Jacquelyn's Space

I am so sick of doing the same dishes over and over again, the same laundry. Not that I want to do new dishes and laundry, I am just sick of doing the same old thing over and over again. It is killing me. I need to start living my life for me not everybody else. Me and my husband…we got some work to do in order to create the life we really want. We do too much for others and we are tired. I feel we have sacrificed too much and time is getting on. We both feel stuck too. We are sick of the same bullshit all the time, the same sameness.

I miss school. I need to go back and finish my Masters; then start on another one, ha. My husband wants something different out of life as far as his career. He wants to go to school. I need to push him. I need to push myself. We must build a life we want, not a life lived for others.

One the bright side, there is one thing that me and my husband do all the time…usually more of the same but I never tire of–ha ha, and not I am not just talking about sex–I never tire of going up north, to Mackinac or any of our favorite places. Sometimes our little trips are the only thing that keep me going. I got to keep thinking of that. We have a Mackinac trip planned in a couple of weeks. And me and my husband were very blessed this summer. We were able to take a 10 day camping trip to the U.P. and visit some favorites and explore some new. We also went to Sault Ste. Marie for Labor Day week-end and did our annual Mackinac Bridge walk. Not that is the kind of ‘sameness’ I can handle. I guess you could say I live for our times up north; we really need to move up there because I like to live everyday not just during the times I am up north. I don’t think the same ole same ole sameness of dishes and laundry would bother me as much up there.

So I’ve been thinking about my first attempt to write Grace’s Diary. First, I that is just a working title–as I plan to alternate entries from 2 diaries. I have been thinking about the two characters and the larger themes I want to explore. I don’t want anything to be offensive but I fear I will run too close to stereotypical portrayals of slaves with Grace. I don’t know. My Grace is pretty content in her situation. Her mistress, Emma, is not. She craves freedom. I suppose I should just write it and then I may have to tweak it along the way. I foresee much re-writing. Yay…

I already see some stuff I need to re-write for my first entry. I need to draw Grace out more. I need to give her, or make clear her motivations. I can’t start off my novel with something as unexciting as what I first wrote. I almost think I need to start off with Emma’s entry. All in all I see the two women as two halves of a whole…I don’t see them having an out and out conflict but that may be down the road apiece. All is very fuzzy at this point. I am still feeling out their (the) characters. And I have much research to do. I will have to spend lots of time in the nineteenth century south. That’s all good. I also have another idea for a post Civil War novel…a reconstruction novel. I just need to get to work and I may soon have two solid novels.

But it’s hard to write/re-write with a kitty in one hand, lol….

Okay, my attempt at creative writing. It is based on an idea I have had, and have done some writing on already, since junior high. It is easiest to do a diary story–all told from first person POV. Easy to organize too–entry by entry. I think I am going to add Emma’s POV and alternate the 2 characters. I don’t know if my story will play well–a slave’s story. But I have always had an interest in slave narratives and the whole conflict(s) of white/black, master/slave. I don’t know exactly where I want to go with this. Originally it was an escaped slave narrative. I used the story twice in school (once in junior high and again in ninth grade) and the second time the teacher thought I plagiarized it because it was too good. I don’t know. It may not be all that original but it will help me get the creative juices flowing.

Grace’s Diary

Sunday, December 7, 1856

I am shy. I have no idea how to go on in keeping a diary. I am very thankful for you little book, with all your creamy blank pages—no need to wait on luck and opportunity to snatch the odd sheet of paper nor save the brown wrap anymore—but I now I am at a loss as how to begin a diary. Do I tell you about myself or do I assume you already know? Is this just for myself or is it for the ages? Ha!

Of course my mistress tells me to keep you well hidden. It is she that taught me to read and write and it is she that gave you to me. She does so at great risk for she and Mam Jo tell me I ought not to be taught to read and write—it is illegal and my mistress and I could be punished for it. But Mam Jo always told me I was born under a lucky moon and so I was very blessed to be taken up by my mistress. Mam Jo says especially since I was a skinny little ‘picaninny’ when I first arrived, and blacker than a vulture (crow) and just as ugly. Mam Jo may sound harsh but she’s not so bad. She said I grew up quite nicely even though I am still quite black. I am Mam Jo’s shadow—that is what she calls me and laughs when she does—and she is teaching me to be a great ladies maid like her. I am dark not the lovely bronze of Mam Jo, who prides herself on her skin. She tells me she is half Indian and French, up from Louisiana. Mam Jo is very proud and doesn’t mince words. She knows quite a lot about the world, even more than my mistress, who is very young.

My mistress, her name is Emma (short for Emmaline, isn’t that beautiful?), she comes from the North, a place called Michigan that she misses very much. She had much to learn about the ways of folks down here.  That’s how I came about. I was to be a field worker but Mis. Emma took me on because I was too sickly and kept falling ill when sent to work. Mam Jo says Mis. Emma visited the hospital very often when she first came down here. She is the daughter of a doctor and is very handy at nursing. But it was not seen as proper for her to be too concerned with the slaves. At least the master wasn’t too happy about it. He is even less happy when Mis. Emma took me on. She said she was enchanted with me because even though I was very sick and scrawny, I was always smiling and tried to make the best of every day. She always thought I was pretty, unlike Mam Jo.

I don’t remember much of that time, only after I came to stay with Miss Emma. I have been told my mother had too many children to care about me. I think she still works on this plantation but I cannot pick her out from all the others in the field. I don’t even know her name and Mam Jo or Miss Emma don’t know it either. I know nothing of my father or siblings—they might be down in the fields too. I don’t really miss them as I know nothing of them and I am happy I got up to the big house. I don’t get sick anymore and I must admit to being Mis. Emma’s pet. Mam Jo calls me shameless. I don’t think I’m shameless, just very fortunate to have Mistress, and even Mam Jo.

Well I must go. I am supposed to be studying my bible. That is the deal I made with Mis. Emma to give praise to be a good girl, to study my Bible and to give praise to God in exchange for my learning. I try to be good for Mis. Emma for sure.

Blah! My life is filled with banal and repetitive STUFF… can’t think of a better word other than bullshit. I crave creativity but I can’t focus on exactly what I want for myself. I have spent too much time taking care of everybody else that my own goals and desires are scattered and frayed. I need to get back to myself but I am having trouble. I think the first step is writing everyday but all I ever want to write about is all the BS I go through. I am STUCK!! I need to get unstuck. So I should try to write one boring, mundane post a day to clear my mind, then one creative post. Can I do it? I don’t know. My soul is junked up.