New Year’s Resolution Report

Okay. I haven’t made much progress with on my NY’s resolutions. I have not been writing. I have only been thinking about writing. I have not even been reading, only planning on all the things I want to read…and buying, buying books.

I have not been exercising. I have only been thinking about exercising. The thoughts are there just not the will or the energy.

I haven’t necessarily been eating better but I haven’t been eating as much as I used to. Well, at times. I weighed myself a couple of weeks ago and since I found out I weighed less than I thought I started eating a lot of junk. Like some stupid thought got stuck in my head that I have to bulk up. I have noticed this before. Self-sabotage! But this week I haven’t been too bad. I just haven’t been good.

I have not looked for a new job yet. I have only thought about looking. I have thought about which direction I should go. I don’t have any answers. It makes me sad. And anxious. Very anxious. In fact, as I am writing in this I realize I am perseverating in the thoughts of a better job or career …the thoughts, I have to do this, this, and that but what should I do? What is the best direction? And I am really afraid I am too old for anything now. UGH! I need to stop.

I did take that CNA class and it was fun. I think I would enjoy the work if I was able to do it well, meaning that I am not overloaded with patients. I hear you are almost always overloaded with patients. I am going to try to do the job anyway–at least so I can get some clinical hours and I can get my class tuition back. I just need to take the state test. I suppose I don’t have to before I look for a job but I want to get the test out of the way first. I think. So I must go over my notes and practice.

Mostly I have just been focusing on the day to day–dishes and laundry, dishes and laundry, picking up–trying to keep up with my house (and not succeeding). And I’ve been shopping, lots of online shopping. This happens when I am anxious. Like I need to spend more money! But that’s how it goes. So between just trying to keep up with things and the anxiety, I have been very tired. Plus, I think I am on the verge of menopause. My cycles have not been right and this is really fucking my system up. Frustrating. Very frustrating.

And this is boring. Very boring.

Published in: on February 21, 2017 at 9:43 pm  Leave a Comment  

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