Jacquelyn's Space

Being depressed sucks. I have been depressed for well over a year now. It is the worst kind of depression too– I don’t feel all that sad. I just feel angry. Even when I don’t feel angry, I am angry. It is always there. Never had I had such an insidious bout of depression. I know I am depressed…I can’t break out of it. I suppose I should turn to meds again.

But I don’t want meds. I wanted to try to pregnant…it really is my last chance…these few years before I am really into my forties. Of course now is not the time to get pregnant.

What’s worse is I am reading The Fault in Our Stars…it is a book about kids with cancer. They are dying of cancer. They want a life and cannot have one. I have a life and I am not living it– all I want to do is lay in bed, sleep and eat– slowly killing myself.

I want to throw the damn book across the room, in part because of the unfairness of it all. For me– not being able to live my life, and for kids with cancer who can’t live theirs…not the way they want to. And I get pissed at all the time I waste trying to figure out why I don’t want to get out of bed and being angry…

I couldn’t loathe myself more.

Interesting things you come across just surfing along…

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/12/internet-prediction-1993_n_4949846.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

This interested me:

“This year, a group of Canadian university researchers published an in-depth look into the psychology of Internet trolling. They found that trolls have a set of personality traits referred to as the “dark tetrad,” composed of Machiavellianism (desire to manipulate and deceive others), narcissism (vanity), psychopathy (lack of remorse and empathy), and sadism (pleasure in the suffering of others). Basically, the trolls are as crazy as you thought.”

Having run into a few people like this, and not just on the internet, I had to look it up.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_triad

And this has been the motivating factor behind everything I have done as a stepmother, as the girlfriend and wife to a divorced father. Unfortunately too many divorced mothers do not realize the value of their EX as a father. They (certain ‘mothers’) think they can be replaced and/or forgotten about. It is a terrible thing, horrible and sad, and damaging to children.

I sort of have a stepmother now. My parents split up in 2012 (after 42 years of marriage) and divorced in 2013. Once my dad realized he couldn’t save his marriage, he hooked up with an old high school girlfriend. Soon they were living together at her place. Then they moved up to my dad’s place up north.

The place my parents made for their retirement.

Needless to say it is a little weird to go there and have another woman in my mother’s place. Even for me, a woman in her forties — it is hard to see your parents have relationships with other people. I can’t imagine how kids (children with divorced parents) deal with it. I don’t have to live with either parent so I can just acknowledge the awkward, strange feelings and move on…putting it behind when I go on to live my own life, in my own home.

My dad and his girlfriend aren’t married yet. I don’t know if they ever will be. I am not sure how I’d feel if they decide to get married. I certainly don’t need another mother. I feel I am too old for a stepmother. Ha…

But me and her (her name is Patty) tread easy. She is nice and we seem to have much in common. She does not seem to be the mothering type, at least not with me. She probably realizes I am too old for a new mother. I do know Patty does not like my mother and I am okay with that. I didn’t like my mother much either, after what she put my dad through. Patty became reacquainted with my dad in the middle of the shit-storm. Of course, I hope everybody can get along in the future.

And I hope, with time, that the awkwardness, the strangeness of the situation will fade.

5-7 inches of new snow? Bring it on! I really could go for another big snow… for some reason I am not ready for spring. One more snowstorm, one more substantial fresh snowfall would be a welcome blessing.

Me and my husband had some fun last night– we always have fun together…

Of course it follows that the day after I am disgruntled. Well, I am tired for one, not enough sleep and all that. But stupid things happen too– like the boys’ bathroom toilet is plugged beyond plunging. These damn kids, my stepson included. Why can’t it just be me and my husband, always?

We need to go away together alone for a while…

I need to make that happen soon. Maybe for our anniversary.

Time to start counting down the days.