Jacquelyn's Space

The baby died.

Three little words, uttered without emotion by my four-year old nephew. His baby sister, my niece, had just died. Quite simple–she was here and then she was gone. Just about 6 weeks old. It happens…but why is it so hard to comprehend? To deal with?

The baby dying…I don’t understand why it is so hard on me, on my family. It has been over 3 years and I am still processing the death of my niece. I still can’t think about her death without crying. She was only 6 weeks old…she was only 6 weeks old. She wasn’t even my baby. I didn’t know her, but I held her little body, changed her diaper, I had hopes and dreams for her. Is it all about me? My selfish needs and desires…was it because my hopes and dreams for the little baby girl were snatched away from me?

When she died I was angry. I couldn’t process her death then, and it seems like I still can’t process it now. I felt sorrow at her death—mostly for her parents and grandparents. I was afraid…afraid of what her death would do to my parents. Rightfully so. When the baby died my family fell apart…and hasn’t been the same since then. We all fell apart in our own ways, in our own time. We are still dealing with the fallout of her death.

What is it about the death of a baby, the death of child that is so incomprehensible? A grief that is so destructive to people and relationships, but destructive in insidious ways…destroying in slow motion? You don’t know how it affects you, your family even though you know it is destroying you. You just can’t believe it happened, is happening.

Have we lost our faith in the world? Have we lost our faith in ourselves?

I belong to a few stepmom groups on Facebook. They regularly post questions. Tonight a question popped up, “Have you ever had to call the police on BM?” (BM=birth mom)…The question brought back a few memories. Many respondents had called the cops on BM, or if not the cops then CPS. Sad. Here is my response:

Almost, but no. I should have. She came up to my husband’s (he was my fiance at the time) work to bitch at him (not the first time–she did this many times, mostly to bitch about child support which my husband paid but was being held up by the state system). I was working there too and my stepson was there with us…I watched her push her son out of my husband’s doorway just to get to my husband in order to yell at him. She pushed her son into the door jamb injuring his elbow and then slammed the door in his face. We had no idea she was coming up there. I tried to distract my stepson while his mom yelled at his dad– you could hear her throughout the building. Stepfather came in and took my stepson out…BM continued to yell at my husband, I went to get some advice from other employees–should I call the cops? I felt that might upset my stepson. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and had to shut BM up so I went into my husband’s office. My husband was sitting behind his desk, BM was standing over him berating him. It was not a pleasant sight. I should have called the cops. I gave her hell but I wasn’t nearly as bad as I should have been. That was the last time she went up to my husband’s work to yell at him.

Now that I think of it, I am really too nice. I should have called the cops that day and I should have called CPS on BM too. Her is another post I made:

There was a time I should have called CPS on BM but didn’t…we had an issue with her leaving my stepson (then 10) home alone all day (about 8 hours 4 or 5 days a week during the summer). It is kind of a gray issue in our state.

Of course there is more to the story but too much to post in a Facebook group.

Oh the memories! Thank God all that stuff is over. I know things could have been worse with my husband’s ex but I also know they could have, should have been a lot better.

I should probably start removing myself from these stepmom groups– they bring up too much shit for me…yet there still might be a few bumps in the road or I may get my stepmother memoir off the ground and want to advertise.