Jacquelyn's Space

Well it is crunch time for the semester. I have, oh so much writing to do and I am just not feeling it today. Everyone keeps saying they can’t wait for the semester to be over but not me. I need a few extra weeks in order to finish everything. I have to complete:

2 >essay rewrites – the biggest part is cutting some of the material

1 >essay (from scratch)

Shakespeare project or paper

2 >rhetoric papers – 1 short, 1 longer (but only 2000 words each – piece of cake)

1 >5-7 page essay for British Lit – my most challenging class (the page count is not challenging, it is coming up with something to argue about the material and keeping it within 7 pages. Ha, I wrote a 10 page essay about a short story!)

1 >10 page research paper for my Woolf class. This is going to be challenging…

2 > journals to complete

YIKES! I got less than 3 weeks. I need to write my ass off…

Though the semester has been challenging and I took on way too much as usual, I have really learned a lot and enjoy all my classes and professors. I don’t want it to end. I will probably cry; well maybe not. Probably will be too stressed and tired, ha.

I am going to miss writing my journal for Jan, my writing professor. I love writing for her – she is so positive. I have written all sorts of great stuff though not nearly as much as I would like to.  I kind of feel bad because I have also written a lot of the bad stuff I have been through in my life. I told my friend who also had Jan and this creative nonfiction class about and she said she did the same thing – she found she was using her journal and essays as therapy. I have found it not only makes for good story/drama, but that it helps me to get it all out so I can work with it. I needed to get some stuff out, for my sake and so I can frame it in positive ways. There is so much I want to use in future writing, in different ways. Overall, I find I am getting rid of the bad to make more room for the good, which has also highlighted all great stuff that has happened to me, and my achievements despite many challenges. It has also helped me rediscover my strengths and evaluate how far I have come since I started my education. I am bringing forth some great stuff that I want to keep working on – not only will it help me personally, but as a writer and a counselor as well.

I finally wrote about my husband’s penis! Ha. Ever since I wrote a lit analysis paper on a character and his penis back in 2008 my husband teases me that I should write about his ‘johnson’. Yeah, men and their penises – their world revolves around them. Well I wrote in my journal about all that and then a funny story about my husband and his member, plus some other stuff about how much I enjoy sex, hehee. Jan posted back to my journal that she loved it! She said it was the first journal entry she had ever gotten about a penis and it was from a woman. She also said it is very seldom that women write so lustily about sex. I loved that! Really I could write a lot about it but I don’t want to overwhelm her, or for her to think I am a pervert and only think about sex 24/7.

Well, penises are all over the place anyway – I mean in literature. (LMAO) I realized more this semester than in any other just how interconnected everything is. Psychology and writing; literary analysis and psychoanalysis; rhetoric and identity; rhetoric and philosophy; rhetoric and psychology; rhetoric and literary analysis, and fiction, and writers; writers to other writers or to psychotherapists (Freud, Jung – I have heard those two names more this semester in English classes than I ever did in any of my psychology classes). I can go on and on. One great connection that happened for me personally was I met a Doctor of anthropology in my writing class and we talked quite a bit about both step-motherood and motherhood (here in America and how it is in Africa – so different, much more communal), and of course sex – teenage sex. It was so great to meet her, to get her perspective on the things I was writing about; so great that she just happened to be in my class.

Then there is Virginia Woolf – wow. Her writing is some challenging stuff. I had a hard time at first and that damn play and movie, “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf” kept going through my head. I can still hear it. The class is still challenging but I think it has been worth it. I have learned so much about myself, my writing, the subconscious, identity – her novels and short stories really open the door to an inner life. My writing has improved – well it has helped me tap into stuff I have stuffed down or forgot about.

So I will be sad when it all ends. Everything I have done this semester, even band, has strengthened me overall. I will have to keep reading challenging material and writing about challenging subjects.

So I was browsing my facebook news feed today and clicked on an article about sex addiction in Newsweek. It was sooo freaking interesting – is it wrong to say it turned me on? LOL, not in the sexual sense but in an intellectual way. Of course in the article they talk to counselors, etc. I would so love to do that kind of work. I think that is what I wan to specialize in – sex therapy and sexual addiction. I have always been interested in sex, sexuality, ever since watching Dr. Ruth as a young teen, and now there seems to be a need for sex addiction counselors. I am inspired!

Here I was wondering what my next move was going to be after graduation and now I think I have a handle on it. Whoopee! LOL

Link to the article:

http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2011/11/27/the-sex-addiction-epidemic.html

I wanna’ see the movie mentioned in the article – looks awesome.

http://youtu.be/62nelnMXW3M

I have met my goal of getting in to Sigma Tau Delta. I am pretty proud. I made myself a new goal – turn in a piece of writing and get it accepted to their annual Writer’s Conference next year. I hope I can achieve this one. It is like I scratch a goal off the list and add one (or several) to it.

I now belong to 3 honor societies. Yay!! More than I ever thought I would. I am secretary for the UM-Flint chapter of Psi Chi. I was invited to join Golden Key in 2009 – blew them off (these damn things cost money) for a couple of years but finally decided to join when I got another invitation this year. I almost got forgotten about by Sigma Tau Delta because of a registrar or English department error – they didn’t realize I am an English major too. But I got in. I hope being a part of all these honor societies pays off. Sometimes I think they are a big rip off, though it is nice to be recognized and that will show up on my transcript. Plus, they all offer scholarships so I am going to get on the ball and start applying. I think they offer research grant money too.

Now on to my other goals and deciding which advance degree(s) to pursue. Ugh. I know what my ultimate goal is, I just don’t know the best way to get there. What I do know is, it is going to take lots of hard work.

No one can say it like Shakespeare can! Love this quote from King Lear, oooh it cuts deep into the heart of a few situations. Why have I not read this play before?

Cordelia:

“Time shall unfold what plighted cunning hides,

who covers faults, at last shame derides.

Well may you prosper.”

That makes a great prayer!

I really need to write a book.

I have been writing up a storm this semester hence why I have not been posting to my blog. I added about 10 pages to an essay on Saturday that was already to long. It is 20 pages total and not even complete yet. The challenge is to cut it down but I am a little burnt out with writing today (and yesterday). Probably because I am extremely tired after a challenging week-end (not enough time to write – too many birthdays this time of year). I stayed up Monday night/Tuesday morning researching and working on a couple of essays (wrote at least 9 pages between the two), then I had to stay up last night and work on a presentation (more research, analysis, and writing). I have only gotten about 5 hours of broken sleep over the last two days – it is taking its toll. I just don’t feel right. I should go home tonight and start on one of the 3 essays I have due, or finish up that 20 essay but all I want to do is crash. Oh wait, I can’t, I have a concert to perform tonight. I know I will be ready to pass out after that.

On top of all these damn essays, I have to keep a journal for my creative non-fiction class. I should be writing at least 300 words a day – not too difficult by itself but there is all the other stuff to do. I have been writing that much everday, just not in my journal. I wasn’t able to get around to it last week and I don’t even want to deal with it today.  Plus, I have written a crapload of stuff already – over 34, 000 words for that journal; I am not sure of a page count but it is probably 35 -40 pages. Wow, no it is actually something like 65 pages -I just checked- after I combined my two journal documents.  Writing takes a lot out of me but I do love it once I get going. It seems all I want to do is write these days.

I have gotten many lovely compliments from my writing professor. She very nurturing and has something positive to say each piece of writing she gets. It is easy to write for her – I don’t get all junked up thinking my writing or my idea is trash. Although the compliments make me feel really good about my writing, I didn’t think it was anything extraordinary. I still have a lot of work to do on my writing. There are some really talented people in my class and when I read their essays I wonder why I didn’t thing of that or why can’t I phrase stuff so well, etc.

Yesterday, I had a conference with my writing professor. She likes to meet with all her students at least once, one on one. We had a great conversation, mostly about my writing, and then she paid me the greatest compliment. I want to keep this one with me, especially when I write. I had asked her if my writing was okay – it wasn’t to dense, too much? – I wasn’t quite sure how to word, only that I had been throwing a lot of pages at her and it is not all happy stuff – This prof, who  is a published author (a little ethos for you), asked me it she could ‘reveal’ something to me. Of course. She then told me that she doesn’t read my essays until last – she saves them. I had noticed she was doing that with my online journal. She told me she saves my essays because I was a great writer and I had a lot to say, so my writing is dense, thick, but that wasn’t bad. It was grown-up writing. She said that there are Hemingways and there are Faulkners types of writers; Hemingways write simply with short sentences, Faulkners are more complex, have a lot to say about everything. She said I was a Faulkner. I was like, wow. I almost cried. That lifted my spirits last evening for sure. Now I need to go read me some Faulkner and keep plugging away at my writing.

Tuesday October 4

Wahoo! This is going to be the week of performance. Yesterday I did a scene from Richard III in my Shakespeare class. It was Act I Scene ii where Richard is trying to seduce Lady Anne. He had killed her husband and father in law so in the scene Lady Anne is pretty angry. It was fun to do the scene and I think I did a pretty good job of it. Me and my scene partner (he is a theater major) met outside of class a couple of times to practice and so we were prepared. I tried to say the lines naturally, with the appropriate emotions, not wooden-ly or grandly like some pompous caricature of a Shakespearean actor. The professor told me it was awesome then I saw some classmates after class throughout the day and they were so nice and complimented my performance.

I love Shakespeare, I love his writing and this class is fun because I am getting more into his work. It can be difficult but I think once you get what the character’s are saying it is worth it. We are working on Richard III (which I did not know) now but the first play we read this semester was Titus Andronicus which is great because I knew that play. I was in the Flint City Theatre’s production of it in 2008 so even though I didn’t have a speaking part I knew the story and remembered a lot of the lines.

I miss acting. I was in plays and drama in high school and that is originally what I wanted to do with my life. I didn’t pursue it because of my issues (depression, obesity) but now it is good to have a second chance to perform. I wish I had pursued it, I wish I would have just said “F— it!” and went for it or even when I returned to school a few years ago. I was silly to let stuff stop me but that is done and over. I get more nervous about acting now than I used to. Maybe I am more afraid of making a fool of myself – but I still push myself because I don’t want to slide back into letting my ‘issues’ keep me from doing  things I enjoy. Maybe once I graduate I can still pursue acting – take some classes, get involved in the numerous theatres that are in Flint.

Thursday October 6

Still in the week of performance, yesterday was Musicollage the annual music department concert at UM-Flint. I play trombone in the Wind Symphony. Musicollage gets the symphony and jazz bands, plus the choirs and individual students together to put on a nonstop show of music. No applause in between acts, just music. It is pretty cool and the music was lovely last night. Wind symphony played three pieces.  I wish we could have done more but it is a lot to prepare with only 4 or 5 weeks of class (2, 1 hour 50 minute classes a week).

I am an okay trombone player. I decided it would be fun to be in band after 20 years of not playing. Ha ha. It is fun at times but it is a challenge. I used to be a better player. I don’t have the chops for it anymore. That and I don’t have time for much practice outside of class. Every semester that I play I get slightly better but I am nowhere near where I should be. I forget too much – like how the notes are supposed to sound and how to count complicated rhythms and time. I was never really the best at reading music, usually having to listen to the rhythm first before playing. Luckily they let anyone in wind symphony – no auditions – ha. We actually have a large band this year and 5 trombone players! In the past it has only been 3 of us, which means one person per part. I really get frightened (I freeze up or get really nervous and shake when I have to play by myself, don’t know why music does that too me) to play a part by myself but I try. For the most part it is a fun challenge.

One of the trombone players is really awesome. He is a music major of course. I am so envious of his playing. I want to play like that but he has worked hard to be the player that he is – he plays whole pieces by himself, on his own, no qualms and it sounds beautiful. I am not that dedicated of a player. He is in jazz band too. I would love to be in jazz band but I need more practice, more confidence and more skills. Ha, more time too.

Well anyway the music was beautiful. I wish I had time to be in choir too. I loved the jazz band performance; some talented kid played a Rachmaninoff piano concerto – loved it! There was also a flute solo – another ultra talented musician. I loved his piece too. There was a marimba solo that was lovely too. Lots and lots of stuff. My parents and my husband went to the concert and I guess they enjoyed it. I was glad my parents went. They had not been to one of my concerts since I started playing again. After the concert we went out to dinner. Then I had to go home and stay up half the night to get my homework done.