Dishes, laundry…dishes, laundry…DISHES. LAUNDRY. Oh yeah, make food…grocery shopping…make food…”I’m hungry”…make food, breakfast, lunch (I hate lunch), dinner…”I’m starving!”…and grocery shopping again. Wash, rinse, eat, repeat….
It is all I seem to do anymore. I have ran the dishwasher every day lately. Laundry is piled up. Floors need to be swept…bathrooms need cleaning. UGH!! I never wanted to be a household drudge but there it is. Why did I even bother going to university?
But I am reading a lot more lately…I just need to focus and start writing more. I always feel like I need a big block of time to write but I need to get over it. The damn kids ruin my concentration though. Now I know why I didn’t have kids, ha. I feel like I am in prison, doing time for crimes I didn’t commit. I am innocent! Well…maybe not.
I suppose I am guilty of not really knowing what I want out of life. It’s been hard deciphering what I want to do with my life. Work doesn’t excite me, a career doesn’t excite me. Work is just a means to an end for me–to get money for what I really want. But what is it that I want? Right now it is to be left alone. I am becoming more reclusive. I would love to move way up north and not leave my house/land very much. As long as I have my husband and my books I’d be happy. So I suppose what I want is a lovely house on a lot of land far away from most people…but close enough to the beach so I can walk…it would be great if I could see a big lake from my house.
But then I’d like to travel a bit. Not all the the time but I do want to see the world. Of course I’d like to visit my favorites–Mackinac Island, Chicago, Sleeping Bear–once a year, but I’d like to travel to an new place in the United States and Canada at least once a year too. Then I’d like to see Europe; maybe take a trip to foreign lands once every few years and really be able to explore–have the time to get to know a place.
The trouble comes when I realize that I don’t have enough money right now to have what I want. But also with the realization that I do need people, that I have a drive to help people in some way. Ugh. Lately this drive, this (my) energy has been used up by my family. Sure, I have a purpose, I am a needed, useful person but somehow I don’t feel like it. I am not getting any closer to MY goals, my wants, my psychic (my ego’s?) needs.
I just hold onto a feeling that everything happens for a reason…and the wisp of thought, “All in due time…”
Jacquelyn's Space 