I had a bad day today where I did next to nothing and laid in bed most of the time. I am not sick but depressed; I am sleep deprived because I have really frustrating insomnia lately…all the stress is getting to me. Then to top it all off my husband is stressed out and in crisis mode because he has a huge inspection coming up at his job (he works in EMS). I had to try to talk him out of feeling so stressful–and I worry horribly because of his heart (he had a heart attack in August 2013) and family history of strokes; I was somewhat successful with this a couple of times but then he’d get worked up again and his blood pressure is up and he can’t sleep either. I was sleeping last night but then his insomnia woke me up and I couldn’t get back to sleep. UGH! We have been through too much since 2011. We need a break.
Also, I get depressed because I can’t help my husband that much right now. I can’t work a lot or make a lot of money right now. I wish I did so I could just tell him to quit his job. Then there is the constant drama with my nephews living with us.
Then my brother disappointed me once again. The deal is that I would take care of his children during the week and he would have them on the week-ends. Not only has money not been coming if for the boys, but the past 2 week-ends my brother has not shown up to get his kids. We got into it this week over him not being here– he does bank rehab work out-of-state and it is tough for him to be in Michigan at times, though his own lack of planning mucks him up too. Well all that and pure selfishness. Most times he only wants his kids when it is convenient for him. I could not get the foster care workers to see this even though they had first hand experience with my brother and all his drama and excuses. Well we got into it, he said he’d be here this week-end to take his boys but somehow he thought he leave for New York on a Thursday and be back on a Friday evening or Saturday morning…um NO! This time his van broke down. I really don’t know what to believe any more because he has (had) 2 vans and a car but he ALWAYS has some kind of vehicle problem and has no problems about lying to cover his ass and to be able to do what he wants to do. He always cries, “My bad luck!” But I see a lot of forethought and planning on his part, plus just plain old lying… I am just sick of all of the drama all the time. His bad luck should not rain down on me. Me and my husband need a break and I really think my brother should make other arrangements. Of course my parents aren’t much help– they are up north– and Nicole’s mother rarely helps (it is always something with her too). Though I had my dad lined up to come down this Saturday but my brother promised he’s be here so I didn’t have daddy come down. UGH! I feel like I am constantly being taken advantage of…and then my brother tries to appease me with promises of big money (in the future), a job at his company (really, do I need more drama?), and stand-by airline tickets he can get. All I want is to be able to rely on him to take his boys on the week-ends and for him to make sure the money I need to care for the boys and pay my bills is available to me.
All this got the better of me today. I stayed in bed…got up periodically to yell at the kids when they were getting out of hand…ordered pizza for linner (lunch/dinner)…and then finally got a few hours of sleep. Not I feel like I need to get something done so I got a load of laundry going and made the kids pick up their messes.
Insomnia sucks, being depressed sucks, being constantly let down sucks. I hope things get better soon. There is only so much that is within my control. I know that if my brother doesn’t get his act together I am going to tell him he needs to find somebody else to take care of the boys. Let him have to pay a nanny and then he’ll see how it is. I know no one else would put up with his shit and the pittance he wants to pay for the care of his kids.
Jacquelyn's Space 