Jacquelyn's Space

What do you do when you want to write but you don’t know what you want to write about? Write about the mundane…go stream of consciousness and just write. The thing that holds me up is lack of energy though. I am exhausted. And cold. And even though I may enjoy writing about the mundane, I can’t sell it, can’t make money doing it. And I hate living it. I need a change. I don’t think I was meant for domestic life. I don’t know how housewives do it. I do the same dishes over and over…I am sick of eating the same things…I did umpteen loads of laundry yesterday (really too many to count–washing, drying, folding, washing drying folding)…covered the same ground putting stuff away, back and forth throughout the house, pushing stuff into drawers, on shelves, and into closets…I even considered writing a post about how our house is bursting at the seams; it really it is you know with 6 people living here. I have too many clothes, the boys have too many clothes (but nothing to wear, or at least not all the right things–the boys need more warm clothes, more outdoor wear). I wish I could have a small room for just the closet. I wish I could have a whole new master bedroom and bath, then I’d make my current bedroom into a den, ha. I wish we has a basement on this place. I go back and forth questioning: should we add-on or try to move? Not sure it the house would sell, at least not what we’d need to sell for. But getting out of here seems like a good thing. Then I think I just need some organization, I can make it work…and that takes me back to the whole idea of not being cut out for being a domestic goddess. I like to have things organized, I just hate doing most of it. And I’d like to have a bigger house, though one of these days it will just be me and my husband again. I can’t wait for the day…though I still would like to get out-of-town….

My husband wants to take a trip to D.C. He has never been. I went a long time ago, in junior high. He has also mentioned going to Niagara Falls…he has been but I haven’t. I would like to go but I’d like to check out other places in New York (a lot of my ancestors on my mom’s side came through there) and also Canada. I have been many places in Canada but I really want to get to Montreal and Quebec because that is where my ancestors on my dad’s side of the family came from. So me and my husband would have to make quite the trip. We also talked about making a mega-camping trip to the U.P. I have been all over up there but my husband hasn’t been to the western most parts of Michigan. Right now a trip to a hot beach somewhere would feel really good right now. Damn it’s cold! Yes, I’d like to go someplace warm right now, maybe take a cruise. Ultimately, though, I’d like to plan a trip to Europe…the British Isles. That is my dream…

So I don’t really know what to do with myself. I feel stuck. Now I know why I didn’t have kids of my own. I didn’t really want them. The day-to-day gets me down. Yet, I would like to have daughter…just one child. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. I just hate that I don’t have that much in common with my nephews. They are into stuff that I just can’t get that in to. I had this same problem with my stepson a little bit. The difference is he wasn’t around all the time. These boys, these boys…I just can’t get into guns and shooter video games, Minecraft and Roblox. And then I cannot bring myself to get them involved in sports or Boy Scouts (not that they’re truly ready for it yet–behavior issues). I’d be running around every night of the damn week solely to take them to activities and to wait for them to get done. Where is the fun in that? I am a little selfish in that respect I suppose….And they are not even my kids. Truly not mine. I would feel like forever a stepmom, the other. I am wore out with feeling like that…

So see, I truly stuck good. I think I should take a class to break out of the rut. I don’t know if I have the energy. I need to do something but what?