Jacquelyn's Space

This needs to be re-posted because it needs to be said over and over until someone, a ‘mother’, helps her kid. The kid needs help with gas money to get to class and to look for a job, he needs $500 for his EMT class tuition or he will not be able to graduate, and/or he needs $250 to take a lifeguard class because he could get hired at a local university if he had the training. The kid’s dad and I are footing the bill for his transportation (he has been using our car and gas but we have also been paying his truck insurance +),  and his room and board; we do not have the money to do more. I think it is only fair that the kid’s own mother and stepfather help out a little especially when they are the ones that ‘helped’ the kid into the situation he is in.

A big part of my motive in originally posting this was to make this ‘wonderful’ mother recall all the child support my husband paid over the years and to point out that some of that money should have been saved–more than enough especially when you consider the fact it was expected that the mother would contribute financially to the upkeep of her child as well (it was supposed to be a 60/40 split in the eyes of the state–in the specific situation, around or a little over a $1000 a month for one child which should have been more than plenty). Yes, some of that money should have been (and very easily could have been) put away for the kid’s college or training after high school or at least as a start up fund for when the kid is ready to be out on his own.

I am not talking about an exorbitant amount of money but some funds should have been put away and the kid should be receiving some financial help now, either from his mother or from some kind of savings which should have been done over the years. I don’t think that was too much to expect…and I don’t think it is too much to expect or ask for this ‘mother’ to help her son out now. At least the kid should have health care and a little bit of monetary help.

For me, I am just sick of so-called wonderful mothers taking advantage of the system, men/baby daddies, and their own kids and mismanaging money (or perhaps misappropriating) designated for the care of their kid(s). Mothers like that give new meaning to the word deadbeat. The money should be used (or saved) for the kids’ needs and not the mother’s needs or desires or to support her household overall. I do not think this money, essentially the kids’ money, should be used to pay bills like rent/house payments and car payments in the mother’s household especially when there are (or were) two working adults living in the household. Hell, even if there is/was only one parent (as in single-parent households) because  they would have to have a place to live and transportation whether they had custody of children or not. Some changes need to be made in the child support, welfare, and disability systems. There must be more accountability!

Ah well, at the very least my husband and I can say we always tried to do right by our son (and others), even when other parents did not.

Needs to be said:

Grrr. I just love ‘wonderful’ mothers who think their children are grown as soon as they turn 18….or wait– almost as soon as the child support stops. How lovely.

Oh, yeah, there is the control issue too. Those mothers who, if they can’t control their kid then they’re not interested. How wonderful.

My stepson joined the Navy, in part because he was influenced by his mother and he wanted to please her. He was not cut out for the Navy and got separated Now he is back home and living with us. Don’t get me wrong, we love having him live with us and want to help him out– as long as it takes. I have never been of the mindset that you turn your kids lose when they hit 18/19 (and graduate high school), consider them grown and a parent’s job (such as it is) is done. Sure they are a legal adult but they are not truly an adult yet, not grown-up and not wholly mature. So my husband and I want to help and have been. But I (we) think that the kids mother should be helping too. She could give him a little bit of money for gas and food. Not much, but some to help out. The kid is going to a class twice a week and is looking for a job though he doesn’t have the gas (or money for gas) to do it. My husband has been putting gas in his son’s truck or we let him use our car.

But why should it be all on us? Didn’t my husband pay child support for his kid all those years? Close to $650 a month in the last years (while the kid was working a part-time job no less); it was between $410 and $450 the years prior (whenever I tell people what my husband pays–divorced mothers even– they are always surprised and say “That much?!” OR “For only one kid?!”). Why wasn’t any of that put away for the kid? You know for a college fund (or for EMT class), start-up fund, or for times such as this….

Oh yeah, I forgot. The ‘wonderful’ mother probably thought some of the money was for her use. Her ‘pay’ for taking care of her own kid. Or maybe she was making the kid (a minor child) pay rent and utilities all those years (bills you have to pay regardless– whether or not you have kids or are divorced). I just think it is BS. Some of the child support should have been put away for the kid, or if not, his mother certainly could be helping her kid out now– with $50 – $100 a month (not much, $10-20 bucks a week) for gas and food until he gets a job. We’ll take care of the rest.

There is the fact that my stepson is afraid to ask though. I get the impression that it has been hammered into him that his mom has money problems and can’t be asked…shouldn’t be asked. Maybe he has been shot down too many times. I don’t know.

But his mother should help him out.

Then there is my stepson’s pride– he does want to stand on his own. Unfortunately he needs the help now and doesn’t realize that his dad might not have all the money in the world; or doesn’t realize that his dad might have had some goals, some other plans for his money.

Besides, my stepson’s mother should be helping him out too.

Oh yeah, those pesky control issues. Because the kid doesn’t live with his mother maybe she doesn’t want to help him out. That is one impression the kid is getting– no, more than an impression because he even told me his mother said that because he isn’t living under her roof she was cancelling his health insurance (she supposedly told the kid to ask his dad to put him on his health insurance, not realizing that it would cost $400 a month–oh yeah, she doesn’t care anyway). Now that is really messed up, especially in this day and age, in these hard times. Plus, his mom actually kicked him out because he was spending too much time with his friends (and/or his dad and me). She actually packed up his stuff and had it waiting for him. Again, that is really messed up. She seems to be playing mind games with her own son. Now the kid (and me too) feels that she is trying to control him, to guilt him into moving back in with her. For some reason, he doesn’t seem to want to– go figure.

I must say, the kid isn’t a bad kid. Yes, he has a lot to learn, and yes some of it is about appreciation and respect but there are better ways of teaching a kid these things and it should have been modeled for him long before now. Someone hasn’t modeled the proper behavior for him. —Don’t even get me started on getting the kid some counseling.

So that is a ‘wonderful’ mother for you.

To my way of thinking, I think a mother should help out her son. Now I am not saying she should let him take advantage of her, or should spoil him but he should be given some help. Especially since she was supported (and the kid was) in her ‘mothering’ of him. Especially since she did her kid a wrong turn or two by kicking him out of her house for no good reason, taking back the car that was given to him as a gift, and not to mention the big one: influencing her son to go in the Navy when it was somewhat evident that he wasn’t right for the military, and then not really helping him when he came home.

No! who cares about all that? A mother should help out her children and there shouldn’t be strings attached; it shouldn’t be about control and her desires. Both parents should help out their kids if they can, no matter what age they are. All parents really, even step-parents. I know I would help my stepson out if I had the money. I would give him health insurance if I had the money to pay for it. Unfortunately, as a full-time student and part-time McDonald’s worker, I don’t have the money. In part I am helping the kid out because he does live in my home and I buy food for meals. I let him use my car.

So that needed to be said…well, written in this case because there are some people you just can’t talk to.

UPDATE:

My stepson told me today that his mother told him she won’t give him gas money. Real nice, especially since he used the gas he needs to get to school to go see his sister’s band concert (actually his half-sister– his mom and step-dad’s daughter). His mother continues to prove me right though somehow I don’t feel triumphant– she is rotten, rotten; a piece of trash for refusing to help her son a little bit. I mean at least she could give her money, the amount of her choosing– “her support”–directly to her son and know that it is being spent directly for his benefit. She should imagine if she had to pay child support!

It is just sad.

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Re-reading this just makes me think that some mothers are just pissy little (or big) bitches that shouldn’t have never had kids because they run into problems the minute their kid starts thinking for themselves and becoming their own person. Mommy can’t handle that! “My kid is an extension of myself…to feed my ego.” How selfish. Yeah, these types of moms aren’t interested in their kids once they aren’t what mommy wants them to be, or once they don’t do and act the way mommy thinks they should; this type of mother just washes her hands of the kid as soon as they aren’t ‘useful’ to her (to her ego, her image, etc.). Don’t get me wrong, I know its hard–most mothers have trouble with this to some degree but it is the narcissistic ones, the pissy little bitches, that can’t seem to balance out what they want, their desires, versus doing what is best for their kid.