Jacquelyn's Space

Let down again. My brother did pick up his boys again. He says he is on his way now but I have no idea when he will arrive. He will not tell me where he is at– yesterday I know he was in New York–and there have been many times he tells me he is on his way and it takes him hours and hours to get here. On your way from where? The moon? Can I get and ETA? The triflin’ motherfucker is high as a kite too…

So this morning there was no milk in the house. I didn’t expect to serve the boys breakfast. I was too tired to go to the store last night…

I had to get my ass motivated this morning and run to the store. Well, I had to run to the post office too, then I went to the grocery story with thoughts of donuts and bagels giving me the kick in the ass I needed. LOL. So I picked up a ‘few’ things, saw an old friend I hadn’t seen in a long time. Made my morning. I think I made my nephews’ Saturday morning because I bought them donuts and a Quiche. They love Quiche. Just waiting for it to heat up and then YUM!

The FedEx guy has already come and gone– he brought some of the stuff I ordered for Valentine’s Day. Yay! It is happening tonight! I am getting that stuff out early, ha 🙂 Well, if only these kids would get picked up.

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Should have bought 2 Quiches. The one I bought was just enough for each of us to have one piece. It was good but everybody loves Quiche and I know my nephews would have loved more. My husband made the comment “Real men don’t eat Quiche.” Ha! My youngest nephew said “That’s wrong. We’re men and we like Quiche….Well, we’re real men except for Aunt Jackie; she’s a gur-rl.” LOL, it was cute. Then I remembered I actually ordered a Quiche pan and recipe book over a year ago so I dug the book out (and found 4 books I am going to sell on Amazon along the way). I’ll have to try to make my own Quiche.

Looks like my brother is in Ohio. Grrr.

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I had to make the boys lunch. I hate making lunch. I rarely eat lunch; I usually only eat two meals a day and I mostly graze. I shouldn’t have to make the boys lunch because their dad should have picked them up already. He called a little over an hour ago and said he’d pick the boys up by 4pm. It is like why bother now? The week-end is half over. Plus it is a little after 4 now and he still isn’t here. Total BS. And to think my husband would get yelled at for being a few minutes late to pick up/drop off his son.  I should start being a super bitch like that but I don’t think it would do any good…anyway, a few minutes to an hour I am not too worried about or even it my brother was late like this once on a blue moon. It is the hours and days late on a regular basis that pisses me off.

I got naughty stuff on the brain! I have been super horny lately. Is that okay for a woman to admit? Ha ha ha ha haa. I don’t know what it is– I thought it was the early 30s that was the most friskiest time for women. I am hitting my mid-forties now and it is back again. Yikes.

I ordered me and my husband some stuff for Valentine’s Day. I can’t wait til it gets here. Valentine’s may just have to be a little early this year–HA! I will not tell you all that I ordered but I will confess to ordering some porn; I like porn. Is that okay for a woman to admit? It should be. I am not into anything really freaky or, hhmmm, super nasty or illegal…I just like to watch people fuck. At first I wasn’t into it. Hell, I was a virgin until I was 28 so it was a bit embarrassing, and a little stomach turning at times…but my husband has been a bad influence.

I did not order lingerie. I looked but I can’t justify spending lots of money on something that I’ll only have on for 2 minutes. Maybe for the romance side of things I will get us some champagne and chocolate.

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Oh yeah. I went through my lingerie– I got a lot of nice lingerie I never wear. Yikes! No need to buy more.

Today is a shopping day. I spent the morning shopping. I was looking for 2 large baskets to help get my house organized. I was also looking for some tall, narrow storage cabinets and I need a new bedside lamp. No luck finding anything. I went to Lowes, Wal-Mart, and Sears. I had a $20 gift card for Sears from my mother that I got for my birthday (she couldn’t afford much but hey, I didn’t expect anything so…). I ended up buying some nightgowns– one was on sale for $7! They had some pretty dresses in Sears but I decided I didn’t need any…ha. The darn Sears cashier talked me into opening a Sears charge card. Surprisingly enough, I was approved. They must be loosing up the credit requirements again. My whole debt to income ratio is out of whack because of student loans so I truly am shocked I was approved and the amount of the card. Good thing is I got a $20 credit for opening the card so I went back and bought some slippers I was looking at. I like Sears. I know it is not a trendy place to shop but I always find some good stuff there, and they usually have great deals.

I was going to go on over to Barnes and Noble and spend the gift card my husband got me for my birthday but I pooped out; I did some book shopping online instead. I bought a bunch of fiction, a little over the gift card amount. Barnes and Noble had a clearance sale going on so I got quite a few books for the money.

I previously ordered some medium size baskets from Amazon.com so I could organize my kitchen a little bit. Now that I bought a whole bunch of new dishes I needed to rearrange things a bit. I bought 4 square baskets from Amazon to help out– 2-3 for food storage on top my fridge and dining room pantry (had to add a cabinet in the dining room for more food storage when the kids came)…and one is going in my cabinets for plastic storage. I already had another square basket so that one is going in the cabinet for plastic storage as well. I spent the afternoon rearranging all that. Now I just need to rearrange and organize a few more cabinets and shelves and I may just have everything in a proper place.

Now if only I could find some decent tall, narrow storage cabinets and some large baskets…

My husband sent me that video today, ha ha. He said just keep the fat guy away. Now he knows I like him fine just plain–straight up. No Doritos necessary. LOL.

–Another naughty anecdote.

The other night we wanted to have some quality time but the cat was in the bed (he is deathly afraid that the cat is going to bat at his delicate places). I went out to the kitchen and banged the spoons and her dish around and then I gave her some food. Of course she came running and my husband called out something like “she heard that, she’s coming.” I went back in the bedroom and told him, “Yeah, I know what brings the pussy running.” LOL.

Yesterday I was feeling so anxious. I felt like something bad was going to happen–total unease. I couldn’t wait for my husband to get home from work…felt out of sorts because he was running late. This is so unlike me. I think my anxiety is totally due to the fact my brother hasn’t paid me for the care of his kids since December, but that is a different story.

My husband got home from work. Everything was fine but I still felt anxious. I decided to get on the treadmill for the first time in years. My husband uses it quite a bit but I don’t ever get on that thing. Last night I did and of course I couldn’t get it started…UGH! Stopped before I could get started. Not a huge help for my anxiety. The damn control panel is messed up. My husband has a way of starting it so finally I got going…

I wasn’t sure at first. I was ready to quit within the first four minutes. Everything was tight, especially my belly. This was after dinner so it was rough going. I stopped a minute to tie my shoe…

C’mon Jackie!

Yes. I got back on. I started really going on the thing. It was good too– I was smiling. Huffing and puffing but smiling. I did over 30 minutes on the treadmill and only slowed down one time in the beginning after my first little stop. It felt good. It got my endorphins hopping. I was happier when I got off. Sweaty but happy. I have never felt so good after exercising. My nephews were happy to see me exercising too, ha. What does that tell you?

Now I know I need that exercise. It was the first real exercise I have had since I don’t know when. I’ve been sitting around too much and that is not good for me. It is making my anxiety worse. I am not going to let the dam anxiety and depression run my life.

Read more, write more, exercise more!

I had a bad day today where I did next to nothing and laid in bed most of the time. I am not sick but depressed; I am sleep deprived because I have really frustrating insomnia lately…all the stress is getting to me. Then to top it all off my husband is stressed out and in crisis mode because he has a huge inspection coming up at his job (he works in EMS). I had to try to talk him out of feeling so stressful–and I worry horribly because of his heart (he had a heart attack in August 2013) and family history of strokes; I was somewhat successful with this a couple of times but then he’d get worked up again and his blood pressure is up and he can’t sleep either. I was sleeping last night but then his insomnia woke me up and I couldn’t get back to sleep. UGH! We have been through too much since 2011. We need a break.

Also, I get depressed because I can’t help my husband that much right now. I can’t work a lot or make a lot of money right now. I wish I did so I could just tell him to quit his job. Then there is the constant drama with my nephews living with us.

Then my brother disappointed me once again. The deal is that I would take care of his children during the week and he would have them on the week-ends. Not only has money not been coming if for the boys, but the past 2 week-ends my brother has not shown up to get his kids. We got into it this week over him not being here– he does bank rehab work out-of-state and it is tough for him to be in Michigan at times, though his own lack of planning mucks him up too. Well all that and pure selfishness. Most times he only wants his kids when it is convenient for him. I could not get the foster care workers to see this even though they had first hand experience with my brother and all his drama and excuses. Well we got into it, he said he’d be here this week-end to take his boys but somehow he thought he leave for New York on a Thursday and be back on a Friday evening or Saturday morning…um NO! This time his van broke down. I really don’t know what to believe any more because he has (had) 2 vans and a car but he ALWAYS has some kind of vehicle problem and has no problems about lying to cover his ass and to be able to do what he wants to do. He always cries, “My bad luck!” But I see a lot of forethought and planning on his part, plus just plain old lying… I am just sick of all of the drama all the time. His bad luck should not rain down on me. Me and my husband need a break and I really think my brother should make other arrangements. Of course my parents aren’t much help– they are up north– and Nicole’s mother rarely helps (it is always something with her too). Though I had my dad lined up to come down this Saturday but my brother promised he’s be here so I didn’t have daddy come down. UGH! I feel like I am constantly being taken advantage of…and then my brother tries to appease me with promises of big money (in the future), a job at his company (really, do I need more drama?), and stand-by airline tickets he can get. All I want is to be able to rely on him to take his boys on the week-ends and for him to make sure the money I need to care for the boys and pay my bills is available to me.

All this got the better of me today. I stayed in bed…got up periodically to yell at the kids when they were getting out of hand…ordered pizza for linner (lunch/dinner)…and then finally got a few hours of sleep. Not I feel like I need to get something done so I got a load of laundry going and made the kids pick up their messes.

Insomnia sucks, being depressed sucks, being constantly let down sucks. I hope things get better soon. There is only so much that is within my control. I know that if my brother doesn’t get his act together I am going to tell him he needs to find somebody else to take care of the boys. Let him have to pay a nanny and then he’ll see how it is. I know no one else would put up with his shit and the pittance he wants to pay for the care of his kids.