Jacquelyn's Space

One of the stepmom groups I belong to posted a link to this organization based in California:

http://www.stepfamilysystems.com/index.html

They have some interesting information although it seems they need some website help and funding. The stepmom group posted a link to a page of Parental Alienation Short Stories:

http://www.stepfamilysystems.com/id92.html

Okay, some of the writing and stories are pretty hokey but there were parts that touched me, though for the most part I couldn’t help but think, “Man, I can do better than this!” Yeah, do I have some stories to tell. I may submit one to this website – not sure though because I am thinking about doing a book of my own.

I have written a great majority of what I have experienced as a stepmom in a bad situation. I just need to finish up a few things, go back through the documents my husband and I have accumulated through the years to make sure I have my facts straight and haven’t forgotten anything, and then add some of the research I have gathered.

Truthfully, it is painful to write about this stuff at times and there is only so much I can share on my blog or in public forums but I feel very strongly about documenting my experiences and doing something positive with them. PAS needs to stop, more light needs to be shed on the syndrome, parents who use alienation strategies, and stepfamily life in general. No matter how painful it is, or how ‘bitter’ it makes me look.

Well, it is my last semester at UM-Flint, my last semester as an undergrad (knock wood – don’t want to jinx it). Truthfully I don’t want it to be my last semester, I love my school. I am already getting depressed about leaving it behind. I am also excited about the next step – graduate school. Still not sure what I should do but I did go to an open house at Central Michigan University’s satellite campus in Flint (so close to home) and I am really interested in their Masters in Counseling program. That may be the most pragmatic choice.

My last semester…I am not ready for it. There wasn’t much of a break over Christmas. Grrrr. I had like a week. I wanted to do so much reading and writing but didn’t – I really needed some rest so I that is what I did. Now the new semester is really picking up and I am not ready. I haven’t found my groove yet, though I am excited about my classes. I am taking 16 credits again and I am trying to sit in on 2 classes, though not enrolled. This semester I am taking:

Greek and Roman Literature – I wasn’t too sure about this. Mythology has never been all that interesting to me but I am fired up about this class. The professor is excellent (I had her for Shakespeare in Performance last semester and she is intelligent, enthusiastic, fun, creative, and loves discussion and performance). Prof started out the class by introducing us to Joseph Campbell and his ideas about The Hero’s Journey (we all have our own journey), how much religion and literature is based on the same mythic themes, how much in life can be gained from studying the old myths – how they can inform our journey and everyday lives. I love it! It is hard to explain right now but I am sure I will write more about it. Prof has an idea for the class to write their own myths or Hero’s Journey and put it together in a book at the end of the semester – should be fun.

Next I have Shakespeare again. I have always loved Shakespeare (the play Romeo and Juliet and his sonnets were what I knew previously) but I am gaining an even deeper appreciation for his work (his plays are so rich; so many themes to explore) through the great Prof I briefly described above – I have the same professor for Greek and Roman Lit and Shakespeare (it is Shakespeare in History – we will be studying different plays this semester than last. Exciting!). I am learning that Shakespeare explored the ideas of self-concept and identity in many of his plays, long before psychology was thought of, and even before philosophers began to explore the faculties of the mine or human knowledge. Perhaps Shakespeare was the first psychologist? He was certainly a philosopher.

I have joined wind symphony again too. I have fun playing in the band even though I still have difficulties. The practices kind of relax me most of the time – it is some kind of release, a different creative outlet. Every winter semester the symphony does a concert at St. Mathews in Flint and it is lovely. I am quite excited about it; the church is a beautiful setting for a concert and there is some good music planned (though challenging for me – must find time to practice!). All the brass instruments are playing a special piece – we will be divided into three groups and stationed at different places around the church. It is really cool.

I signed up to take health psychology because I heard it is a good class and Dr. Douglas is teaching it. It is about the only psychology class I haven’t taken and I thought it would be informative. So far so good, seems like it will be fairly easy (only 1 paper to write) though Dr. D lacks his usually flair this semester and the class starts at 9:30am, ugh. I hate early morning classes.

There is another Greek and Roman Lit class that Dr. Thomas Foster teaches and since I have a huge break between my early morning class and my next class I decided to just sit in on the class. I had Foster last semester for Modern British Lit and learned lots. I like his lectures and he has written 2 or 3 bestselling books on literature. I read the class description when I signed up for classes last year and it seemed really interesting – more what I was looking for (it is a requirement to take an ancient lit course so it was either classical lit or the Bible as lit, yuck). I was already committed to taking the other one (Shakespeare prof was talking about how much of Will’s stuff was based on old myths and was talking up her class and it sounded interesting). I really was torn between the two Greek and Roman lit classes but I think I made the right choice and luckily I can still learn from Dr. Foster’s lecture without having to do any of the work, ha. And I am even learning more about the Bible since many of the stories in it may have been based on mythology. Everything is connected!

Glutton for punishment that I am, I am attempting to sit in on Dr. D’s social psychology class. I took the class online but I thought it would be good to hear some lectures and get a review. Social psych does not seem to be Dr. D’s favorite so I don’t know about this idea. I’ll see I guess. I don’t have to attend the class if it ends up to be a waste of time…I would really like to sit in on an abnormal psych class. Oh, and a research and design class again, and a stats class…Ahhhhh. I am trying to drive myself nuts.

If all that is not enough I signed up for a poetry class – it is Advanced Creative Writing. I would really rather write prose fiction but Jan Worth-Nelson, my amazing professor who taught Creative Non-Fiction class last semester is teaching it and I couldn’t pass it up. I don’t know too much about poetry but I have written a sappy poem or two back in the day and now I have a chance to write an ode to my husband’s penis, ha! Jan said I could, tee hee. Seriously, I am not great with poetry but I am getting a little fired up over it, thinking about all that I can do and I know the class will help me with my writing overall. For this class we have to keep a journal again, though not as intense as last semester and we have a class blog. Fun, fun. So far it has been easy because we have only worked on haiku – can’t wait until we get to the challenging villanelle.

Oh no! The forgotten class! I have an online course – Postmodern American Literature – so far so good even though I almost forget about it through the week. The class started off with some basic history about the literary period (1939 til now), then with some poems (not too good). This week is good though – we are reading Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar. So far I am really ‘feeling’ it. It is just what I need to read– another mentally ill author who committed suicide. The story is really good though and it is semi-biographical; it is about the author’s own young adult struggles with mental health issues. Interesting…

So many classes – I love it yet it is demanding. On top of it I am trying to get some things going for Psi Chi (Psychology Honor Society and club). I was able to get our group an organizational Blackboard so I can keep the member informed about meetings, events, etc. We have a Facebook but I thought this year’s officers could store documents on Bb to pass along to the next group. I would like to start a discussion board and put a bunch of links and information on it too. I really want to get a Psi Chi blog going – I have so many ideas to write about and there really is a need to inform incoming students about Psi Chi, succeeding as a psychology major, and about applying and getting into grad school (not to mention research and internships, plus lots more – I get overwhelmed thinking about all I can do with a Psi Chi blog). In addition to Psi Chi I would like to become a little involved it the other honor societies I belong to. I am just not sure how I can fit it all in. Since when did I become an overachiever?

The semester is off in a whirlwind. Luckily I get to see many of my friends and classmates from last semester. I had some fabulous long lunches at the start of the semester with mi amigas Melanie and Jeanette I want to put in my memory bank (it will have to be out on loan right now). I wish I could write what we talked about but it is too, too thrilling for some, ha. I will have to journal it. I just haven’t had much time for personal writing though. I hope I find my groove soon because as always, there is so much to do, so much I want to do, and so much to read, write and learn.

Because every stepmother needs one. I found this cool blog called “Stepfamily Sanctuary”

http://www.stepfamilysanctuary.com/

Unfortunately I don’t believe there is any real ‘sanctuary’ for stepfamilies but a stepmother can find or create her own partial sanctuary. Part of this is done by finding places (and yes, it does take many) that she can tell her story, identify with others,  seek advice, gain perspective, laugh, and feel others understand -at least in some way- what she goes through. No one place is IT – it takes many, but it is always heartening to find a few things to laugh over, cry over, and relate to. The blog above seems to be such a place, and this page (link below) from that blog. All comments are from readers – it is all always great when someone else expresses exactly what you feel. Can I get an AMEN.

http://www.stepfamilysanctuary.com/2008/04/dont-you-hate-it-when.html

Don’t You Hate It When…

A few comments/quotes I can truly identify with:

“The ex-signifcant other lies to the kids about you.”

“The bio-mom thinks you are trying to replace them. Why would she think that and what makes her think I’d want her kids?”

“You become a “wallet” to your children’s mother…good enough to provide financial support but not good enough to be a positive influence in your child’s life emotionally, mentally, and physically.”

“You are the one who struggles and sacrifices to better yourself in your job and the ex is the only one that benefits when she gets support raised because you’ve worked and sacrificed for a better position? Be real…how much does it cost to raise a child? BOTH parents need to be equally financially responsible for their child. Any support that goes above the “half” of the non-custodial parent’s responsibility is nothing more than spousal support for the custodial adult and not the child. As a woman, I would have more pride in myself and my abilities to take care of myself rather than mooching off an ex. Where are these women’s pride and dignity?”

“The ex feels threatened by a step-parent? My ex feels threatened by my wife and her relationship with the kids. Ex thinks that stepmom is trying to take her place with the kids. My wife loves my kids, but she doesn’t WANT my kids for herself. She likes it when they go back to their mother’s house. If the ex would get over herself and her own bitterness, perhaps she’d see things more clearly, she’d quit acting like a spoiled child and try to get along. If she did, she’d be surprised at how wrong she’s been all these years.”

“As a new step-parent you are expected to know all of the “rules”, yet no one can actually tell you what they are?”

“BM competes to be the first to buy the kid a new toy or gadget but won’t let the kid take it to his dad’s house; BM says “Have your dad buy you one.” Must a child have two of everything? Plus, what of the child support – it could be argued that dear old dad already bought at least half of whatever BM provides. Very nice BM, very nice – take all the credit for support then make dad look like the bad guy because he cannot or will not unecessarily provide his child with two of everything.”

“When the stepkids blow off dad and the rest of their family with dad for self-preservation rather than dealing with their mother’s behavior, anger, etc. over them having a relationship with any of them, including half-siblings who get hurt everytime the stepkids hang up on them, ignore them, pretend they don’t exist, etc. after years of closeness (which finally disintegrated after years of emotional manipulation from the ex).”

“…that the ex uses the children as pawns in her sick game but will “pawn” them off on her parents/babysitters/neighbors/hobos every chance she gets!”

“The ex expects you to chase her in order to get information on the kids…like it’s some type of dating/relationship ritual instead of dad trying to get information on his child’s health/school from their mother!”

Okay, so there are more than a few. And people wonder why stepmothers need sanctuaries, why they are the way they are, why they may dislike the birth mom (oh it couldn’t be anything BM has done, oh no, never – it is just jealousy), and why stepmothers are starting to speak out more and more.

And then there is this, the only half-way decent poem about being a stepmother I could find yet it is so sad:

http://www.stepfamilysanctuary.com/2008/12/stepmothers-poem.html

What is a stepmother?

A step below or a step above?

Someone for you to (sometimes) love?

Someone to share your laughter and tears?

Or do you grow quiet when she comes near?

*****

What is a stepmother?

A step above or a step below?

Someone to teach you and help you to grow?

Is she a mystery to you, or someone you know?

Are you true with your feelings, or are they for show?

*****

I’m a stepmother, so let me define

What a stepmother is, at least in my mind

A stepmother cares for her family and home

And loves her step kids like they were her own

She fixes their meals, treats a cold, ties a shoe

Anything that a kid’s real mom would do

*****

A stepmother consoles you when you feel sad

And hands out a punishment if you are bad

She’ll tuck you in bed and read you a story

And yet, it’s the real mom that gets all the glory

*****

A stepmother hides the tears that she cries

When mother’s day comes and then just slips by

With no card, and no hug, though she really feels sad

She won’t let you see it, won’t let you feel bad

*****

She feels like an outsider but tries to fit in

If you’re playing a game with her, she’ll let you win

She makes sure your birthday is one special day

And when hers is forgotten, she’ll just look away

*****

When your teen years come, life gets much tougher

With a stepmother these years, for her, are much rougher

You may say or do something that injures her feelings

Please keep in mind that she hurts while she’s healing

*****

Your stepmother has done the best she could do

And no matter your age, she’ll always love you

For her birthday, the best present to get her

Is the most precious of all, that you didn’t forget her

Yes, it does help to read all the bad stories; it helps to write all the bad stories; it helps to read a sappy ass poem because there is truth there. It helps to pull from many stories, many places, many perspectives but at the same time accept the TRUTH of your own story, your own feelings, your experiences, and your perspective. It helps to get it out there, to not sweep it under the rug because a stepmother should be the ‘bigger person’, a stepmother should understand everyone else, never complain but don’t expect the same in return. NO – that is what keeps the horrible situations, behavior, and feelings going strong with little real understanding of what it is to be a stepmother.

Yes, stepmothers need a sanctuary. (Doesn’t anyone ever wonder why? Who or what must she protect herself from? Hmmmm…) Stepmothers also need to speak out more, and speak out strongly; and their men need to back them up. No more domestic terrorism.

http://www.othermother.com/html/exhibition.php

It is time to be heard – keep on speaking out, keep on writing until something changes for the better. It is time for a manifesto! Time for a revolution!

Still crackin me up…