Jacquelyn's Space

Can we just skip it this year?

Mother’s Day brings so much ambivalence for me.

Mother’s Day week-end. My nephew’s grandma (Grandma Tammy)–their mom’s mom–called me and wanted to know if I would be home on Sunday. My first thought was that she wanted to see the boys so I told her that the boys would hopefully be with their dad on Sunday (it being that their mom has not been around for years). No, Grandma Tammy is sending me something and wanted to make sure I’d be home to receive it. That is so sweet but I feel bad accepting recognition on Mother’s Day.

I do but I don’t.

My littlest nephew made a big to-do about how he didn’t want me to see what he was making me for Mother’s Day but then turned around and made a big deal about how the thing he did make–a planting of some sort–was for his mother and he was going to give it to Grandma Tammy to give to his mom. I get nothing. The boys left here without a good-bye when, thankfully, their dad was almost on time picking them up today. Ugh! It would be nice to get a hug or something…but no, I am mean old Aunt Jackie because I make them clean their room…because I don’t let them do whatever the hell they please.

GRRR…most mother’s are unappreciated, I know.

I had that conversation many times…most recently with my youngest nephew’s teacher. She was a bit peeved that he was going to give that Mother’s Day gift to his mom instead of me. I felt thankful that she (and the school) appreciates what I do…yet I know there is so much I want to do for the boys but I don’t have the energy or the resources. I told the teacher as much. Of course she pointed to me that she has felt the very same as a mother…she says many mother’s feel that way and look at me–I am taking on kids that aren’t mine.

Lord knows I’ve been through this before, but to a lesser degree, with my stepson. I did some mother-like things with/for him but never get much recognition. Not that I expect it…

So many stepmother’s worry about Mother’s Day…I never really did. I figured I’d spend mine with my mother and my stepson would spend the day with his. 🙂 But as much as we’ve been through the last few years, a little recognition would be nice…just a little.

Also, like a lot of stepmother’s, I sometimes wish I had the kind of relationship with my stepson’s mom where I could send her a little gift or card…or at least feel good about reminding my stepson to do right by his mother (not that she would ever do that when it comes to Father’s Day). Sadly I do not have that relationship, and anymore I just keep my lips sealed about his mother. I am not going to remind him to go out of his way to get a card and/or gift for that woman. Not for how she has treated my husband, or even how she treated me, but for how she treated (mistreated) her own son. Of course I feel bad…I feel bad for my stepson. He deserves better. I know he loves his mom and wants a relationship with her–he can forgive her (much as I have forgiven my mom), but I am not going to remind him or press him to do something for her. It just makes me sad and angry. Things could and should be better. I know me, my husband, and my stepson have the capacity to make things better…it is just other people that can’t play nice.

Then there is my own mom to acknowledge. I love her. I have forgiven her for…well I don’t feel like getting into all that right now but I have forgiven much. I want to get her something but I don’t want to go all out. I don’t really feel like spending any time with her right now–for my own sanity. I ordered some flowers–spent more than I wanted–and sent her a card. I’ll probably call her on the day. I guess I feel bad because I just don’t feel the love this year. I love my mother but I don’t feel like showing it–I don’t have a giving heart towards her at present. I feel like I have done enough. I am at a wall. I suppose that makes me feel guilty.

Then I get to feel guilty because Grandma Tammy is sending me something. I can’t get over feeling bad, especially since I took her daughters place…and I didn’t get anything for Grandma Tammy from the boys. And my husband will probably give me some small acknowledgement even if his son doesn’t. Then I’ll feel a small bit guilty if my stepson doesn’t remember to wish his mother happy (no matter how much of a CUNT she is–is there a Happy Cunt’s Day?) and I did nothing to remind him of the day.

I just want to skip it. Can we just skip Mother’s Day this year? That would be nice.