He could have been with them but chose not to. This pisses me off. Perhaps I am being unreasonable, perhaps he didn’t have time. But he didn’t have to post what he did. It is like he is looking for people to feel sorry for him. He posted this in reply to a comment, “I can always do better and some people don’t think I am a good father.” Okay, so do better. Be with your boys when you can. Be in the present because they are the NOW as well as the future.
I guess it pisses me off because he attention seeking. I can understand needing to commiserate with people but I am not sure that is his motive in posting. Of course I am just a judgmental bitch. The one that takes care of his children while he is wallowing in self-pity or seeking validation from everyone who doesn’t really know the whole story.
I needed to write this somewhere. Just to get it out. This is the most convenient place for me. Maybe I shouldn’t because this blog is public but fuck it. Like I’ve said before, it is nice to have a log of my memories in online forums that are easy to access.
Of course today was a good day for my brother and I. He picked his boys up early and then stopped by as I finished writing this (above) to pick up their clothes. They are on spring break starting today. He is taking them up north to my mother’s. Today we actually got along though I am a bit disgruntled about a few things. I don’t know. It’s a difficult relationship. It’s never been easy between us.
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