Jacquelyn's Space

March 29. It was my niece’s birthday. She was born and died 6 years ago. Her birth pictures popped up on my Facebook. I almost cried but I couldn’t. I didn’t have time to stop and mourn. I had to work, I had the boys to deal with. I have the present, the now, and that’s about all I can handle at one time.

My brother, her father. It seems he has been home all week, or at least he has been staying at his house. So I look at his Facebook. He went to her grave that day. I get that. But why didn’t he come see his boys. He posts on FB, “Today my daughter would’ve been six, so I went and chilled with her – alone as usual . I miss you baby, I’ll see you again one day.” He didn’t have to go alone. He could have picked up his sons. He could have been with them but chose not to. This pisses me off. Perhaps I am being unreasonable, perhaps he didn’t have time. But he didn’t have to post what he did. It is like he is looking for people to feel sorry for him. He posted this in reply to a comment, “I can always do better and some people don’t think I am a good father.” Okay, so do better. Be with your boys when you can. Be in the present because they are the NOW as well as the future.

I guess it pisses me off because he attention seeking. I can understand needing to commiserate with people but I am not sure that is his motive in posting. Of course I am just a judgmental bitch. The one that takes care of his children while he is wallowing in self-pity or seeking validation from everyone who doesn’t really know the whole story.

I needed to write this somewhere. Just to get it out. This is the most convenient place for me. Maybe I shouldn’t because this blog is public but fuck it. Like I’ve said before, it is nice to have a log of my memories in online forums that are easy to access.

Of course today was a good day for my brother and I. He picked his boys up early and then stopped by as I finished writing this (above) to pick up their clothes. They are on spring break starting today. He is taking them up north to my mother’s. Today we actually got along though I am a bit disgruntled about a few things. I don’t know. It’s a difficult relationship. It’s never been easy between us.

Uh oh! I feel like shopping. I don’t need anything. Well, besides a new car, I don’t need anything. I just feel like shopping. Ugh. It is because I am anxious. I do want things but they are things that can’t be bought, like a better paying job and a better president (okay, I suppose they can be bought but I don’t have that kind of wealth); or they are going to take more time and I am impatient for them, such as moving up north. I suppose I should go do something like clean. Lots of purchases I have been making are all about cleaning and organizing my house. I always think of something else that would be helpful in that endeavor but I just need more room.

But then I’d like some new electronics too 🙂 I don’t need any but I want. Ugh. I suppose I should shop around for a new car. Just don’t want a car payment. Frustration station.

I was thinking about Tahquamenon Falls today. It was the sun that did it.

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I am trying to push through all the bullshit and get some stuff done. It has been slow going–like inchworm pace. I felt better yesterday but didn’t get much done. I had too much running around to do and that makes me tired. I had to pick my husband up from work early so he can work on our taxes. Ugh. I had to take my oldest nephew to the doctor. Ugh. These were both fairly short and easy trips yet they kept me from planning my day the way I wanted to. I got some laundry done but dishes piled up again. Ugh. Then there was the drama of the bus. My youngest nephew was having a bad day and punched the bus window. Thankfully it did not break but he came home crying, wouldn’t come in the house, then the boys had me believing the window was broken. My nephew was upset and the bus driver told him he was getting kicked off the bus. He know he will have huge trouble if that happens. Again, thankfully, that did not happen…yet. The bus driver, being very nice and understanding (though upset), called me and put my mind at ease. Though she does not want that behavior to repeat itself. I talked t my nephew and he seemed pretty sorry. I made him write an apology note and today all was well.

Today I decided to go grocery shopping before work. I got it out of the way but since I was in the store too long, I didn’t get to have the breakfast I wanted. I had to hurry and put stuff away, eat, and then take a short shower. Ugh. I worked, which was it was a good day–short and sweet. I got home, got laundry started, dishes going, my counters and table wiped down. I got lots done early on but then I crashed. My back was hurting! I barely worked but my back hurt. Ugh. I think it is intestinal and urinary tract issues. It could have something to do with my obesity but I know a lot of it is I am having poopy problems. Ugh.

So I can’t get to the things that really matter to me–looking for a better job, and looking at options for school. I need to get a move on. Time’s a-wastin. I’m trying, I’m trying.

I was feeling down most of the day today. Worried about a few things. I need to get my ass moving. I did do a some exercising today. Got out the hand weights and worked on my arms. It made me feel a little better. I need to do that much more often. Yay! All my exercise books are in one place! Now I am overwhelmed. Which one do I use? LOL

So today I asked a regular customer, an older man, how he was…he was doing alright but didn’t really mean it. I said, “Yeah, it’s one of those days. I’m just hanging in there.” I don’t know exactly what I said but it wasn’t a good day and I let him know. He said, “Now you sound like me” and laughed. He went on to say his best days were behind him. I repeated what he said, kind of questioning…did he really mean that. Yep. He said, “your best days are behind you too.” Ugh! Really? Thanks dude. LOL

But really? I was hoping for some more “best days” or at least better than I have had in a while. I don’t really believe my best days are behind me. When did that happen? Childhood?  Sure, I’m not so young anymore but certainly, even in middle and old age, I still have some super awesome days ahead, perhaps even the best? I hope. I mean, am I so settled into this rut? Are my best days behind me?