How did I get here? I was building a happy life but I took a wrong turn somewhere….
I hate to write it, I hate to think it but I think I took the wrong turn the minute I stopped being true to myself and tried to be the unselfish hero. It is a role I am not cut out for, at least not at this point in my life.
It is super hard taking care of kids that aren’t your own. Beyond hard…I don’t know how foster parents do this over and over again and for strangers no less; I have my nephews so I kind of knew what I was in for. And then there is the stepmom thing too…
Everything is complicated and hard to explain. Nothing is easy. And I can’t really talk to anybody about it. I can only attempt to write it here.
And then there is heartbreak…
I asked my nephews to clean their room; my oldest throws a fit, of course. I can’t deal with it so I don’t–do it or it is naughty chair. I’m not asking for much, certainly not asking for the room to be perfect– just picked up. It should not be too difficult.
Oldest is complaining and carrying on. Then I hear him talking about his mom–how she hates him and was abusive towards him. He was telling the other boys that his mom hates them too…that she doesn’t care about them, doesn’t love them. I had to put a stop to it– don’t want the other boys feeling worse than they already do. Their mom has not visited them for well over a year now; she hasn’t even made an attempt.
I yell out, “Hey, that’s not right, that’s not true.” Even though I truly don’t think their mom cares all that much for them. Not truly, not the way a mother should. My poor nephew thinks I think he is talking about me. I went into their room. I told him I know he isn’t talking about me and ask why is saying what he is saying. He just repeated what he said, “Our mom hates us. She doesn’t care about us and she was mean.” My other nephew chimed in, “Yeah, she hasn’t tried to visit us for a long time.” I had to tell him that she doesn’t hate them…that she loves them but she has problems. That had to cover it because to explain the complicated mess to them…well there really isn’t any way I could. I don’t think their mom HATES them but I do believe there is a lack of caring on her part. But she does have problems– this I always knew. She has always been troubled. And now she is Flint somewhere partying, living the lifestyle she always wanted– drinking and drugging, hanging out with men and probably trash. She is also trying to make money the old-fashioned way–as an escort, a prostitute more or less.
But I had to just shut my nephew down so he wouldn’t damage the other boys. The youngest refused to believe his mom hates him, he remembered a time when his mom was tickling him. My oldest nephew just talked about how his mom hit and kicked him so I pointed out to him that was part of the problems, her problems. Then I gave him a hug and told him I was sorry that he felt his mom hated him but I didn’t think it was true, that she just had problems and that is the way it is sometimes. That is just the way it is. That is all I could really say…
I feel so horrible that my nephews have to go through this. I feel bad that I can’t love them ‘enough’. In part because I am not their mother but in part, because I am just not equipped. I am not a touchy-feely kind of person; I am hard, too damn hard. There are conditions on my love, well most of it anway. Conditions that are rarely met and then I am unhappy.
Personally, I feel horrible because I hate being put in this position. I hate having to defend a person (a shitty person, a shitty mother) that I wouldn’t really give a rat’s ass for. I have done this before with my stepson–had to defend his mother to him, somewhat or at least try to figure out her behavior to keep the kid relatively happy and mentally healthy — I didn’t want to have to do it again. It is a losing battle…always. If a kid has a bad mother or a mother with problems then the kid will suffer no matter what anybody else tries to do to make up for it. That is the cold hard truth.
And I am ill-equipped to even begin to make up for shitty mothering. I try and try, I stretch and stretch til I feel like I am breaking. How much more can I give?
Jacquelyn's Space 