Jacquelyn's Space

“You just want someone, anyone to have a shittier day, and a shittier life than you.”

Love this video. Sums up why so many people have nasty attitudes and try to treat others like they are worthless…

http://www.upworthy.com/a-customer-wants-to-make-a-waitress-life-miserable-so-the-waitress-blurts-out-the-truth?c=ufb1

I was thinking about some kind words to write about my husband, to let him know just how much he means to me and he beat me to the punch. This made me cry:

“Seven years ago today I married my best friend Jacquelyn McGlinchey at Walden Woods in Hartland.. Our wedding was great. Jackie planned the whole thing. All I did was show up and do as I was told. (just kidding I helped a little……by doing what I was told) I remember that an old family friend Norman Reid told me that he thought our wedding was “very classy”. Coming from him, a class act himself, I thought that was the greatest compliment. We had two chairs that were left empty with roses placed on them, reserved for my parents who I am sure were watching the whole thing from heaven. Walden Woods was the perfect venue. Of course leave it to us, one carelessly placed napkin and we almost burned the place down. The ceremony by the lake was beautiful, even if it was over 90 degrees outside. The food was fantastic. The reception was fun. I heard there was a wild after party at CC and Robs, but we did not make it. We had other things to do. I will never forget that day. Every day I wake up and thank God for my wonderful wife. Every day when the crap hits the fan I just think of her and I know that whatever happens, we can get through it. Thank you Jackie for the best years of my life and I look forward to too many more to count.”

The baby died.

Three little words, uttered without emotion by my four-year old nephew. His baby sister, my niece, had just died. Quite simple–she was here and then she was gone. Just about 6 weeks old. It happens…but why is it so hard to comprehend? To deal with?

The baby dying…I don’t understand why it is so hard on me, on my family. It has been over 3 years and I am still processing the death of my niece. I still can’t think about her death without crying. She was only 6 weeks old…she was only 6 weeks old. She wasn’t even my baby. I didn’t know her, but I held her little body, changed her diaper, I had hopes and dreams for her. Is it all about me? My selfish needs and desires…was it because my hopes and dreams for the little baby girl were snatched away from me?

When she died I was angry. I couldn’t process her death then, and it seems like I still can’t process it now. I felt sorrow at her death—mostly for her parents and grandparents. I was afraid…afraid of what her death would do to my parents. Rightfully so. When the baby died my family fell apart…and hasn’t been the same since then. We all fell apart in our own ways, in our own time. We are still dealing with the fallout of her death.

What is it about the death of a baby, the death of child that is so incomprehensible? A grief that is so destructive to people and relationships, but destructive in insidious ways…destroying in slow motion? You don’t know how it affects you, your family even though you know it is destroying you. You just can’t believe it happened, is happening.

Have we lost our faith in the world? Have we lost our faith in ourselves?

I belong to a few stepmom groups on Facebook. They regularly post questions. Tonight a question popped up, “Have you ever had to call the police on BM?” (BM=birth mom)…The question brought back a few memories. Many respondents had called the cops on BM, or if not the cops then CPS. Sad. Here is my response:

Almost, but no. I should have. She came up to my husband’s (he was my fiance at the time) work to bitch at him (not the first time–she did this many times, mostly to bitch about child support which my husband paid but was being held up by the state system). I was working there too and my stepson was there with us…I watched her push her son out of my husband’s doorway just to get to my husband in order to yell at him. She pushed her son into the door jamb injuring his elbow and then slammed the door in his face. We had no idea she was coming up there. I tried to distract my stepson while his mom yelled at his dad– you could hear her throughout the building. Stepfather came in and took my stepson out…BM continued to yell at my husband, I went to get some advice from other employees–should I call the cops? I felt that might upset my stepson. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and had to shut BM up so I went into my husband’s office. My husband was sitting behind his desk, BM was standing over him berating him. It was not a pleasant sight. I should have called the cops. I gave her hell but I wasn’t nearly as bad as I should have been. That was the last time she went up to my husband’s work to yell at him.

Now that I think of it, I am really too nice. I should have called the cops that day and I should have called CPS on BM too. Her is another post I made:

There was a time I should have called CPS on BM but didn’t…we had an issue with her leaving my stepson (then 10) home alone all day (about 8 hours 4 or 5 days a week during the summer). It is kind of a gray issue in our state.

Of course there is more to the story but too much to post in a Facebook group.

Oh the memories! Thank God all that stuff is over. I know things could have been worse with my husband’s ex but I also know they could have, should have been a lot better.

I should probably start removing myself from these stepmom groups– they bring up too much shit for me…yet there still might be a few bumps in the road or I may get my stepmother memoir off the ground and want to advertise.

First of all, my stepson has been on my shit list for 2 big reasons…

One has to do with money and the fact that he borrowed money from his dad and I and is very slow to pay it back.

The other is that he is very hard on my nephews…to the point of being hateful. I don’t know if it is because he resents them living with us (my 3 nephews ARE a handful) or if it is just the way he was brought up. Certainly his dad and I were not hateful to him when he was a kid (such as, right away yelling at him when he did something wrong or was disrespectful) so I wonder if it has to do with the way he was raised at his mom’s house. I really don’t know. The boy does lack patience…

He has also been on my shit list for a third reason, perhaps not as big as the other two but it is still a fairly big issue…

The boy does not help around the house and does not keep his room clean. My husband and I ask him to do things (more when he wasn’t working) and the kid simply ignores us. It is frustrating, especially when my stepson is not the even close to being a neat and clean person in the first place…no, he is not the cleanest and most considerate person by far.  Now his mom did try to tell us the kid was disrespectful but not in regards to cleaning and helping out around the house. Her biggest worry was his going out and being away from her. I can’t help but TO blame the woman for his disrespect in that regard and in others; after all she did raise him, and she raised him to put her first, his friends second (which of course took first place once the kid became a teenager and he started to assert some independence), and to put his dad (and me) last, if we were to even be considered at all.

But I will say this…my stepson has been helpful in providing transportation for his dad (who does not drive). That has been a plus, especially with the younger boys living with us and I cannot pick up and leave whenever I want to or am needed. Of course my stepson’s mother would probably say my husband is taking advantage of his son. She has said as much before. She often talks out of both sides of her mouth– accusing us of taking advantage of the kid when he volunteered to babysit my nephews, yet demanding the kid babysit his sister (her daughter). The kid is so disrespectful because he was going out with his friends too much (this only seemed to be an issue when he visited our house) yet was a ‘wonderful’ kid whenever we brought up issues. But I digress…

Of course, in my eyes, as a member of our family and household, my stepson should have some responsibilities–after all my husband got the kid his job (they both work for the same company) and we allow the kid (who is now 20 btw) to live with us rent free. Of course my husband does not receive child support.

Even with the help with transportation, my stepson still remains on my shit list. He has to pay us back but consistently is in financial insolvency. The boy does not know how to handle money and overdraws his checking account. And that brings up two other reasons why I am not happy with my stepson: One, he has taken up smoking cigarettes. Ugh! At least he does not smoke in the house but C’MON! He had 4 parents that didn’t smoke and he chooses to smoke. And two, my stepson has been going to strip clubs lately. I don’t know how much money he is spending there but I would rather the kid concentrate on paying his dad back and getting his finances in order. It was my hope that my stepson would save some money for a rainy day fund and a down payment on a house instead of blowing it all. So much for the perfect, wonderful child. I don’t really care that the kid is going to see naked women– he is male after all–nor do I care that he goes out–he is 20 after all, and needs to blow off some steam– it is just that I wish he would grow up a little more, okay, a lot more, and start acting like a responsible adult. I am sick of waiting.

Ugh.

I know, psychologists say people aren’t really grown until they are about 23 or 24 (or their brains aren’t fully formed until then), and sometimes longer for males. I knew this…I just thought my stepson had a little more sense, maybe…but then I think back at the hype (and all the drama over stuff that shouldn’t have been an issue), and then who influenced the kid the most…the same person that didn’t get the kid some help when it was warranted…well…again I digress.

But…

Yikes! Certain people think kids are grown at 18! How DUMB. No, at 18 kids still have a ton of growing up to do and it requires a mountain of understanding and patience from parents. HA! Funny, I haven’t been feeling all that understanding or patient these last few years. I am not all sweetness and light…I try, I do try. Yet no matter why and for how long the kid remains on my shit list (perpetually, forever?), though, I cannot say I don’t have a deep love for my stepson–I do. Of course, my husband loves him more and puts up with much more from his son…

Well, I suppose we’ll make it through it all eventually. We are almost there. I hope.

My husband and I went to Mackinac already this year. It was a kind of spur of the moment type thing. The Murray Hotel was running a special and my husband, half-joking, said we should go over Memorial week-end. In a drowsy haze I told him, “Book it.” So he did. We went up on a Saturday and spent 2 nights on the Island. We did lots of hiking (we had great weather)…we went out and got plastered. It was nice to be kid free. Now what to do for our anniversary? I don’t know…

It was foggy over the Straits on the ferry ride back. So awesome!