Jacquelyn's Space

I got more dishes and more laundry done today. My husband and I went to the bank and grocery shopping. Don’t need to worry about those things for a minute. We even stopped for lunch and tried out Freakin’ Unbelievable Burger– this is an almost new burger joint in town. Good burgers but not as good as The Torch in Flint, Michigan.

But I still have tons of paper writing to do. Cannot scratch off an assignment yet. I am waiting on a breakthrough…I guess I’d better stop waiting and make it happen.

***

6 hours later…

Not inspired to do any homework yet. I napped a bit. Watched 3 hours of ghost shows. Sleepy. Got up to try to do some homework but still a no go. I did yet another load of dishes and more laundry. Booo. 3-23-2014, 1:45am

Yikes! I know what to write about.

It’s 2014 so that means I am now 42 going on 43. I’ll be 43 in December. OMG! I kinda’ want to have a baby of my own (preferably a daughter). Kinda’ sorta’…

Well I know my chances of getting pregnant worsen as I age. I thought  that by my late thirties my chances were down to about 10%. I guess it isn’t so…

http://www.babycenter.com/0_age-and-fertility-getting-pregnant-in-your-40s_1494699.bc

But this year…before I turn 43…this is the year my chances greatly weaken. I should really try before December.

I must lose weight. I must lose weight. I think that has been what has keeping me from getting pregnant.

http://www.babble.com/pregnancy/how-to-get-pregnant-after-40-fertility-treatments/

Then I find this article that says I may have more of chance than I think…that the data about fertility after 40 is really old and inaccurate. Yay!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2377056/A-controversial-new-book-claims-getting-pregnant-35-far-easier-doctors-say.html

So I am an on a roll, posting a blog post (no matter how boring) everyday this month…well since February 27. I don’t know what to post for today. Nothing new going on, just more of the same. I don’t feel like doing anything though I have lots to do. I spent the day in bed, napping. I called off from work. Blah!

But things are looking up. I finally got some money for the boys after almost 2 months of nothing. That is a relief.

I feel a bit better than I have– like I can accomplish something, finally.

I made my TO  DO list and it doesn’t seem too overwhelming– I just need to get to it.

Here is the stuff I need to accomplish:

Go to the bank

Dishes (never-ending)

Laundry (never-ending)

Adolescent Lit paper (4-6 pages) — TODAY

Irish Lit paper, The Commitments (3-4 pages) (past due –FRIDAY/SATURDAY)

Finish reading The Infinities

Irish Lit paper, The Infinities (3-4 pages) (past due—SATURDAY)

Listen to the lectures

Visit the discussion board

Read the papers…

Irish Lit paper, The Blackwater Lightship (work on SUNDAY–due Monday, March 24)

American Novel paper (2-6 pages) (past due)

American Novel report, Erasure (due whenever)

Irish Lit presentation, Emma Donoghue (due April 8)

Adolescent Lit article critique (due April 16)

Adolescent Lit author study (due April 16)

If I get all this done by March 28–31, all I’ll have to work on for April is two big papers—one for Irish Lit and one for The American Novel—and maybe some small papers for Irish Lit. 

**

So I got a load of dishes and a load of laundry going on…made the kids pick up their room and go them a snack. Chewed out my nephew Kenny for lying about his homework; soon I’ll have to get started on mine.

Here I am wrestling with another tedious assignment. I got one done last night. I need to get one done tonight. Then I have 3 more overdue.

All I want to go is relax and be lazy…and/or read.

Read and discuss = good. (Had a good discussion in class tonight.)

Tedious writing assignments = bad.

I’d rather be working on writing fiction and my memoirs.

Should have went to the library tonight.

What a wonderful–PEACEFUL–couple of hours. My class let out early this evening (thank God) so I went to the library. I sat so I could look out over the Flint River and campus. I watched the twilight deepen into night. I got one tedious assignment done. It was lovely. I need to do this more often.

And since this needs images here are some of the library from the ‘net:

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I was up on the third floor.

Things to do today:

Get my act together.

Which means get my ass out of bed and complete at least two assignments for school.

I’ll be back later to report on my progress.

**

Not going so well. So fucking irritated. First of all I am sick of the kids. Sick of the whining and the crying because they have to do homework, or clean their room, or something else they don’t want to do. I don’t want to stand over them and crack the whip. So fucking tired of it. I have my own damn homework I need to do…expend the energy on.

I am fucking sick of dealing with other people’s children. So sick of it. I didn’t raise any of these children from birth so why am I stuck correcting their bad behavior, essentially the mistakes of others…correcting parenting failures.

Not to mention the fact that, as a pseudo-mother (a mother stand-in, placeholder, or erstwhile usurper)– step or foster– I feel like nothing I do will ever be appreciated because…well just because I am not their birth mother. It is like I have to go above and beyond for any respect, love, recognition…fight a constant battle against a fucking IDEAL, a ghost really. It is a fight I have always known I’d be on the losing end of so I don’t even engage in it, yet the damn kids expect it! SICK OF IT!

And then there is visitation. Fucking visit when you say your going to visit. They are your kids and they are counting on you. Either you want to see them, under whatever circumstances, or you do not. And I am not talking about a little late– 5-10 minutes, or even 20-30 minutes isn’t a big deal. But a consistent hour or two late is completely unacceptable. I just wish the damn parent would show up within the hour he said he was going to, not over 2 fucking hours later. I am sick of apologies– they do nothing for me.

Still no homework done– don’t feel like doing it at all.

**

Well, I got a little done last night but not two assignments. I got a start on one and I did some posting for my online class.

Still have to scratch some stuff off my TO DO list.