Jacquelyn's Space

A recent post on Facebook:

SS, SD = stepson, stepdaughter

BM = birth mother

How would you handle this……
SS13 and SD11 are both in summer sports that require transfer of gear. We specially bought bags for both to keep their gear in and EVERY week they come from their mothers it’s “forgotten” and DH has to wait for BM to drop it off. We have said multiple times to drop it on our porch before DH gets off work, BM never has.
(We always send kids with the gear)
We think BM is deliberately doing it? DH says he they don’t come with it, they aren’t going? I don’t know…..

Respondent:

13 & 11 is definitely old enough to handle the responsibility of bringing back their clothes and their athletic equipment. Put it on them, not BM.

Original Poster:

The only thing is BM shuffles the kids between her house (weekdays) and BF’s house (weekends) and they come on Mondays from BF’s house…… And we CONSTANTLY hear “it’s at mom’s house”

Original Poster:

That is why I debate keeping the kids accountable.

Respondent 1:

The kids KNOW they will be returning home regardless which house they are at. Tell them take the stuff with them if they will be going to bf’s house. Learning responsibility now will only help them as they age, right?

** My Response:

The bad thing is it is hard to hold them accountable if BM isn’t at all or doesn’t help teach them to be responsible OR actually works against you. My SS BM used to do stuff on purpose, like tell or keep SS from bringing stuff (the old “have your dad buy you…” or “This stays at my house, not dad’s…”). It confuses the kid and I daresay makes them feel helpless which in turn works against learning responsibility. It really is a form of PAS on BMs part. SS’s BM always tried to make things as uncomfortable as possible for whatever reasons so me and DH had a hard time teaching the kid accountability…it is sad.

AND,

Sorry, don’t really have any advice. Have you sat down and seriously talked to the kids about this issues? Perhaps that and laying out the consequences if they do not bring their gear…and/or perhaps your DH having a serious discussion with BM and telling her the consequences the kids will suffer. IDK…nothing much worked with my SS and we often had to make trips back to BM’s house to get stuff. 

**

I don’t really have any, or much, advice… it is a difficult situation made so by a BM that obviously doesn’t really care about her kids activities or teaching her kids responsibility. I don’t really agree with the respondent to the original poster– yes, kids that are 13 years old should remember to bring their stuff between houses BUT if their mom has never tried to teach them this or made it a priority then the kids won’t. It is lackadaisical parenting which in turn shows itself in lackadaisical kids.

More respondents:

If they don’t bring their gear, they don’t participate. 11 and 13 is old enough to be responsible for things that are important to them. Do they have cell phones? If so, I bet they don’t forget those!

The kids should be responsible. You can’t truly know if BM is doing it on purpose or not. You’re teaching the kids great responsibility. My parents are teachers and so they could never bail me out when I forgot something. I was SOL. It made me learn to be responsible for my own stuff.

True dat!!

But….other responses from me (ha):

This is really a hard situation…yeah, you don’t know if BM is doing it on purpose for sure unless there is a history of it or she has made comments about stuff like that…then you can suspect. I am a firm believer in kids learn by example and BM is a strong influence in her kids life; if she is not really making teaching the kids responsibility for their stuff or visits with dad a priority then the kids will follow her example. Phones– yeah, kids aren’t going to forget their phone because it keeps them in contact with their friends and perhaps BM. My SS rarely forgot his cell phone because that was his top priority but also it was a priority with BM (she bought it, made it a big deal, etc..), as well as with dad (DH always on the phone due to work). This is why, yes the kids should be accountable but they do need guidance from adults. Even when they are teens — heck, they aren’t adults yet and still need lots of impulse control. 

A respondent asks:

Even if she IS doing it on purpose, what can you really do about it?

And my response:

Right, there is not much other than DH talking things over with her (of course not accusing her). But it is alienating to make the kids solely responsible, or to hammer in the responsibility issue with them. Something, some procedure, needs to be put in place during drop off or pick up to remind the kids to grab their stuff.

It just sucks if being responsible is only being taught on one side of the parenting equation…it doesn’t work so well with a lot of kids. My SS still has a hard time with stuff like that and I do blame BM because she made herself a priority, her needs and wants (and really trying to stick it to DH), and not SS. We did what we could but we only had SS part time…I don’t know how much OP has her SKids. 

**

As you may be able to tell, I am really passionate about this stuff. I don’t know why really but it has always gotten me fired up…divorce is a shitty situation for kids and it is made worse by parents that don’t even try to get along or make their kids a priority over their dislike for their ex.