Because every stepmother needs one. I found this cool blog called “Stepfamily Sanctuary”
http://www.stepfamilysanctuary.com/
Unfortunately I don’t believe there is any real ‘sanctuary’ for stepfamilies but a stepmother can find or create her own partial sanctuary. Part of this is done by finding places (and yes, it does take many) that she can tell her story, identify with others, seek advice, gain perspective, laugh, and feel others understand -at least in some way- what she goes through. No one place is IT – it takes many, but it is always heartening to find a few things to laugh over, cry over, and relate to. The blog above seems to be such a place, and this page (link below) from that blog. All comments are from readers – it is all always great when someone else expresses exactly what you feel. Can I get an AMEN.
http://www.stepfamilysanctuary.com/2008/04/dont-you-hate-it-when.html
A few comments/quotes I can truly identify with:
“The ex-signifcant other lies to the kids about you.”
“The bio-mom thinks you are trying to replace them. Why would she think that and what makes her think I’d want her kids?”
“You become a “wallet” to your children’s mother…good enough to provide financial support but not good enough to be a positive influence in your child’s life emotionally, mentally, and physically.”
“You are the one who struggles and sacrifices to better yourself in your job and the ex is the only one that benefits when she gets support raised because you’ve worked and sacrificed for a better position? Be real…how much does it cost to raise a child? BOTH parents need to be equally financially responsible for their child. Any support that goes above the “half” of the non-custodial parent’s responsibility is nothing more than spousal support for the custodial adult and not the child. As a woman, I would have more pride in myself and my abilities to take care of myself rather than mooching off an ex. Where are these women’s pride and dignity?”
“The ex feels threatened by a step-parent? My ex feels threatened by my wife and her relationship with the kids. Ex thinks that stepmom is trying to take her place with the kids. My wife loves my kids, but she doesn’t WANT my kids for herself. She likes it when they go back to their mother’s house. If the ex would get over herself and her own bitterness, perhaps she’d see things more clearly, she’d quit acting like a spoiled child and try to get along. If she did, she’d be surprised at how wrong she’s been all these years.”
“As a new step-parent you are expected to know all of the “rules”, yet no one can actually tell you what they are?”
“BM competes to be the first to buy the kid a new toy or gadget but won’t let the kid take it to his dad’s house; BM says “Have your dad buy you one.” Must a child have two of everything? Plus, what of the child support – it could be argued that dear old dad already bought at least half of whatever BM provides. Very nice BM, very nice – take all the credit for support then make dad look like the bad guy because he cannot or will not unecessarily provide his child with two of everything.”
“When the stepkids blow off dad and the rest of their family with dad for self-preservation rather than dealing with their mother’s behavior, anger, etc. over them having a relationship with any of them, including half-siblings who get hurt everytime the stepkids hang up on them, ignore them, pretend they don’t exist, etc. after years of closeness (which finally disintegrated after years of emotional manipulation from the ex).”
“…that the ex uses the children as pawns in her sick game but will “pawn” them off on her parents/babysitters/neighbors/hobos every chance she gets!”
“The ex expects you to chase her in order to get information on the kids…like it’s some type of dating/relationship ritual instead of dad trying to get information on his child’s health/school from their mother!”
Okay, so there are more than a few. And people wonder why stepmothers need sanctuaries, why they are the way they are, why they may dislike the birth mom (oh it couldn’t be anything BM has done, oh no, never – it is just jealousy), and why stepmothers are starting to speak out more and more.
And then there is this, the only half-way decent poem about being a stepmother I could find yet it is so sad:
http://www.stepfamilysanctuary.com/2008/12/stepmothers-poem.html
What is a stepmother?
A step below or a step above?
Someone for you to (sometimes) love?
Someone to share your laughter and tears?
Or do you grow quiet when she comes near?
*****
What is a stepmother?
A step above or a step below?
Someone to teach you and help you to grow?
Is she a mystery to you, or someone you know?
Are you true with your feelings, or are they for show?
*****
I’m a stepmother, so let me define
What a stepmother is, at least in my mind
A stepmother cares for her family and home
And loves her step kids like they were her own
She fixes their meals, treats a cold, ties a shoe
Anything that a kid’s real mom would do
*****
A stepmother consoles you when you feel sad
And hands out a punishment if you are bad
She’ll tuck you in bed and read you a story
And yet, it’s the real mom that gets all the glory
*****
A stepmother hides the tears that she cries
When mother’s day comes and then just slips by
With no card, and no hug, though she really feels sad
She won’t let you see it, won’t let you feel bad
*****
She feels like an outsider but tries to fit in
If you’re playing a game with her, she’ll let you win
She makes sure your birthday is one special day
And when hers is forgotten, she’ll just look away
*****
When your teen years come, life gets much tougher
With a stepmother these years, for her, are much rougher
You may say or do something that injures her feelings
Please keep in mind that she hurts while she’s healing
*****
Your stepmother has done the best she could do
And no matter your age, she’ll always love you
For her birthday, the best present to get her
Is the most precious of all, that you didn’t forget her
Yes, it does help to read all the bad stories; it helps to write all the bad stories; it helps to read a sappy ass poem because there is truth there. It helps to pull from many stories, many places, many perspectives but at the same time accept the TRUTH of your own story, your own feelings, your experiences, and your perspective. It helps to get it out there, to not sweep it under the rug because a stepmother should be the ‘bigger person’, a stepmother should understand everyone else, never complain but don’t expect the same in return. NO – that is what keeps the horrible situations, behavior, and feelings going strong with little real understanding of what it is to be a stepmother.
Yes, stepmothers need a sanctuary. (Doesn’t anyone ever wonder why? Who or what must she protect herself from? Hmmmm…) Stepmothers also need to speak out more, and speak out strongly; and their men need to back them up. No more domestic terrorism.
http://www.othermother.com/html/exhibition.php
It is time to be heard – keep on speaking out, keep on writing until something changes for the better. It is time for a manifesto! Time for a revolution!
Jacquelyn's Space 
Leave a comment