Read this excerpt from another blog:
unnecessarywisdom
The Anti-Step Mom
“I was a child of divorce. Two divorces actually. And I lived in three families: my biological parents, my dad and step-mom, and later, my mom and step-dad. By the time I married my now ex-husband, I was pretty convinced I’d be a great step-mom, having had such a thorough and varied experience living in step-families.
I was therefore shocked to discover I had feelings of true animosity when our new family was first formed. Jealousy, insecurity, ineptitude and competitiveness just to name a few. I was ashamed to have these feelings because I loved my step-daughter very much. Ellie was an angel, just 6 years old, and she adored me. Why was I being so immature?
Forming a step-family requires a lot of emotional maturity. And a lot of emotional growth. There is the ever-present reality that your partner loved someone before you. And he loved her a lot. He married her. And they shared something you never will. That first time down the aisle. That first time getting a positive pregnancy test back. And that first time holding a first baby. A lot of firsts. You can never share that with him and you can never compete with those memories. And there is a constant reminder of that. There is a child.”
From:
http://unnecessarywisdom.wordpress.com/2013/04/17/the-anti-step-mom/
Certainly interesting BUT not my story, not my journey, and not my problem!
I get so fucking tired of reading this kind of shit from step-mom blogs and articles. I absolutely hate that these complaints are too often used to characterize the stepmother journey. Granted, the feelings and complaints are a part of SOME stepmothers’ feelings and problems with the role but they hardly tell the story for all us and many of us never have a problem with jealousy, the fact that our man loved someone else before us (or may have loved—the love certainly can be called into question) , etc….Our problem(s) have more to do with people characterizing us as jealous and wicked, that the problems mentioned in the blog were true for all step-moms when they are not, not being accepted as a mother and a part of our step-kids lives when others, such as the step-dad certainly are, and even to do with the birth moms shitty treatment of us, her ex-husband, and her own kids.
I was not jealous of my stepson or his mother. I always recognized my stepson had a place in my husband’s life and that he, as a child, would often have to take priority. I also realized that I was not my stepson’s mom– he had a mother– and that I could never usurp that role nor did I want to. I did not resent my stepson’s presence in my husband’s life nor the presence of my stepson’s mother in his life, not to mention the fact that my husband (or boyfriend) would have to have contact with her for the sake of the child they shared.
I never had a problem with the fact my husband loved somebody before me– he didn’t know any better, he hadn’t met me yet, LOL. I loved someone before him too. As for being first with all the other stuff– I have never given a rat’s ass about any of that. The love my husband and I share is a first for us, if you care about such things, and it is unique to us. Anything we do together is always going to be a first for US and special. I loved our wedding and never even thought that he had already had another one. Who cares! I also never even thought about the fact that his son was his first and possibly only biological child and that it all happened with his ex-wife. I just accepted that when I met my husband and figured out that we were going to be together. It was not something that bothered me one bit and I suppose if it had then I would have thought twice about being with him for the long haul. I always think about all the special times we have had and that is enough for me. If I happened to ever conceive a child I feel it would be just as special for him, perhaps even more so, as with his son. I never thought that had anything to do with being first and I truly believe this need to be first is a problem some people have that is not unique to stepmothers but a personality flaw.
Competitiveness and jealous in my stepmother journey have always originated with my stepson’s mother even though she was the one that left my husband and initially wanted the divorce. I never had a problem with competitiveness and jealousy other than being on the receiving end of it and how it all affected my stepson. I did not understand it– could not fathom why. I felt like I was not a threat and did not make any threatening actions or statements in the very beginning. Only later did I realize that no matter what I did, most birth mothers will always see other women in their kids lives as a threat. Sad and totally unnecessary.
My problems also have to do with the fact that my stepson’s mother did not treat my husband well or very fair. In my opinion that woman did everything she could possibly do (and still maintain her image/ego) to fuck up my husband’s and my relationship with HER son. That has always been my biggest problem with this whole stepmother, step-family, divorce thing. I feel with a lot of step-mothers my experience is true and that the problems of step-mothers rest squarely with the birth mom (the ex) and HER problems and insecurities along with the parental alienation that often goes hand and hand with one parent feeling insecure, loss of control, and threatened in some way, no matter if the threat(s) is based in reality or just a product of a birth-mom’s over-protectiveness and/or imagination, ego (sometimes mental illness).
Jacquelyn's Space 